Comedy Quotes

When men were ready to marry, look out. Their evolution busted out all over. They nabbed the closest female hanging out near their caves, anyone who looked like she would clean his woolly mammoth tunics down by the creek, keep his fires burning, bear his children, and tote his brood around on a fur-clad hip.

~ Gale Martin

When men were ready to marry, look out. Their evolution busted out all over. They nabbed the closest female hanging out near their caves, anyone who looked like she would clean his wooly mammoth tunics down by the creek, keep his fires burning, bear his children, and tote his brood around on a fur-clad hip.--Ellie Overton

~ Gale Martin

He had learned Lesson One: Let French women tell you what they want.

~ Peggy Kopman-Owens

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash drives around)on Boone's computer. I hit the close button and watched the smelly part of my delicious dinner slide away. Boone would have a great time wondering 'where's that smell coming from?

~ Duffy Brown

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

~ Terry Weible Murphy

It’s still all “ifs” “buts” and “maybes”.’ ‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

~ Terry Weible Murphy

And then split his own cranium in half. I would like to see you do that yourself Blore. It would take some practice.

~ Lombard Philip Lombard

Meaning, yes -- I don't really exist except on the page or in the back of your brain. But if you think it's weird a fictional character's telling this story, you ain't seen what happened, yet.

~ Kyle Michel Sullivan

She had her own barometer for knowing when a man was getting too close: as soon as he felt comfortable enough to help himself to something in her refrigerator, he was history....Filching leftover was simply too domestic for her to stomach. A man might as well say, I'm hungry and I'm taking your food, woman. First he'd be foraging for food in the fridge, next he'd be expecting her to cook for him, replace buttons on his shirt, and give up her job to have babies that looked like him.

~ Stephanie Bond

Girls, we're fiction editors--we know how to plot, and we know how to cover our tracks. We can teach Jerry Key a lesson he'll never forget.

~ Stephanie Bond

Everything about the man spoke of virility--his quick reaction, his calm control now that danger had passed. And she'd never seen a man wield a gun in real life--it was kind of a turn-on to know that he'd protected her. Of course he had protected everyone, but he _had_ sort of singled her out by heaving her to the floor.

~ Stephanie Bond

If there's anything worse in this world than a bad batch of babi guling, it's hindsight.

~ S.a. Tawks

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

~ Sol Luckman

He wanted to break up with me in the cafeteria? Fat chance. I leaned toward him and touched his arm in a girlfriend sort of way. “If you planned to stage a public breakup with me, you can forget it.”Amusement showed in his hazel eyes. “Think you can stop me?

~ Chris Cannon

Calling a book Young Adult is just a fancy way of saying the book is censored. People used to say they like to read books about romance, true crime, comedy, horror or science fiction. But these days people simply say they like to read Young Adult books. As if that were a topic. But that's the thing: Young Adult is not a topic, it's a level of censorship. Saying I like Young Adult books is just another way of saying I like books that have been dumbed down for children. I like books with no big words and no difficult abstract concepts. Nothing that will strain my brain. People like to brag that they used to start reading at an early age, as if that were a badge of honor, a sign of intelligence. Nobody brags about when they started to watch TV. But books are being dumbed down so much these days, it's really not a sign of great intelligence when you're a grown up and you struggle your way through Green Eggs and Ham.

~ Oliver Markus

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

~ Carroll Bryant

Today I feel like I did tomorrow.

~ Carroll Bryant

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

~ Demetri Martin

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

~ Sol Luckman

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling.

~ Juanda Brahma Metta

Life is a great big canvas, throw all tje paint you can at it.

~ Danny Kaye

People in third world countries aren't living in poverty, they're living pretty much as nature intended us to live it and putting us all to shame

~ James Perrin

Meeting a vampire is kind of like a celebrity sighting, but where the celebrity possibly wants to kill you.

~ Adrianne Ambrose

Live your life as a novel with a daring, awesome main character; otherwise you’re just there for comic relief.

~ Alexandra Bunker

Kato and the Fountain of Wrinkles – where wrinkles meet Tinseltown. For famous pug actor Kato Rhyan, acting isn't about fame, it's a part of him buried deep within his soul; and he's not about to let anything stand in his way of becoming the first animal to win an Oscar for Best Actor, even if it means taking on a role that requires a wrinkly dog's worst nightmare -- Botox injections. Dr. Carrington looked as though the wind had been knocked out of her. “Why would anyone ever want to go back to wrinkles?” she stammered.“Well, obviously, we only agreed to do this because of the role. His face needs to be smooth for the fur extensions. But come on, you didn’t really expect him to want to stay wrinkle-free. Honestly, he’s a pug. They’re supposed to be wrinkly.”“I mean, I know it can be done, but no one has ever asked me to do it before. Plus, I have a reputation to uphold. This is Beverly Hills. The last thing I need is the reputation that I can’t keep my wrinkles straight.” Rhys Ella, Kato and the Fountain of Wrinkles, 2014.

~ Rhys Ella

There are 3 reasons for why you can't beat me. First, I'm better looking than you are. Second, your blows are too light. And third, there's nothing in the world I can't tear up.

~ Akimine Kamijyo

Sin and grace, absence and presence, tragedy and comedy, they divide the world between them and where they meet head on, the Gospel happens.

~ Frederick Buechner

Look, kid,” he said, “you don’t spend a lifetime in comedy without learning a thing or two about evil.

~ Larry Mccarley

How my heart missed beating like this. For him. Only for him.

~ Ella Maise

Since he didn’t seem to understand the situation, I felt it my duty to enlighten him. “Wrong. You started this stupid rumor and half the school probably believes it’s true. Now you have to stick around and pretend to be my boyfriend to convince everyone I don’t have sex with random guys. Not to mention the fact that if you’d kept your mouth shut about getting laid, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”He raised a brow. “So you’re my punishment?

~ Chris Cannon

With his blond hair, broad shoulders, and perpetual tan,Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I’d thought about him in his underwear.Much.

~ Chris Cannon

Whatever you say, sweetheart.” He sent her a wink, a devilish one, the same one he no doubt used to sear the panties off his dates.

~ Jessica Lemmon

So, how’d you get the tattoo?” she said.“Drunken frat boys don’t say no to things their drunken frat brothers are telling them to do.”“That almost sounds like an admission of weakness from the invulnerable Andrew Sheffield.”“Not weakness. Stupidity, maybe. That, I’ll cop to.”“I can’t believe the man behind such a successful business is stupid.”“You’d be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid.

~ Linda Morris

Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

~ Molly Harper

Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.

~ Edgar Allan Poe

Your tills are talking to me and want me to take them home. Does this often happen?

~ Steven Poore

Your fortune teller cursed me. Foul spirits haunt every supermarket I go to. I can't show my face in Morrisons.

~ Steven Poore

That's scary, all the time to be afraid Wreck 2015 (Film, you should check it out).

~ Deyth Banger

I have a present for you.” He raised his eye brows. “I don’t like your surprises.” “You’ll like this one. Close your eyes.

~ Mav Skye