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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

OVERREACTING sounds like OVARYACTING Coincidence? I think NOT!!

~ Tanya Masse

Tanya Masse Humor Quotes About Life Quotes About Women Quotes About Womenhood Women

After all, I was dressed in linen and so retained a certain capacity for nonchalance.

~ Joanna Ruocco

Joanna Ruocco Detail Humor Moment

Yes, life is full of awkward moments! For example, that time you keep dazing off while staring at the same person you found yourself staring at five minutes ago. *gulp* So glad staring is still not illegal. Or, at least I'm glad for my own benefit.

~ Mary Kate

Mary Kate Awkward Dazing Funny Glad Humor Illegal Keep Laugh Life Moment Staring Time Unnoticed

Cheese is milk's leap toward immortality.

~ Cliff Fadiman

Cliff Fadiman Cheese Humor Immortality Leap

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

~ Jenny Lawson

Jenny Lawson Art Broken Humor Jenny Lawson Oven Yard Yard Art

There is no greater torture than being forced to watch as your love, your reason for living, breathing, and existing, sinks into oblivion. Your heart stops no matter how you try to get to her, she just gets farther and farther away. ~Fane from 'Beyond the Vail'Attention shoppers, just a brief announcement, crazy ass werewolf on isle three. Those with abundance of testosterone, don't touch their lady merchandise and you might walk out of here intact. ~Jen from 'Fate and Fury'.In the event of some sort of gathering, if one of the bossy, overbearing, possessive fur balls has not flipped his switch and attacked some poor young pup in some misguided attempt to protect his woman's virtue, then the night is not over.

~ Quinn Loftis

Quinn Loftis Deep Humor Jen From Beyond The Vail Lovely Thoughtfull

Remember: if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.

~ Cecil Baldwin

Cecil Baldwin Cecil Gershwin Deep Humor Inspirational Jeffrey Cranor Joseph Fink Podcast Welcome To Night Vale Wtnv

It’s nice to have a station pet. Wish it wasn’t trapped in a hovering prison in the men’s bathroom, but listen: no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for what it is.

~ Cecil Baldwin

Cecil Baldwin Cecil Baldwin Cecil Gershwin Deep Humor Inspirational Jeffrey Cranor Joseph Fink Podcast Welcome To Night Vale Wtnv

Isn’t it amazing, amazing, amazing that something so specific can be so resonant? These are the filaments, filaments, filaments from that Walt Whitman poem. It makes me think that the thoughts that I have in my head that make me feel the most lonely because I don’t think anyone else thinks them, are also the thoughts that have the most potential that make me feel connected. I just have to get them out some how gossamer thread.

~ Ze Frank

Ze Frank Deep Humor

The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it's too late to save her. I've noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear. She's been sensitized, turned gooey in the middle. I saw it happening and I didn't do anything to stop it. From now on, she'll be writing diaries and sometimes including little poems and she'll buy gifts for her favourite teachers and she'll admire the scenery and she'll watch the news and she'll buy soup for homeless people and she'll never burn my leg hair again.

~ Joe Dunthorne

Joe Dunthorne Coming Of Age Funny Humor Love Melancholic Teen

There exists an oasis where inspiration bursts forth like black gold from the fertile loam and every odd bellbird chirps a melody worth remembering. There’s no bloody map or nautical chart that can deliver you there, but you know the instant you’ve arrived because you never ever want to depart.

~ Adam G. Tarsitano

Adam G. Tarsitano Coming Of Age Contemporary Fiction Humor Literary Fiction

It's in a can. It's good forever.

~ Renata Suerth

Renata Suerth Coming Of Age Family Relationships Friendships Humor Kids Fiction

You'll need to do a better job, Annabelle. No more dates like the first one tonight.Agreed. And no more making me sit through your Power Matches introductions, either. As you so wisely pointed out, helping Portia Powers isn't in my best interests.Then why are you still trying to talk me into seeing Melanie again?Hunger makes me weird.You got rid of the last one in fourteen minutes. Well done. I'm rewarding you by letting you sit in on all the introductions from now on.She nearly choked on an ice cube. What are you talking about?Exactly what I said.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Susan Elizabeth Phillips Arrogance Humor Hunger Matchmaker

I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.

~ Brian Spellman

Brian Spellman Arrogance Conceit Double Entendre Humor

Don't mind her. She keeps her nose so high in the air, she's liable to drown in a good rainstorm.

~ Sandra Dallas

Sandra Dallas Arrogance Humor Snooty

My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.

~ Brian Spellman

Brian Spellman Humor Immaturity Maturity Youthfulness

I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up - late.

~ Brian Spellman

Brian Spellman Humor Immaturity Maturity Profession Vocation

Venerable age had not, for him, arranged that derelict landscape against which it is privileged to sit and pick its nose, break wind, and damn the course of youth groping among the obstacles erected, dutifully, by its own hands earlier, along the way of that sublime delusion known as the pursuit of happiness. Not to be confused with the state of political bigotry, mental obstinacy, financial security, sensual atrophy, emotional penury, and spiritual collapse which, under the name “maturity”, animated lives around him, it might be said that Reverend Gwyon had reached maturity.

~ William Gaddis

William Gaddis Gaddis Humor Maturity Recognitions

Well, it's not easy to find something that you do not know exists.

~ Patricia Nedelea

Patricia Nedelea Humor Search For Truth Searching And Finding Secret

I flow like a butter in the nailed pan I stole. I also kept the nail, to polish and use as a means of teleportation.

~ Will Advise

Will Advise Butter Dicktionary Float Flow Frying Frying Pan Humor Humour Inside Joke Inside Jokes Jarod Kintz Keeping Nail Nailed Nothing Pan Polish Polished Secret Shiny Steal Stealing Stolen Teleportation Thief Thievery Thieving

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

~ Abdul Ali Ii

Abdul Ali Ii Funny Happiness Humor Secret

Nonsense. Everyone knows Canadians are a peaceful people.” He was laughing now.“Tell that to the White House circa 1812,” I told him.“Oh? Why?”“Because that’s the year the peace-loving Canadians burned it to the ground.”Dominick grabbed an empty bottle and jumped onto his chair. The room got silent in an instant as everyone paused to look at him. “Cheers to 1812.” He lifted his empty bottle.The whole room whooped and raised their full glasses, howling in unison.I could barely hear over the sound of my own laughter.

~ Sierra Dean

Sierra Dean Canadians Dominick Humor Secret

Here was a flower (the daisy reflected) strangely like itself and yet utterly unlike itself too. Such a paradox has often been the basis for the most impassioned love.

~ Thomas M. Disch

Thomas M. Disch Childrens Flowers Humor Love

A daffodil bulb will divide and redivide endlessly. That's why, like the peony, it is one of the few flowers you can find around abandoned farmhouses, still blooming and increasing in numbers fifty years after the farmer and his wife have moved to heaven, or the other place, Boca Raton. If you dig up a clump when no one is nearby and there is no danger of being shot, you'll find that there are scores of little bulbs in each clump, the progeny of a dozen or so planted by the farmer's wife in 1942. If you take these home, separate them, and plant them in your own yard, within a couple of years, you'll have a hundred daffodils for the mere price of a trespassing fine or imprisonment or both. I had this adventure once, and I consider it one of the great cheap thrills of my gardening career. I am not advocating trespassing, especially on my property, but there is no law against having a shovel in the trunk of your car.

~ Cassandra Danz

Cassandra Danz Daffodils Flowers Gardening Humor Trespassing

Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick.

~ Nicole Mckay

Nicole Mckay Books Brick And Blanket Iq Test Brick And Blanket Responses Brick And Blanket Test Brick And Blanket Uses Flowers Funny Humor Random

Of course, if 40% of women need oxytocin to progress normally, then something is wrong with the definition of normal.

~ Henci Goer

Henci Goer Birth Doctor Humor Statistics

Yes, contractions can be intense,' Noura continues. 'But your bodies are designed to handle it. And what you must remember is, it's a positive pain. I'm sure you'll both agree?' She looks over at Mum and Janice.POSITIVE?' Janice looks up, horrified. 'Ooh, no, dear. Mine was agony. 24 hours in the cruel summer heat. I wouldn't wish it on any of you poor girls.'But there are natural methods you can use,' Noura puts in quickly. 'I'm sure you found that rocking and changing position helped with the contractions.I wouldn't have said so,' Mum says kindly.Or a warm bath?' Noura suggets, smile tightening.A bath? Dear, when you're gripped by agony and wanting to die, a bath doesn't really help!'As I glance around the room I can see that all the girls' faces have frozen. Most of the mens' too.

~ Sophie Kinsella

Sophie Kinsella Birth Humor

Are you sure you weren't adopted?Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory's real clear.

~ Jana Deleon

Jana Deleon Birth Humor

If I can't have your babies, I'll damn sure deliver them!

~ Frouwkje Denoo

Frouwkje Denoo Birth Humor Science

The past you lost is just like a dream. As you woke up new lifestarts. So, your actual birthday will be your death day.

~ A.g. Sorachi

A.g. Sorachi Birth Death Humor Inspirational Life

Gordie, the white boy genius, gave me this book by a Russian dude named Tolstoy, who wrote, 'Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.' Well, I hate to argue with a Russian genius, but Tolstoy didn't know Indians, and he didn't know that all Indian families are unhappy for the same exact reasons: the frikkin' booze.

~ Sherman Alexie

Sherman Alexie Alcohol American Indians Humor Tolstoy

The alcohol had the effect of making the black cloth blacker. This amused her; she had noted in her journal: booze affects material as it does people.

~ Alice Sebold

Alice Sebold Alcohol Humor

Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you're not drinking. 'Oh, I just don't feel like it this morning.''Why not?''I guess I'm not in the mood?''Well, this'll put you in the mood. Here. Drink up.''No, really, I'm OK.''Just taste it.''Actually, I'm sort of...well, I sort of have a problem with it.''Then how about half a glass?

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Alcohol Drinking Humor

Curse you, cheap beer. Must find miso in tiny packet.

~ Mcm

Mcm Alcohol Hangover Humor Malediction

People, heed my warning: That stuff is Specials Olympics in a pint glass. You think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by five girls, giving your boxers to a bachelorette party because one of the girls is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned. - from the Austin Road Trip story

~ Tucker Max

Tucker Max Alcohol Humor

Jesse reached into a bottom drawer and brought out a bottle of... oh, hey, single-malt scotch. Some SOFs did know how to live.

~ Robin Mckinley

Robin Mckinley Alcohol Humor

Do you guys ever reach the point of drunkenness where you're so drunk you're like I better keep drinking to sober up and then you're like you know, I recognise that that is not how it works. But...

~ Hannah Hart

Hannah Hart Alcohol Humor

I want a new liver to replace my heart.Um, why?Because then I could drink more and care less.

~ L.a. Casey

L.a. Casey Alcohol Heart Humor Humour

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

~ George Best

George Best Alcohol Humor Playboy

I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.

~ George Best

George Best Alcohol Alcoholism Humor
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