Funny Quotes

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

~ Martin Freeman

I think we are going to have to love ourselves. Fuck.

~ Liz Tuccillo

[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.

~ Harry Truman

How Superheroes Make Money: - Spider-Man knits sweaters. - Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. - Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.

~ Jim Benton

Mom, camping is not a date; it's an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.

~ Yvonne Prinz

On horseback you feel as if you're moving in time to classical music a camel seems to progress to the beat of a drum played by a drunk.

~ Walter Moers

Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment.

~ J.k. Rowling

In one universe, they are gorgeous, straight-teethed, long-legged, wrapped in designer fashions, and given sports cars on their sixteenth birthdays. Teacher smile at them and grade them on the curve. They know the first names of the staff. They are the Pride of the Trojans. Oops – I mean Pride of the Blue Devils.In Universe #2, they throw parties wild enough to attract college students. They worship the stink of Eau de Jocque. They rent beach houses in Cancún during Spring Break and get group-rate abortions before prom.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Fang let out a low whistle. Anyone know that Amazons could ride a giant bird?Ethon gave him a duh stare. Those of us who fought them, yeah, we know. How you think they keep kicking our asses?Cause you're pansies. Everyone knows that.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

He`s quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on his co-star Hayden Christensen].

~ Ewan Mcgregor

I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that would be toxic to most living organisms. All to sanitize my body for your chewing pleasure.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I'm telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There's just no way to really prepare for that.

~ Jim Benton

Max, you're acting like a child, the Voice said. You're above rebelling against your fate just to rebel. You've got a date with destiny. Don't be late.I brushed some hair out of my eyes. Is that a movie quote? Or is it an actual date? I don't remember destiny asking me. I never even gave destiny my phone number.

~ James Patterson

I feel my brains, like a pear, to see if it's ripe; it will be exquisite by September.

~ Virginia Woolf

Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic.

~ Will Mcintosh

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Great minds think alike-especially when they are female.

~ Christina Dodd

You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote!

~ Rachel Vincent

There are several theories on sex and all of them are lies.

~ Santosh Kalwar

A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then the desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish things up, my curiosity's piqued. That same ghoul ends up with his head cut off by a mysterious redhead . . . Ah. Now I'm interested.

~ Jeaniene Frost

New Yorkers, I figured, just pretended to be unfriendly.

~ Jeannette Walls

A horse blanket, Mel?I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right fo

~ Sherwood Smith

And I was all, Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry. (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)

~ Christopher Moore

How did I end up in this situation? I'm the district sales manager of a napkin factor. Why is my daughter in space?

~ Andy Weir

Daemon laughed I'm only at the service of one person in particularMy cheeks flamed as I scooted my chair over. You are not servicing me in any way.He leaned in, closing my newly gained distance. Not yet.Oh, come on, Daemon I'm right here. Dee frowned. You're about to make me lose my appetite.Like that will ever happen. Lisa retorted with an eye roll.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Do you ride?She smiled, her fingers lightly sliding around his ear. Not since I hit that barnZach’s hands paused on her flesh. You hit a barn? I had to avoid the cow

~ Shelly Laurenston

Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree.

~ G.k. Chesterton

She stretched, pulling out her earbuds, which apparently in Lykae was code for 'Interogate me,' because the questions, they came a-calling.

~ Kresley Cole

Jackson asked, Where'd the water come from in your house?A pipe. Then he explained to Jackson, Water travels in pipes.

~ Kresley Cole

I can't make out what they're saying; it sounds like: hiss, blah, she hiss, squeak. But the aunt appears to speak the native language.

~ Emma Chase

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

~ Victor Borge

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

~ Victor Borge

My dear fellow Said Albert, turning to Franz here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take him - we bring him back to Rome , and present him to him holiness the Pope, who asks how he can repay so great a service; Then we merely ask for a cariage and a pair of horses, and we will see the Carnival in the carriage , and doubtless the Roman people will crown us at the capitol , and proclaim us, like Curtius and the veiled Horatius, the preservers of there country. Whilst Albert proposed this scheme, signor Pastrini's face assumed an expression impossible to describe.

~ Alexandre Dumas

Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

~ Keiko Nobumoto

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child.

~ Wes Locher

I won't say that you're pretty because that dog already did. And I won't say you're funny because you have had me laughing since I met you.

~ Melissa Landers

STYLE IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE IT IS HOW YOUDO NOT WRITE LIKE ANYONE ELSE

~ Charles Ghigna

Are imperfections is which make we grate.

~ Craig Benzine

Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.You're a twisted little man.Come on, Stretch, share with the class.No! I laughed.Prude.Perv.Schoolmarm.Some other word that essentially means perv.

~ Molly Harper

Your father...isn't good with emotions.” “Yeah. Figured that out a while ago.” Like, when I was four and cried because our family cat died and he offered to have it stuffed as a means to make me feel better. It didn't.

~ Lindy Zart