Humor Quotes

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

~ Joseph Rosenbloom

110, 111 whatever it takes!Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

~ Mark Buff

Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.

~ Nicole Christie

Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I've been struck by horny lightning.

~ Nicole Christie

Life is a great big canvas, throw all tje paint you can at it.

~ Danny Kaye

Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.

~ Alan Sitomer

Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!

~ Tamara Thorne

You gotta want it.

~ Bill Murray

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

How many kids are in the Graveyard?A bunch.Who sends your supplies?George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.How often do you receive new arrivals?About as often as you beat your wife.

~ Neal Shusterman

That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies.

~ Janet Evanovich

Nature doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.

~ Pat Connid

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

~ G.d. Falksen

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

~ Joshua Donellan

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

~ Iimani David

Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Somehow I'd still managed to go all retarded at the sight of some handsome asshole with a nice smile.

~ C.j. Roberts

Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables... There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of it here. The room was as severe as anything in the novices' quarters although it had, perhaps, a more opulent severity; it wasn't the forced bareness of poverty, but the starkness of intent.

~ Terry Pratchett

Most families around town only had a bottle of aspirin in their medicine cabinets. If you had the flu, you took an aspirin. If you had a toothache, you took an aspirin. If you were bitten by a snake, you took an aspirin. If you developed kidney problems from taking too much aspirin, you took an aspirin. You wouldn't even think of going to the emergency room unless your leg was hanging by a thread. And even then you might wait a while.

~ Marlin Bressi

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

One does not go to Moscow to get fat.

~ John Updike

I suppose half the time Shakespeare just shoved down anything that came into his head.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Every author really wants to have letters printed in the paper. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

All writers are insane!

~ Cornelia Funke

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

~ William Faulkner

When she got back from taking Cassie to school Fancy knew that she ought to be working on her wilderness romance. She had promised thirty thousand words to her editor by tomorrow, and she had only written eleven. Specific

~ Jaclyn Moriarty

You know the look: genius gone to pot, and ready to join the Communist Party

~ William Saroyan

Writers were a strange sort, I knew that much from the newspapers.

~ Chris Priestley

I have high hopes for the book and have already made a down payment on a Ferrari. Well, it’s actually a small metal model of a Ferrari, kind of like a Dinky Toy, but a little bit bigger.

~ Paul Benedetti

That friend of hers has got to go, though. You're lucky you got stuck with that Dexter guy instead of

~ Dexter Palmer

My people, we stay indoors. We have keyboards. We have darkness.

~ Neil Gaiman

The problem with taxation is that authors can't write off whiskey as a business expense.

~ Bryan Way

How is Mrs. Rivers doing?' asked the agent, a very tall and large man, well-dressed, bald and depressing, with a manner of gliding into his office from a side door without perceptibly moving his feet which had struck terror into many young writers and caused them to accept the lowest terms Mr. Hobb could offer.

~ Angela Thirkell

I believe books should be like a prime rib steak ~ good and thick.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

I soon forgot about my bedraggled appearance. Until, that is, an old man shuffled in and propped himself, hunched and wheezing, over the check-in desk. Karen asked him if he needed assistance. “No,” he grunted sucking on his teeth, “your wet-T-shirt librarian with the punk rock hair is helping me out just fine.

~ Suzanne Kelman

The ‘coons had enjoyed a real party, and my trashcan had been the piñata! They’d obviously indulged in an evening of feasting on our wares and then staggered off the property loaded up with our birdseed as a little take-home gift!

~ Suzanne Kelman

The face that greeted me, however, was far from welcoming, it was a miniature stick insect of a woman with wiry white hair and enormous glasses that emphasized her heavily wrinkled face. She blinked twice and looked me up and down. By the look on her face, she wasn’t that impressed with what she saw. “Who is it, Ethel?”She responded, “It’s some homeless woman. She looks like she needs money and a good wash.” And I thought I’d already reached the lowest point of my day.

~ Suzanne Kelman

It is a wonderful thing to be liked by a stranger, but without respect it is pointless. It is like pulling the pedals off a rose and throwing the stem at the person you like. It’s creepy, but had good intentions that suddenly experienced some strange form of verticillium wilt, during the climate change of their mood.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Jenny Marzen is who again? Amy knew perfectly well who she was. Jenny Marzen was hot, hotter than Amy had ever been, and Jenny Marzen would be washed up in ten years and didn't know it. And Jenny is my number one fan?No, but she likes you. She read your stories in grad school.What is she, twelve?The point is, she really liked the article, and all that stuff about experience and news. Lex says she says you've got gravitas.That's a dirty lie. I never even had mono.

~ Jincy Willett

Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones. — It is not fair. — He has fame and profit enough as a poet, and should not be taking the bread out of other people’s mouths. — I do not like him, and do not mean to like Waverley if I can help it — but fear I must.

~ Jane Austen