Humorous Quotes

All right, we need a way to get inot the palace. Any ideas?Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones?

~ Noelle Crawford

I wonder why some people find it very difficult to follow God. Perhaps, they are waiting for Him to join a social network before they could start to follow Him.

~ Hafiz

Since the teachers weren't picking, I ended up with a boy with bad body odour. 'You should wear deodorant,' I said to him. 'And you should shut your trap,' he replied.

~ Lorna Schultz Nicholson

When just a kid, moved back to Canada and looking for a taste of England, I’d picked up a book of my Gram’s, a dog-eared romance from the ’sixties about English hospital ‘sisters’ trying to get it on with the doctors, and thought it very shocking behaviour for nuns.

~ Roberta Pearce

Andre had never mastered the art of ironing. He usually ironed more wrinkles in than out. Pistols, knives, and explosives he could handle, but put a hot iron in his hands and chances were that he’d get hurt.

~ Toby Joyce

What’s the fuckin’ difference between leggings and tights?

~ Rene Webb

Teeny, it’ll never be a fair fight with Harry. You’re his Cadillac Ranch…but he’s your Chernobyl.” ~ Ruthie

~ Anna Lefler

Optimism is a gift, but one that must be carefully controlled. Your hopeful optimism will get us all killed!

~ Noelle Crawford

You're so dehydrated I can hear you blink.

~ Lori Lansens

I wonder why Steven wasn’t at swimming club tonight?” Archie asked. “He’s caught bronchitis,” Mrs Akran said. Imran thought for a second before replying. “I would like to catch a dinosaur too. I wonder what he feeds it?” Archie looked at his friend his face looked as if he was in pain before he burst out laughing. “Imran you’re tragic. Bronchitis is like a bad cold it’s not a type of dinosaur.

~ Mark A. Cooper

But if we do not dream, then I think perhaps we are misusing our heads. They are not on our shoulders only to be farms for hair.

~ Brian Doyle

THE UNOFFICIAL AND UNWRITTEN(but you better follow them or you’re going to get beaten twice as hard)SPOKANE INDIAN RULES OF FISTICUFFS:1. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.2. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IS GOING TO INSULT YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.3. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IS THINKING ABOUT INSULTING YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.4. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS ANY OF YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, OR IF YOU THINK THEY’RE GOING TO INSULT YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, OR IF YOU THINK THEY’RE THINKING ABOUT INSULTING YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.5. YOU SHOULD NEVER FIGHT A GIRL, UNLESS SHE INSULTS YOU, YOUR FAMILY, OR YOUR FRIENDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HER.6. IF SOMEBODY BEATS UP YOUR FATHER OR YOUR MOTHER, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT THE SON AND/OR DAUGHTER OF THE PERSON WHO BEAT UP YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER.7. IF YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER BEATS UP SOMEBODY, THEN THAT PERSON’S SON AND/OR DAUGHTER WILL FIGHT YOU.8. YOU MUST ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH THE SONS AND/OR DAUGHTERS OF ANY INDIANS WHO WORK FOR THE BUREA OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.9. YOU MUST ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH THE SONS AND/OR DAUGHTERS OF ANY WHITE PEOPLE WHO LIVE ANYWHERE ON THE RESERVATION.10. IF YOU GET IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEBODY WHO IS SURE TO BEAT YOU UP, THEN YOU MUST THROW THE FIRST PUNCH, BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY PUNCH YOU’LL EVER GET TO THROW.11. IN ANY FIGHT, THE LOSER IS THE FIRST ONE WHO CRIES.

~ Sherman Alexie

At first I'd tried subtlety, but as it happened, Dane's mind - as fierce and strong and powerful as he was - had about the level of subtlety as a locomotive that went off the tracks and then fell off a cliff. And then hit a tree and a nitroglycerine truck.

~ Lynn Red

After you've taken so much trouble to set up recorder, you ask me now?

~ E.l. James

He licked up to her ear and whispered, “You taste like summer. Did I ever mention, summer is my favorite season?

~ Heather Thurmeier

Know what a symbol is?...Shit that stands for shit.

~ Christina Baker Kline

BABY BOY, FASHION IS NOT FOR ADVERTISING YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR SHIRT. UNH-UNH, NO IT'S NOT !

~ Lauren Weisberger

He then reaches a new low. Without warning, he is suddenly set upon by a bear.

~ P.j. Hetherhouse

We're really awful animals. I mean, that dumb Barbra Streisand song, 'People who need people are the luckiest people in the world' - she's talking about cannibals. Lot's to eat.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

[Maisie]:...going out for luncheon with a gentleman is definitely not the same as going out to dine in the evening. [Billy]: You get more grub at dinner, for a start -

~ Jacqueline Winspear

Britain and America couldn't agree on shoe sizing, dress sizing, weight, distance or temperature measurements, but on the scale of breasts, we were of one voice.

~ Pauline Wiles

Does it seem like I'm out of it? No you seemed like you were in total control as you fell down the stairs.

~ Aya Nakahara

Not planned... Hoped for maybe, but not planned. I’m a guy. I pretty much always think sex might be an option.

~ Heather Thurmeier

She wasn’t his kind of woman, and she didn’t want to fall in love with a man who would break her heart like a Dorito.

~ Rachel Gibson

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed