Humor Quotes

Shame comes in different doses.

~ Carla H. Krueger

It’s late and most of the clerks are at home in their beds, dreaming of swimming in pools filled with real money.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Don’t mock my suggestions, Ridley – one day in the near future, they might just save your life.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

~ Carla H. Krueger

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

~ Carla H. Krueger

He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.

~ Carla H. Krueger

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

~ Carla H. Krueger

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Maxwell D. Kalist is a receiving teller at a city bank, Orwell and Finch, where he runs an efficient department of twenty two clerks and twelve junior clerks. He carries a leather-bound vade mecum everywhere with him – a handbook of the most widely contravened banking rules. He works humourlessly (on the surface of it) in a private, perfectly square office on the third floor of a restored grain exchange midway along the Eastern flank of Květniv’s busy, modern central plaza. Behind his oblong slate desk and black leather swivel chair is an intimidating, three-storey wall made almost entirely of bevelled, glare-reducing grey glass in art-deco style; one hundred and thirty six rectangles of gleam stacked together in a dangerously heavy collage.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Each day of the week, Kalist indulges himself in a different, secret ritual. On Mondays, he wears cologne. On Tuesdays, he eats meat for lunch. On Wednesdays, he places a bet after work. On Thursdays, he smokes one cigarette (but claims he’s not a smoker). On Fridays, he treats himself to his favourite pastime: horse practice – he grew up with horses and likes to try and emulate their distinctive whinnies, snorts, neighs, snuffles, sighs, grunts, fluttering nostrils, the occasional aggressive outburst and the especially beautiful nicker of a mare to her foal. And, on Saturdays, lest we forget, Maxwell D. Kalist drinks wine from a chalice.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Freedom was the price of privacy.

~ Susanna Kaysen

I want to make sure I remember what real ugly is. I might want to tell my grandchildren someday.

~ Stephen King

I'm as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night.

~ Nenia Campbell

Do not mock my baby. He pulls away and strokes his palm over he seat. She was my first love.Well your current ... er ... girl, is getting jealous with all the attention you're paying your first love, and she has orifices you can stick things in without having your boy bits burnt off.He pulls me into him again and his mouth goes to work on my neck. “Fuck I love it when you talk dirty.

~ Carmen Jenner

All right,” she said a little sarcastically. “I was going to assume you liked eating babies and sacrificing virgins, but I might as well ask, what do you do for fun?”“I languish in sin,” I replied in the same tone. “I take my babies rare, and my virgins over easy.

~ Nenia Campbell

Well, I don't know, Lina. But let's just say I've met a lot of dead people.

~ Ruta Sepetys

An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread.But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don’t want to eat dull wholesome food.You want something a little more colourful, exciting, tastier, meatier and juicier.

~ R.s. Vern

Are you going to let me be eaten?' Billy Beecham looks stunned.'Don't you know that sometimes Beast collectors get collected?' I ask him.'But you're a virgin.''Virgins were never sacrifices,' I say. Not to this kind of Beast. Virgin are collaborators.

~ Maria Dahvana Headley

Are you going to let me be eaten?' Billy Beecham looks stunned.'Don't you know that sometimes Beast collectors get collected?' I ask him.'But you're a virgin.''Virgins were never sacrifices,' I say. Not to this kind of Beast. Virgins are collaborators.

~ Maria Dahvana Headley

In every relationship one must sacrifice to show thy love. Are you willing to make sacrifices for someone you love?

~ Jonathan Anthony Burkett

My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.

~ David Sedaris

...as the old saying goes: if you teach a man to fish, he will feed himself for a lifetime. But if you just give him a fishing pole, he’ll have to teach himself.

~ Zechariah Barrett

Never talk back to a teacher. Teachers are like God. Actually, teachers are God's boss.

~ Deborah Wiles

Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.

~ David Thorne

Jerzy,” said I, turning to the Dean of Students, who was nearby, “You’re experienced in these things, and I’m not. Will you tell me whether it is an unalterable rule in this school for a teacher to lose himself in the middle of the night scrambling to find what he cannot see and what is probably not there?”“Isn’t that what we do in the classroom every day?” said Witskoc. “Yes, I’m afraid that’s how it is. I’d like to see how you can construct a pedagogical context made up of nothing but security and certainties.

~ Eric Mace-Tessler

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day.

~ Max Braithwaite

I don't see how it's doing society any good to have it's members walking around with vague memories of algebraic formulas and geometric diagrams, and clear memories of hating them.

~ Paul Lockhart

Hypotheses like professors, when they are seen not to work any longer in the laboratory, should disappear.

~ Henry Edward Armstrong

The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was return the favor and pretend that they were writers.

~ David Sedaris

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it may be difficult. Von Neumann didn’t say anything but after five minutes he raised his hand. When I called on him he went to the blackboard and proceeded to write down the proof. After that I was afraid of von Neumann.

~ George Pólya

Mathematics education is much more complicated than you expected, even though you expected it to be more complicated than you expected.

~ Edward Griffith Begle

The expression 'Those who can't do, teach' is a curious one, because if you look at the world , you'll see that teachers aren't particularly worse at doing things than anyone else, so perhaps the expression might be better worded as 'nobody can do anything

~ Lemony Snicket

There's nothing sillier in the world than a teacher telling you don't do it after you already did it.

~ Frank Mccourt

Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

~ Fran Lebowitz

All the kids from daycare are in dreamland.The froggie has made his last leap.Hell no you can't go to the bathroom.You know where you can go?The f**k to sleep.

~ Adam Mansbach

Then all was quiet save only for the low voices of those that talked together, ... , and saving, also, for the mellow snoring of Friar Tuck, who enjoyed his sleep with a noise as of one sawing soft wood very slowly.

~ Howard Pyle