Humorous Quotes

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If you absolutely had to have sex with one of the Three Stooges, who would it be?

~ Douglas Carter Beane

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

They'll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it.

~ Elizabeth Horton-Newton

As a little girl, I'd have given up my Barbie Dreamhouse to have a miniature purple dragon - as an adult, I didn't find it nearly as exciting.

~ R.l. Naquin

Oh, sir! Lord Teddie bounced on his feet. Sir, I read about this sort of thing once, sir! The only way to solve it is to kill both of them. It was in the Bible!The silence rung. Lord Teddie cowered at the King's look.Ah, never mind

~ He Said

In this, then, lies their power of understanding--understanding, without words, what is authentic or inauthentic. Thus it was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the voice, which rang false for those wordless but immensely sensitive patients. It was to these (for them) most glaring, even grotesque, incongruities and improprieties that my aphasic patients responded, undeceived and undeceivable by words.This is why they laughed at the President's speech.

~ Oliver Sacks

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

~ Demetri Martin

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month leave I wonder if he will be Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he's gone too far. Unfortunately, I can't put a cover of my book My Year in Oman with Mr. Williams' picture on the cover.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Look out Below! Air Asia's catchy new advertising slogan.

~ Matthew Heines

The South: Three-wheeled Piggly Wiggly shopping carts, grease-caked engine blocks, baby strollers with shredded black hoods, Soviet rocket parts, human skulls on spikes and orange-eyed Rottweilers on heavy chains breathing fire...

~ Sean Condon

People stubbornly lived their lives as they wanted, without regard to me, to an amazing degree.

~ Charlaine Harris

It's like somebody stuffed him in a barrel full of moonshine-proof cluelessness and then left him there to get pickled in it while it fermented into malice.

~ Alma Alexander

Wisdom of the Ages: Forgiveness Steroids for the Soul.

~ Matthew Heines

For instance, a fireman is a brave fellow! He fears nothing, least ofall fire! Well, the fireman in question, who had gone to make a roundof inspection in the cellars and who, it seems, had ventured a littlefarther than usual, suddenly reappeared on the stage, pale, scared,trembling, with his eyes starting out of his head, and practicallyfainted in the arms of the proud mother of little Jammes.[1] And why?Because he had seen coming toward him, AT THE LEVEL OF HIS HEAD, BUTWITHOUT A BODY ATTACHED TO IT, A HEAD OF FIRE! And, as I said, afireman is not afraid of fire.The fireman's name was Pampin.

~ Gaston Leroux

Like old times... wanna arm wrestle for her?

~ Catherine Vale

But...was he flirting?Hmm.Not sure what I thought of that. A nice office flirt did make the day go faster, but Adam was my boss, not to mention an annoying one, and I was nothing if not professional.Snort. Yeah. That made me laugh too.

~ Camilla Chafer

I suspected his middle name was Yum.

~ Camilla Chafer

If you were a real professional, you'd build a bridge and get over it.

~ Jacqueline E. Smith

Do I look like I'm compelled to do anything? Do I seriously look like anyone could compel me to even bring them a coaster?She looked me over again. You look like you're compelled to cause trouble, but I doubt that's the boss' directive.

~ Debra Dunbar

He didn’t recruit me,” Cett pointed out. “I got pulled by my balls into this little fiasco.”“I wish I cared enough to apologize,” Elend said, staring at them.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

~ Jacob M. Appel

Typical St Mary’s. When the chips are down we don’t whine and we don’t run – we do some damage.

~ Jodi Taylor

It's not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony used to print it is the exact typeface Kubrick used for the posters and title sequences of 'Eyes Wide Shut' and '2001'.'It's Futura Extra Bold,' explains Tony. 'It was Stanley's favorite typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers too. Clean and elegant.''Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to talk about?' I asked.'God, yes,' says Tony. 'Sometimes late into the night. I was always trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to his sans serifs.

~ Jon Ronson

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

~ Oscar Wilde

Everyone has someone to call on when they're down, let me be that someone when that ones not around.

~ Mark W. Boyer

Solve this, pink-haired lady.

~ Lauren Blakely

She’s a kid. Nothing to be afraid of. You’ve faced scores of bloodthirsty enemy soldiers happily willing to die if it meant killing you. You can handle one little girl.”~ CalExcerpt From: Andrews, Keira. “Semper Fi.” iBooks. This material may be protected by copyright.

~ Keira Andrews

Seriously, what would you prefer? To stand out from everyone else, or disappear in the crowd? Because I call the latter 'sheep.

~ G.p. Burdon

With an enemy like that, who needs friends?

~ Rick Yancey

A terrified-looking bystander, a nerdy man in a sweater, calls the police and stammers into the phone: 'A huge group of people are fighting and there's pepper spray and superheroes and I don't know.

~ Jon Ronson

There was only one thing about his own appearance which really pleased Hercule Poirot, and that was the profusion of his moustaches, and the way they responded to grooming and treatment and trimming. They were magnificent. He knew of nobody else who had any moustache half as good.

~ Agatha Christie

In a way it was worth it, she thought, except that it was such a total waste.

~ Diana Wynne Jones

Living on pills, phone calls unmade, people unseen, pages unwritten, money unmade, pressure piling up all around to make some kind of breakthrough and get moving again. Get the gum off the rails, finish something, croak this awful habit of not ever getting to the end- of anything.

~ Hunter S. Thompson

How many more nights and weird mornings can this terrible shit go on? How long can the body and the brain tolerate this doom-struck craziness? This grinding of teeth, this pouring of sweat, this pounding of blood in the temples… small blue veins gone amok in front of the ears, sixty and seventy hours with no sleep.

~ Hunter S. Thompson