Funny Quotes

Have you been reading those books that clueless illiterate Duja in charge of the lending library lets you borrow?’ ‘No, Ma.’ ‘Then what put you in mind of devils possessing nuns to take over the church?

~ Renita D'silva

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

~ Renita D'silva

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

~ Renita D'silva

Um... I mumbled, We wait.What? Wait? Do you expect them to just come up here to the beach to get some moonlight? He sneered as he took another bite of the eagle.

~ Grace Fiorre

...She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

~ Aditi Mathur Kumar

Never mind gas masks and fallout shelters in the event of biological warfare. Many New Yorkers move from place to place equipped with the essentials of vermin assault weaponry: mouse traps, roach spray, and sticky tapes. In some neighborhoods, it’s a must.

~ Isabel Lopez

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first

~ Josh Stern

Mrs. Winalski owned a candy-apple-red 1965 Mustang GT convertible, and she drove it like she could die at any minute and needed to get five things done before that happened.

~ Lish Mcbride

Life as a private investigator, slash bounty hunter wasn’t all Gary Beck wanted it to be. There weren’t any big mansions on a palm beach owned by an affluent writer generous enough to let him live rent-free and use his spare Ferrari. But then you have to ask yourself, what could you expect living on a planet like Deanna? As a third-rate colony in the Terran Empire, Deanna had more than its fair share of dull moments. It orbits a star called Ramalama. If you think that’s funny, Deanna’s two moons are called Ding and Dong, respectively (this is a local joke) and one of them falls down occasionally.

~ Christina Engela

Hello,” said the beautiful elven maid. “I was just thinking, and I mean no offence, but—how can any fighting force crowded with the softer sex hope to prevail in battle?”“Huh?” said Elliot, brilliantly. “The softer what?”“I refer to men,” said the elf girl. “Naturally I was aware the Border guard admitted men, and I support men in their endeavor to prove they are equal to women, but their natures are not warlike, are they?

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock's locker room bitch.

~ Nenia Campbell

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

~ Cory Doctorow

We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

~ Aimee Bender

Oh, well, that's not bad, I suppose. I mean, I'd prefer devastatingly sophisticated - but almost endearing is more than I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

~ Jane Costello

I've got everything I need right here. That sentimental thought met a room full of cheesy and sarcastic aw's and an empty water bottle thrown at my head. No, stop guys, really. You're embarrassing me.

~ Rachel Higginson

A cemetery? I chuckle, but the pitch is a bit higher than I expected. At night? With a full moon? Um ... did you see any, uh, zombies, you, while you were there?Shiko blinks at me a few times. NoI slump in relief. Thank God. I mean, I don't want to be the first to die. The funny guy always dies first, for shock value, you know. Rourke would get killed next, because it's be a heroic sacrifice or something. I motion to Shiko. You'd live, though, unless you had sex.... Shiko has the look of an addled kitten, complete with head tilt. Rourke sighs and leans toward her, embarrassed. 'You'll have to excuse him. According to his mother he has an irrational fear of something called the zombie apocalypse.It's not irrational!

~ Vaughn R. Demont

I'd like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get a taste of his thoughts -Warm Bodies

~ Isaac Marion

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

~ Stephen Herfst

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so your

~ Brandon Sanderson

If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won’t argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from.

~ Jesse Ball

put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'She’s a magician; it might be loaded.

~ Garon Whited

[I] put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'She’s a magician; it might be loaded.

~ Garon Whited

Hell freezing over? I don't know. But the devil's definitely wearing a sweater.

~ J.r. Moehringer

Some people are born to fandom, others have fandom thrust upon them.

~ Nenia Campbell

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.

~ Tui T. Sutherland

Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.

~ Raheel Farooq

I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

~ Walt Disney Company

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?” I asked with a growl of my own.His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. “How did you know about that?” “Tabby-Chan told me.”“Freaking Meko-Chan,” Kuroi uttered, “I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?”“She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her.” I realized what I said. “Oops.” ~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

~ L. Benitez

Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, 'Do you think?'. 'As little as I can,' Turnip replied honestly.

~ Lauren Willig

All superheroes have origin stories, like how Bruce Wayne’s parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is an alien, and Spiderman had that radioactive spider. Me? I kissed a janitor in the school bathroom

~ Rachel Hawkins

Word of advice, sister mine. If you want to keep your papers private, don't write 'Private' on the cover. It set the mater right off. It was all I could do to stop her sniffing around like some great sniffing thing.

~ Lauren Willig

What a cool name. Where'd you get it?I've always had it.

~ Marie Landry

There are different types of fancy photographers. Some are big, fun personalities like Mario Testino, who once told me, “Lift your chin, darling, you are not eighteen.” I enjoyed his honesty. Also, I’m pretty sure he says that to models who are nineteen.

~ Tina Fey

Archbishop: God is with us!William the Great : Bishop, if God is with us, then he is not with them, congratulations!We are victorious!

~ Arash Pakravesh

Care to explain?” Ari asked.“Didn’t you see my signals?”“Yeah. But they didn’t make sense. Five into one and it’s an intrusion.”“It’s an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.”“That’s not the signal for illusion. This is.” Ari demonstrated the proper signal.“That’s what I did.”“No, you didn’t. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.”“I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”-Janco and Ari bickering

~ Maria V. Snyder

I wanted to beat the heck out of the JV guys for that, except I wouldn't know what to do in a fistfight without a manual.

~ Carrie Harris

They have provided a system which for terse comprehensiveness surpasses Justinian's Pandects and the By-laws of the Chinese Society for the Suppression of Meddling with other People's Business.

~ Herman Melville

Kissing, said Lesley, ought really to be taught as a school subject, preferably instead of religious studies, which nobody needed.

~ Kerstin Gier

Most humans expressed affection by pressing their lips together, a simple act, so why would anyone feel the need to research the process?

~ Melissa Landers

I'd like to point out that we've had zero problem reaching each other's mouths.

~ Stephanie Perkins