Funny Quotes

Jake wasn't about to be seduced like some schoolgirl. Not by a man who went by the unlikely name of Tornado, not by anyone. He stood as firmly as he could in the mud and tore his mouth from the kiss, staring into too dark eyes. As his hands made their way into Tor's wet jeans he said, This doesn't mean I like you, you know.

~ Chris Owen

I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, No, but he and Ken got married last week. Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check.

~ James Howe

His heavy-lidded gaze reflected a languor that had nothing to do with having just awakened, and there was no doubt what was on his mind. But this is no safe cherry picker, Gwen thought, growing more concerned by the moment.This man looks like a cherry tree chopper-downer.

~ Karen Marie Moning

He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.

~ Darynda Jones

You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.

~ Darynda Jones

Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don't know why that is, exactly. Maybe it's the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it's something I think I see sometimes in the mirror, something that reminds me of my father. Or maybe I'm just damn easy on the eyes.

~ Kendare Blake

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

~ Carroll Bryant

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team? said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains.

~ J.k. Rowling

1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x

~ Holly Smale

Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here.To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble.We'll see.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

So hologram means-- I finally said.It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now.

~ Rachel Hawkins

And when demigods use cell phones, the signals agitate every monster within a hundred miles. It's like sending up a flare: Here I am! Please rearrange my face!

~ Rick Riordan

She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.”“Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them.

~ Ilona Andrews

Somehow, Sydney had an internal clock that told her when time was up. I think it was part of her inherent ability to keep track of a hundred things at once. Not me. In these moments, my thoughts were usually focused on getting her shirt off and whether I’d get past the bra this time. So far, I hadn’t.

~ Richelle Mead

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

~ Honoré De Balzac

There was a small wooden gazebo built out over the water; Isabelle was sitting in it, staring out across the lake. She looked like a princess in a fairy tale, waiting at the top of her tower for someone to ride up and rescue her. Not that traditional princess behavior was like Isabelle at all. Isabelle with her whip and boots and knives would chop anyone who tried to pen her up in a tower into pieces, build a bridge out of the remains, and walk carelessly to freedom, her hair looking fabulous the entire time.

~ Cassandra Clare

Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) No. You'll fuck it up and die.So I took it apart.

~ Andy Weir

Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty.

~ Santosh Kalwar

Hatsuharu Sohma: [after tripping Kyo] If I hadn't had tripped you, you wouldn't have stopped now would you.[addressing the audience]Hatsuharu Sohma: By the way what I just did was very dangerous. And if it had been anyone but Kyo they probably would have been hurt pretty badly, so don't try it at home.Kyo Sohma: Don't try it here and who are you even talking to?

~ Natsuki Takaya

She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea.

~ Charles Dickens

I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside

~ Jessica Verday

You mean she doesn’t intend to blow me up before the ceremony?” said Kai, taking the box. “How disappointing.

~ Marissa Meyer

Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.

~ Jamie Mcguire

It's sick and twisted and violent. Other than that it is totally G rated.

~ Elizabeth Cruickshank

That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing.Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.I glared at him. 'And just what do you mean by that?'Dad counted on his fingers. 'He's cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn't land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.'Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I'm cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he's the only one left. One of his brothers didn't even have a butthole.'I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor.

~ Haven Kimmel

Is there any good news?' Tesla

~ Clive Barker

Marc’s hand tightened visibly around Kevin’s fingers, his digits going white. Again. Both men clenched their jaws, Kevin in pain, and Marc in an obvious effort to control his temper and keep from breaking Kevin’s hand. Off. Why couldn’t guys find a more original way to test each other’s manly prowess? Arm wrestling might have been more subtle. Or maybe comparing the length of their…canines.

~ Rachel Vincent

Jean grinned down at her, and she handed him something in a small silk bag.'What's this?''Lock of my hair, ' she said. 'Meant to give it to you days ago, but we got busy with all the raiding. You know. Piracy. Hectic life. ''Thank you, love, ' he said.'Now, if you find yourself in trouble wherever you go, you can hold up that little bag to whoever's bothering you, and you can say, You have no idea who you're fucking with. I'm under the protection of the lady who gave me this object of her favour. ''And that's supposed to make them stop?''Shit no, that's just to confuse them. Then you kill them while they're standing there looking at you funny.

~ Scott Lynch

What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!

~ Simon Holt

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!

~ Rick Riordan

To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans

~ Zoë Marriott

I'm healthy as an ox. And you? To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking.

~ Christopher Paolini

Are you okay with what we ordered?” Angeline asked him. “You didn’t pipe up with any requests.” Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would’ve loved. “I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you’ll learn not to argue about any food coming your way.” Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they’d ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines.

~ Richelle Mead

There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan

~ J.k. Rowling

Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.

~ Patricia Briggs

I had died and woken up in High School Musical

~ Jamie Mcguire

Trust her we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

~ Sandi Lynn

What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>

~ Deb Caletti