Humorous Quotes Quotes

Wisdom of the Ages: Unsuccessful pick-up lines 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: National Symbol With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

~ Matthew Heines

Why do they call them daytime dramas, anyway? Shouldn't they be bedtime dramas? All anyone ever talks about is getting someone into bed! Plus if you're at home watching, you're probably watching in bed. And if you're like me, after an hour or two of watching all those sexy goings-on you forget the silly story entirely and fall asleep. Just like it's bedtime!

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

And you'd be left there like a fucking dumpling. You'd be standing there. A fucking dumpling man I'm telling ye.

~ James Kelman

Wisdom of the Ages: Valentine's Day Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

~ Matthew Heines

Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse?

~ Lilly James

I love Naples, Florida! Although, I’m so far behind everyone else there. After all, I’m still wearing my first face!

~ Angelina Assanti

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

~ Matthew Heines

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.

~ Marika Christian

Tell Jack that after he finishs saving the universe again, he has to take out the trash in the kitchen.-Rosalind Kirby, one day in 1971

~ Mark Evanier

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me.

~ Arthur Wellesley

Wisdom of the Ages News People Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.

~ Matthew Heines

A man who has shot lions in large quantities has an unfair advantage over other men.

~ Agatha Christie

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Marshawn Lynch Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

~ Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Virtual Reality A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

~ Matthew Heines

Politicians and children have two speeds: running and asleep.

~ Ariel Lawhon

It’s impossible to park on Tremont or even idle there for more than 30 seconds. A platoon of meter maids, imported from the female Hitler Youth shortly after the fall of Berlin, roam the street, at least two to a block, pit bull faces on top of fire hydrant bodies, just waiting for someone stupid enough to stall traffic on their street.

~ Hafiz

It’s impossible to park on Tremont or even idle there for more than thirty seconds. A platoon of meter maids, imported from the female Hitler Youth shortly after the fall of Berlin, roam the street, at least two to a block, pit bull faces on top of fire hydrant bodies, just waiting for someone stupid enough to stall traffic on their street.

~ Dennis Lehane

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Tom Brady's balls Nothing more than a publicity stunt to keep the NFL Network from losing San Francisco's market share.

~ Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Wilson or Brady? The writing is on the ball...

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Rainier A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: Tom Brady's Balls.

~ Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Unger Games If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go 'Unger-y.

~ Matthew Heines

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Eating Crow This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Skull and Bones A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Tooth Fairy Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: The Pope and Congress It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

~ Matthew Heines

Jack, I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Oh Mom, you're way too old to be having a mid-life crisis.

~ Irene Rubaum-Keller

Wisdom of the Ages: Soylent Green No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: True Nobility Comes not from thinking one is better than others-it comes from working toward the betterment of all.

~ Matthew Heines

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

~ Ryan Lilly

Wit is so shining a quality that everybody admires it, most people aim at it, all people fear it and few love it unless in themselves. A man must have a good share of wit himself to endure it in others. The more wit you have, the more good nature and politness you must show to induce people to pardon your superiority, for that is no easy matter.

~ Amelia Grey

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network... Of course they do! Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

~ Ernest Cline

Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~

~ Lucian Bane

Wisdom of the Ages: Hillary Has replaced the term battle-axe to describe an undesirable mother-in-law in 37 languages.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages Car Commercials One of the last times you're ever gonna see that overpriced s-box not stuck in a traffic jam.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: New Year For a kid, the ultimate source of confusion. They say it's a new year, but after the break, you realize you are still in the same class, with the same lousy people.

~ Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Boxing Day In the UK, the day after Christmas is named after the first activity that takes place between husband and wife after the Christmas receipts are added up.

~ Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: The Nativity The Son of God was born in a manger-not surprising, have you seen the prices of hotel rooms in Bethlehem? Oy Vay! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Peace!

~ Matthew D. Heines

From my novel, A Twist in Travel:Fate

~ What

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

~ Ryan Lilly