Humor Quotes

Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.

~ Oscar Wilde

Death, I had discovered long ago, was available in varying flavors, and none of them particularly palatable.

~ Jasper Fforde

I g-g-guess...I'm dead? she heard her own voice call out, strangely high-pitched and thin.For a long time, she heard nothing else. And then:Hi, Dead. I'm Dan.

~ Peter Lerangis

An eye for an eye my friend.

~ Tsugumi Ohba

Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!

~ George Carlin

Got it. Demon. Death. Doom.

~ Kami Garcia

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

~ Steven Wright

Yes, Bastille. I keep trying to get killed because it's inconvenient for you.

~ Brandon Sanderson

You're probably wondering what's going to happen to you. That's easy. The same thing is going to happen to you that has happened to every other human being who has ever lived. You're going to die. We all die. That's just how it is.

~ Ernest Cline

My life was going to flash before my eyes, but it decided to hide behind my eyes and quake with terror instead.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

Where is Polonius? HAMLET In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby.

~ William Shakespeare

Do you wanna play? Everyone's dead, so I got bored. Did you come to play with me?--Wrath

~ Hiromu Arakawa

If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.

~ Terry Pratchett

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

~ Woody Allen

No man should go to Valhalla with brothel rash.

~ Mark Lawrence

Sorry to hear about your Dad.He shrugged. He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him.Heart attack?He was hit by a Pizza Express truck.

~ J.a. Konrath

They don't make morgues with windows. In fact, if the geography allows for it, they hardly ever make morgues above the ground. I guess it's partly because it must be eisier to refrigerate a bunch of coffin-sized chambers in a room insulated by the earth. But that can't be all there is to it. Under the earth means a lot more than relative altitude. It's where dead things fit. Graves are under the earth. So are Hell, Gehenna, Hades, and a dozen other reported afterlives.Maybe it says somthing about people. Maybe for us, under the earth is a subtle and profound statement. Maybe ground level provides us with a kind of symbolic boundary marker, an artificial construct that helps us remember that we are alive. Mabye it helps us push death's shadow back from our lives.I live in a basement apartment and like it. What does that say about me?Probably that I overanalyze things.

~ Jim Butcher

Please don't die.

~ Randy Pausch

Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It's death porn for the masses.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Wait.” Stefan’s voice was hard suddenly. Bonnie and Elena turned back and froze, embracing each other, trembling. “What is your—your father—going to do to you when he finds out that you allowed this?” as I do, and we will be sharing a belly laugh tomorrow.

~ L.j. Smith

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

~ Victor J. Stenger

IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE.

~ Terry Pratchett

I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one’s cell phone, putting it to the ear, and pretending to be told of a death in the family.

~ Sloane Crosley

...Opal is dead, and I don't see how a healer can change that! It's not something to joke about.Joke? Then Owen hit his forehead and cried, That's right, you haven't heard!Heard what? asked Adrien, who felt an insane glimmer of hope return to his heart.Death is on strike! She hasn't done that for two centuries, and it's very annoying. Your friend is alive.Very annoying? repeated Amber. I don't see what's so annoying about a miracle! What is Death on strike for?Everyone knows that Death lives in Fairytale-in an inaccessible area, obviously. And just a few hours ago, she decided to stop working. So, for now, no one can die.

~ Flavia Bujor

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

~ Woody Allen

Sometimes the only answer to death is lunch.

~ Jim Harrison

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out.

~ Orson Scott Card

So if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, I'd better not miss it, because once you're dead, it's too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb.

~ Muriel Barbery

I'm not scared of death, I just don't want to seek it out.

~ Thomas James Higgins

Well, I always did want to go out in a Braveheart kind of way. I'll just have to think of something cool to yell before they cut my head off.

~ Jenny Trout

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

~ Bauvard

I'd heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but apparently my subconscious visualized tall, scary, and skeletal. My subconscious and I needed to have a long talk.

~ Lisa Shearin

That's how I want to go. Taking my own way out and totally pissing everybody off at the end.

~ L.j. Smith

My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi!

~ Jill Conner Browne

(Parody that is often falsely believed to be a true quote of Mariah Carey's) Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

~ Mad Magazine

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

~ Frankie Boyle

I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

~ Mark Twain

I'm Allen Walker!My life....is over...I'm going to die....

~ Katsura Hoshino

I'm going to get 'I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD' tattooed on my chest.That will become inaccurate at some point, Omar pointed out.

~ Domashita Romero

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

~ David Sedaris