Humorous Quotations Quotes

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

~ Stewart Lee Beck

Deep down, he's shallow.

~ Peter De Vries

The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.

~ J.s. Davey

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

~ Peter De Vries

Wisdom of the Ages: Women Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, Strong women make strong men.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages US News Media If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: President's Day One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Government Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Unsuccessful pick-up lines 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: National Symbol With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Valentine's Day Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

~ Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Marshawn Lynch Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

~ Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Virtual Reality A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Rainier A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: Tom Brady's Balls.

~ Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: Unger Games If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go 'Unger-y.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Skull and Bones A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

~ Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: Soylent Green No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

~ Matthew Heines

Observation:Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013

~ Lisa Tolliver

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

~ Melissa Mercer

If you fall in love with a character, then you are actually falling in love with the author that wrote the character. Therefore, you could conclude that if you are said author, you are in love with yourself.

~ Heather Dowell

Wisdom of the Ages: Ferguson Riots They were ready to tear America to shreds over their grief-right until the TV cameras left to cover the football games.

~ Matthew Heines

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you as I do all - not at all.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Weakness is weaker when discovered by others.

~ Mita Jain

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

~ Mita Jain

He was king, if he didn’t have enemies he wasn’t doing it right.

~ S.e. Zbasnik

My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.

~ Melita Tessy

...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

A bug lies in quiet repose;when he passed no one knows.Did he suffer, was he pained?Before he died, was knowledge gained?Were all life’s pressures much too great.To put upon so small a weight?Although not one for pessimism,I think he died of journalism!

~ Nikhil Sharda