Funny Quotes

The funny part about Islam is; even if you rape a woman, it would be considered as her fault.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

Once Errol righted himself into some semblance of horsemanship, they set off at an easy canter. That is, the other horses set off at a canter, while Errol's horse settled into a teeth-shattering trot. After a hundred paces he could feel Horace's backbone through the saddle. The other riders pulled ahead without a backward glance, leaving him to his four-footed torture.

~ Patrick W. Carr

Don't confuse efforts with results....

~ C.p. Sennett

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation.

~ H.g. Wells

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?Artemis blinked. Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.

~ Eoin Colfer

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

~ Bauvard

Not everyone who stares likes us, we may look weird enough to get everyone’s attention.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention.

~ Orson Scott Card

If you have a problem with me, it is OK, because Mullah Omar does too.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

What’s going on?� Ingrid asked. “Listen, nothing bad today, please.� She pulled a chair out and sat down. Faye stared at her and said the words as quickly as she could. “I’m just going to give it to you straight as I can. Mila is a witch.� Ingrid busted out with a laugh. “I wouldn’t call her that,� she said. “That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?� She poured the juice into her glass and took a drink. “What did the brat do this time?� She set her glass down.

~ Taylor Keys

But that was last year,” I protested as we walked through school on Tuesday, three days beforeHalloween. “I’m serious, you know how people are. They forget about things.”“Oh, really?” Roux said, then turned and smiled at a brunette passing us. “Hey, Julia, what’s up?How are things?”“Slut,” Julia responded, and kept walking.Roux just looked back at me knowingly. “You were saying?

~ Robin Benway

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it is now quite literally the cornerstone of one of America’s greatest ballparks.(Fenway)

~ Nicole Mckay

You, lass, have a self-image problem.”Well, that might be a little true, but she also had a mirror.

~ Cherise Sinclair

All mothers are slightly insane.

~ J.d. Salinger

Even her pink bunny slippers seem to prick up their ears.Diary of a Penguin-napper (p. 15)

~ Sally Harris

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.

~ Terry Pratchett

I hate when I break my own rules. What’s the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown?

~ Jesse Ball

We do not propose any rules; we offer observations. No right on red is a rule. Driving at high speed toward a brick wall usually ends badly is an observation.

~ Howard Mittelmark

The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home.

~ Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Heat radiated off Henry's face. Salty snot ran down his upper lip. A majestic fart propelled him to the top of Section 12, just at the springing of the stadium's curve. He slapped the sign as if high-fiving a teamate. It gave back a game shudder. He was crusing now, darkness be damned, stripping off his sweatshirt and his long underwear top without breaking stride.

~ Chad Harbach

Honor is kind of what you get when you weaponize manners ...

~ Jasper Fforde

If you want to live a life free of regret, there is an option open to you. It’s called a lobotomy.

~ Kathryn Schultz

Moreover, grandmothers of students who aren't doing so well in class are at even higher risk - students who are failing are fifty times more likely to lose a grandmother compared with non-failing students. In a paper exploring this sad connection, Adam speculates that the phenomenon is due to intrafamilial dynamics, which is to say, students' grandmothers care so much about their grandchildren that they worry themselves to death over the outcome of exams.

~ Dan Ariely

We're dying of boredom, Corporal, that's the problem.' [Blend] 'If boredom was fatal there wouldn't be a soldier alive on this whole world, Blend.' [Picker]

~ Stephen Erickson

But a movie doesn't have to be good if it has Hugh Jackman.

~ Jesse Andrews

Why don't you wear those tiny shorts when you run, like they do in the movies? His voice was low and sexy, and he knew it.Because I'm not in a movie. I know it's confusing, since you obviously live 'The Saxon Show' day and night, but some of us want to live a boring, old, normal high school life, you know?

~ Liz Reinhardt

I think out of seven billion people, there is probably more than just one soul mate. Surely, the paid employee in charge of each person's love life has taken into account the possibility of fatal snake bites and heavy falling objects.

~ Augusten Burroughs

I wonder now how we got by when you weren't here.I have no doubt the devastation was widespread, the suffering universal.Indeed, it was the Dark Ages in the annals of Mrs. Dawlish's house. Ignorance was thick on the ground, and unenlkghtenment befogged all the windows.

~ Sherry Thomas

My name is Mr Bread. He began writing his name neatly on the board. But you can call me Peter.Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred.Pita Bread! proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.

~ David Walliams

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

~ Zane Stumpo

I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.

~ Alex Potvin

... sentiments which Feliks had already come to recognise as being characteristic of The Times, which would have described the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as strong rulers who could do nothing but good for the stability of the international situation.

~ Ken Follett

Your--ah--intervention, shall we say, has simplified things in the palace enormously. We no longer have to worry about Salmissra's whims and peculiar appetites. We rule by committee, and we hardly ever find it necessary to poison each other anymore. No one's tried to poison me for months.

~ David Eddings

It's not so bad.Melancholia looked at her. You're lying.I'll get used to it. So will you.I... I don't think I'll be able to.I'll be there to help when you need it.But I hate you.Valkyrie smiled. No you don't.No, I do. I want to kill you and stuff.We actually became friends in those caves.That's not what happened, said Melancholia.We're pals. We're buddies.” If my wrists weren't in shackles, my hands would be round your throat.You want to hug my throat because we're friends.

~ Derek Landy

Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.There is a vegetable-plant hybrid we've been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating.Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.

~ Derek Landy

He things we think he's a double agent, working for them but secretly working for us. He doesn't know we know he's a triple agent, working for them but secretly working for us but really he's secretly working for them. Dexter, how's your brain?Hurting.

~ Derek Landy

Nevermind nomenclatures, boy! What a serendipitous situation this is!

~ T.t. Faulkner

Please don't arrest me.Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop.Are you sure?Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure.You could be undercover.

~ Derek Landy

You promise?I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

~ Derek Landy

The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.

~ David C. Holley