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The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

~ Jackson Radcliffe

Jackson Radcliffe Comedy Humorous Humourous Sex Yoga

You'll let me put a total stranger's piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass up. But you know, I'd rather eat Ebola pudding than let your sad little dick near me. She wiggled her fingers as she slipped past him. Toodles Oh, he needed to tap that.

~ Larissa Ione

Larissa Ione Blaspheme Humorous Revenant Sex

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.

~ Jacob M. Appel

Jacob M. Appel Dating Dating Advice Dating Tips Humor Humorous Men Persuasion Romance Sex Sexuality Sexy Humor Women

Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'?

~ Erica Dakin

Erica Dakin Court Fantasy Romance Humorous Manhood Sex Vagina

Suffering is the sorrow of joy.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Lailah Gifty Akita Humorous Inspirational Joy Sorrow Suffering

...life's about accumulating wrinkles, deep as rivers and as wide as is needed to travel along their path, so that by the time you're ready to die, your life can be read.

~ Liam Howley

Liam Howley Humorous Wisdom Quotes

It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. In part, this is because small girls and babysitters, who are usually slightly larger girls, belong to the same species, and therefore understand each other. Small boys, on the other hand, do not understand girls, and therefore being looked after by one is a little like a hamster being looked after by a shark. If you are a small boy, it may be some consolation to you to know that even large boys do not understand girls, and girls, by and large, do not understand boys. This makes adult life very interesting.

~ John Connolly

John Connolly Babysitter Children Humorous

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.

~ Don Marquis

Don Marquis Children Humorous Incorrigible

Stay strong. Don't be bullied by anyone.

~ Luke Bookwrighter

Luke Bookwrighter Children Fiction Humor Humorous Kids Books Teens Young Adult Fiction

Children are holy angels.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Lailah Gifty Akita Angels Childbirth Children Holy Humorous Miracle Parent Pregnancy Quotes

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

~ Leah Broadby

Leah Broadby Children Children S Books Humor Humorous Humour Philosophical Philosophy Ya Books

It's all your fault, Mother,' said Larry austerely; 'you shouldn't have brought us up to be so selfish.' 'I like that!' exclaimed Mother. 'I never did anything of the sort!' 'Well, we didn't get as selfish as this without some guidance,' said Larry.

~ Gerald Durrell

Gerald Durrell Children Humorous Mothers Selfish

And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made a noise for the last two minutes; ‘And she is always so gentle and quiet—Never was there such a quiet little thing!’ But unfortunately in bestowing these embraces, a pin in her ladyship’s head dress slightly scratching the child’s neck, produced from this pattern of gentleness such violent screams, as could hardly be outdone by any creature professedly noisy. The mother’s consternation was excessive; but it could not surpass the alarm of the Miss Steeles, and every thing was done by all three, in so critical an emergency, which affection could suggest as likely to assuage the agonies of the little sufferer. She was seated in her mother’s lap, covered with kisses, her wound bathed with lavender-water, by one of the Miss Steeles, who was on her knees to attend her, and her mouth stuffed with sugar plums by the other. With such a reward for her tears, the child was too wise to cease crying.

~ Jane Austen

Jane Austen Children Humorous

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

~ Mark Jackman

Mark Jackman Fiction Funny Book Quotes Funny Quotes Humorous Humour Mistakes

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen, when in an uncharacteristic error of judgement he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

~ Mark Jackman

Mark Jackman Fiction Humor Humorous Mistakes

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

~ Mark Jackman

Mark Jackman Fiction Hamsters Humor Humorous Inventions

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

~ Shomprakash Sinha Roy

Shomprakash Sinha Roy Advice Advice For Writers Fiction Humor Humorous Writing

He says he'd like to kiss the ground you walk on-reminds me, did you wash them yesterday?- and after that you're his skivvy.

~ Bertolt Brecht

Bertolt Brecht Feminism Humorous Men

Oh, you know what bloggers are like, they write and write and write. I don't know why, because they're not being paid.

~ Jon Ronson

Jon Ronson Humorous Psychology Psycopaths

That's a good attitude. You should hate me more, curse me more, and detest me! Then you should take the power of that hatred and use it to survive this rotten world.

~ Hideaki Sorachi

Hideaki Sorachi Gintama Humorous Life Manga Sarcasm Strength

So where does the name Adam's apple come from? Most people say that it is from the notion that this bump was caused by the forbidden fruit getting stuck in the throat of Adam in the Garden of Eden. There is a problem with this theory because some Hebrew scholars believe that the forbidden fruit was the pomegranate. The Koran claims that the forbidden fruit was a banana. So take your pick---Adam's apple, Adam's pomegranate, Adam's banana. Eve clearly chewed before swallowing.

~ Mark Leyner

Mark Leyner Belief Funny Humorous Irony Relationships

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account...

~ Hiroko Sakai

Hiroko Sakai Artist Bank Account Depression Funny Humorous Inspiration Life Struggling Artist Wit Witty

You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour? I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.Just a hot dog then.Some coffee?Milk?Soda?Tea?LifeSavers?Slurpee?Just let me know. I'm here. I knew I knew ya!

~ Planes

Planes Humorous Kindness Compassion Life And Living

You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour? I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer.Just a hot dog then.Some coffee?Milk?Soda?Tea?LifeSavers?Slurpee?Just let me know. I'm here. knew I knew ya!

~ Planes

Planes Humorous Kindness Compassion Life And Living

A life is like a book of many chapters, some interesting, a few boring,a handful sad,one or two memorable, many joyful and others thoughtful.

~ Elzabeth Adeniyi

Elzabeth Adeniyi Faith In God Humorous Inspirational Life And Living

A life is similar to a book. Some chapters are boring,a few emotional, a handful memorable,others saddening,one or two thoughtful and many full of smiles.

~ Mopelola Adeniyi

Mopelola Adeniyi Humorous Inspiration Life And Living

Until you have experienced raccoons mating underneath your bedroom at three in the morning, you have missed one of life's sensational moments.

~ Robert Fulghum

Robert Fulghum Humorous Life And Living

Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!

~ Neil Leckman

Neil Leckman Humorous Life And Living

First we crawl. Later we crawl on broken glass.

~ Scott Meyers

Scott Meyers Humorous Learning Painful Personal Growth

Why should I trust you?” Her eyes narrowed. “All I really know about you is that you’re not loyal to your girlfriends, you treat one-night stands like crap, and apparently you’ve made quite a name for yourself not only in the business world, but also in the bedroom since we last met.

~ Zoe Forward

Zoe Forward Humor Humorous Love Trust

After all, nothing nurtures a friendship bond more than the ability to consistently bitch about someone else!

~ Pawan Mishra

Pawan Mishra Bitching Friendship Friendship And Love Funny Humorous Relationship

Could the entire notion of finding one’s soul mate be a simple case of looking for ourselves in another body? Is the “soul mate” really just the best approximation of ourselves that we can find?

~ Dermot Davis

Dermot Davis Conscious Relationship Dating Humor Humorous Love Relationship Soul Mates

Romantic love has its place but to define relationship solely in romantic terms is like describing marriage only by what a couple does on their honeymoon.

~ Dermot Davis

Dermot Davis Dating Humor Humorous Marriage Relationship Romantic Love

I am a trembling mess from hip to knee. There is a terrible heat, a looseness in my innards that makes me want to dig my fists between my thighs. It is a confusing feeling - somewhere between diarrhoea and sex - this grief that is almost genital.

~ Anne Enright

Anne Enright Feelings Grief Humorous Sadness

Adventures of Lailah Gifty Akita, the wonder woman!

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Lailah Gifty Akita Adventure Happy Soul Humorous Imagination Inspiring Positive Woman Wonder

I laugh when i'm hurt.I laugh when i'm confused.I laugh when i'm angry.I laugh because others will laugh as well, and while we are laughing, I feel okay for a while.

~ Damien Buerger

Damien Buerger Humorous Inspirational Sadness

Sobs force their way out of my throat. I feel like I’m trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into darkness and ash. Sunflowers are being uprooted. Puppies are being trampled. Whole cities are crumbling to dust.

~ Paula Stokes

Paula Stokes Humorous Relateable Sadness

I am never one to judge others; I am so eccentric myself that I have no right to cast aspersions. A person may or may not like a thing, and I have little to say other than I love it too or how could you dare not like it please die promptly, but I leave everyone to find their own niches in time. We are all avid about certain things; I happen to rave over many subjects, all of which have a place in the Kingdom of Nerdonia, and whenever I hear someone unjustly disparage a thing I consider sacred, I lay it down that the person is either mistaken or a dunderwhelp, the latter being the likeliest of the two. There is a great difference between knowledge accompanied by bias and ignorance accompanied by gallantry, and while all tastes may be what they are, there are bare necessities that will immediately define a character and relationship, these things usually being how many Monty Python lines one knows and whether or not they know what Iocaine is.The strength of lasting friendships rests on whether one can sing the theme to Neverending Story.

~ Michelle Franklin

Michelle Franklin Friends Humorous Nerdiness

Stop teasing you two,” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.”“Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

E.a. Bucchianeri Artists Compliments Friends Funny Humorous Ideas Odd People Wacky

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?”“Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

~ Camilla Isley

Camilla Isley Humor Humorous Humour Love Men Men And Women Romantic Comedy Women And Men
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