Funny Quotes

Where do you find a stomach on a Thursday afternoon in Reno? Chinatown? suggests someone. Costco? Butcher Boys. Tracy pulls his phone from a pocket. Hello, I'm from the university - the catchall preamble for unorthodox inquiries.

~ Mary Roach

Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks.

~ Molly Harper

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered.

~ Molly Harper

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.

~ Molly Harper

Let me get this straight. I can't take the vampire with me because if I remove the stake, he can kill us all. Now I can't take the girl because she's what? some kind of ninja witch?

~ Tate Hallaway

Pritkin, it’s a hotel room, not a death trap!” A glance over his shoulder showed him impatient blue eyes under a fall of messy blond curls. “Anyway, you’re here.”“I can’t protect you from everything,” he forced himself to say, because it was true. It was also frankly terrifying in a way that his own mortality was not. He’d never had children, but he sometimes wondered if this was how parents felt when catching sight of a fearless toddler confidently heading toward a busy street. Not that his charge was a child, as he was all too uncomfortably aware. But the knowledge of just how many potentially lethal pitfalls lay in her path sometimes caused him that same heart-clenching terror.And the same overwhelming need to throw her over his lap and spank the living daylights out of her, he thought grimly, when she suddenly popped out of existence. “Cassie!

~ Karen Chance

My darling, you are indisposed! You must remain abed for the next eight months. Little Buford - I am NOT naming our child Buford...

~ Cassandra Clare

David tells me that fairies never say 'We feel happy': what they say is, 'We feel dancey'.

~ J.m. Barrie

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

~ Bauvard

This is really good,” Donovan Caine said, attacking his third strawberry pancake. “You sound surprised,” I said. He shrugged. “I just didn’t think an assassin would be able to cook like this.” “Well, I do get lots of practice with knives. You could say I’m multitasking.” The detective froze, his fork halfway to his mouth. “I’m kidding. I enjoy cooking. It relaxes me.

~ Jennifer Estep

It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

I can only drive slowly.That's all right.And I can only do left turns.Rose ran downstairs, grabbed a road atlas, and ran triumphantly back up again. Wales is left! Look! It's left all the way!

~ Hilary Mckay

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

~ Patrick Dewitt

Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do?

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

You couldn't be romantic if your life depended on it. You know what's lucky? Most bad guys don't ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won't matter.

~ Rachel Caine

Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?

~ Ilona Andrews

Is that what you were doing in my room?” he asks after a moment.I sigh. Why am I telling him any of this? “Yes. I was on assignment.”“I was your assignment?”“Yes.” He hesitates a moment, then grins. “That’s kind of hot.

~ Rachel Morgan

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

~ George Carlin

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

~ Bauvard

Mooooon!” said the Ogre. “Tranquility …” Then he pointed at the full moon. “Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility.” Then he added, “It’s made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.”Mickey sighed.“What’s his story?” the wraith asked.“He’s chocolate,” Mikey said.

~ Neal Shusterman

What was worse, he couldn't tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.

~ Gena Showalter

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

~ Bauvard

Manners, boy. I'll beat them into you if I have to.

~ Lori Foster

Let me get you all some punch,” I said.“You're leaving us?” said Isabel, sounding panicky.“I'll be right back,” I promised. “If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

~ Kenneth Oppel

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

~ Steven Wright

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

~ Bauvard

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

~ Bauvard

And I like a good horror story as much as the next person so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There’s clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People’s lives were saved because of what those voices told her.

~ Meg Cabot

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

~ Bauvard

If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia.

~ Dana Marie Bell

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You're going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

~ Gary Ghislain

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

~ Carroll Bryant

And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.

~ Gary Paulsen

So what's your team called? asked Kate, twisting her legs into a pretzel-like configuration, We're called the Winmates because we're inmates who win. Kate looked back and forth at Reynie and Constance, searching their expression for signs of delight. You gave yourselves a name? asked Constance. Now it was Kate's turn to be baffled. You didn't? How can you have a team without a name?

~ Trenton Lee Stewart

If there's a sexier sound on this planet than the person you're in love with cooing over the crepes you made for him, I don't know what it is.

~ Julie Powell

Otulissa swelled up to twice her normal size. 'Well, SPRINK ON YOUR SPRONK!

~ Kathryn Lasky

I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I was honest that way. I sat back, squared my shoulders, and met her eyes, all confident-like.Mom, meatloaf's like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. It should be outlawed, frankly, and serving it for dinner is like child abuse and should carry with it some pretty stiff penalties.

~ Hayden Thorne

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.

~ Terry Pratchett

A woman’s magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?”You:a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

~ Christopher Moore

We look forward to seeing all of your Vaseline coated smiles terribly soon.

~ Gitty Daneshvari