Comedy Quotes

Who are you after?”“The snarky asshole one.”“Could you be a little more specific.”“The one who has a staff and throws their toys out of the pram that one.”“Ooh.”“Yeah.

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Yeah no shit, try asking random people about a bird owned by someone you don't know!” Javal countered “Well still you got it!” Javal acknowledged this with a small grin “Now what?” Javal asked Ingra scratched his head “Yeah...Well Dilmore suggested the idea....Not me.

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

The house in the story is based on my friend Tori's house in Kinsale, Ireland, which is obviously not actually haunted, and the sound of people upstairs moving wardrobes around when you are downstairs there and alone is probably just something that old houses do when they think they are unobserved.

~ Neil Gaiman

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

~ Peter Houston

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.

~ Neel Burton

But it is infamous that they have not told you!’ declared Eustacie. ‘Je n’en reviendrai jamais!’‘If it’s all the same to you, miss, I’d just as soon you’d talk in a Christian language,’ said Mr. Stubbs.

~ Georgette Heyer

They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women. They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.

~ George Carlin

The animals were happy as they had never conceived it possible to be. Every mouthful of food was an acute positive pleasure, now that it was truly their own food, produced by themselves and for themselves, not doled out to them by a grudging master. With the worthless parasitical human beings gone, there was more for everyone to eat. There was more leisure too, inexperienced though the animals were.

~ George Orwell

[T]he definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.

~ Tina Fey

...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny,' or 'Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny... Do you have anything to say to that?'Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it.I don't say it out loud, of course, because Jerry Lewis is a great philanthropist, Hitchens is very sick, and the third guy I made up.

~ Tina Fey

There is a simple explanation for why men haven't found women funny. It's because men only ever experience women in relation to men: they never get to see what women are like with one another. Shows like ours started to let men in on the joke.

~ Magda Szubanski

What can you answer? Now be careful, don’t arouse my spite, Or with my slipper I’ll take you napping,faces slappingLeft and right.

~ Aristophanes

Friendship is constant in all other thingsSave in the office and affairs of love.Therefore all hearts in love use their own tongues.Let every eye negotiate for itself,And trust no agent; for beauty is a witchAgainst whose charms faith melteth into blood.

~ William Shakespeare

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.

~ Lenny Bruce

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

~ Craig Ferguson

Artist communities love to bullshit each other and glad-hand one another, and there's no room for the crippling honesty of comedy.I'm a painter -- well... you don't...probably need to do that.. . . if you're painting something that doesn't exist, I understand that, I can appreciate- . . . but if your pain- 'oh, it's a barnyard scene in autumn'--well then just take a picture of a barn in autumn! It's way better than a painting! - Before Turning the Gun on Himself [2012]

~ Doug Stanhope

For me, every week is a fashion week.

~ Nuno Roque

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

~ Criss Jami

Humanity is a comic role.

~ Novalis

The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same—dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits—the repetition through the ages is comedy.

~ Dawn Powell

Through comedy, we can touch core societal beliefs and transform them completely. I believe we can get to the truth of some deep societal ideologies, and begin to transform them into a new understanding. Far too many promote hateful ideologies, and we must do much more to bring our cultures together, in love and peace.

~ Catherine Chen

Comedy is not the opposite of darkness, but its natural bedfellow. Pain makes laughter necessary; laughter makes pain tolerable.

~ Mindy Greenstein

Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of it—he’s a widower now, so they can ride off together into the sunset, their wedding rings glinting.

~ Brenda Joyce

The Ultimate Rule ought to be: 'If it sounds GOOD to you, it's bitchin'; if it sounds BAD to YOU, it's shitty. The more your musical experience, the easier it is to define for yourself what you like and what you don't like. American radio listeners, raised on a diet of _____ (fill in the blank), have experienced a musical universe so small they cannot begin to know what they like.

~ Frank Zappa

For the record, folks; I never took a shit on stage and the closest I ever came to eating shit anywhere was at a Holiday Inn buffet in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.

~ Frank Zappa

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.

~ Conan O'brien

What do you mean? In Old Castle? I still live with my parents in case you haven’t noticed, Jack. Those two strangers – that man and woman sitting on my sofa – are actually my parents. Oh, you mean your place? Yes, let’s evict your parents…let’s place them neatly in a cardboard box and leave it by the rubbish bins!

~ Jonathan Dunne

Take care of your car in the garage, and the car will take care of you on the road.

~ Amit Kalantri

Among all the machines, motorcar is my favorite machine.

~ Amit Kalantri

I am so obsessed with the cars that sometimes I feel like my heart is not a muscle, it's an engine.

~ Amit Kalantri

I love the wheels, I mean steering wheel.

~ Amit Kalantri

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

~ Josh Stern

No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.

~ Terry Pratchett

Once bitten twice shy? Sure, but... why not get a bigger dog and bite them back?

~ A.a. Bell

Some people fight fire with fire. I've found water to be more effective.

~ Adrianne Ambrose

I don't believe in virgin sacrifice. It encourages promiscuity at an early age

~ Adrianne Ambrose

The only way to get the ending you want is to write your own story.

~ Ashley Ford

He had to die someday too. He might do it on sheets with a six-hundred-plus thread count, but he'd die just the same. Death wouldn't forget about him.

~ John Howard Matthews

The first thing you lose when you die is your motor skills.

~ John Howard Matthews

Oooh, dinner and a show! How come you never take us to dinner and a show?He smiled at Roxy. I would spend the entire evening fending off the hordes of your admirers.She fanned herself and grinned back at him. You gotta love all that suave debonairness!

~ Katie Macalister