Humorous Quotes Quotes

I am grateful for hands to tickle with. Not so grateful for that process in reverse, however.

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

A grayeyard is not a democracy, and yet death is the great democracy..

~ Neil Gaiman

It's more like how some people can't help but bring out the not necessarily righteous parts of your personality. Like how you meet someone and instantly know they're a full-time professional victim, and no matter how hard you try, something takes over and you can't help needling them.

~ Richard Kadrey

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

~ Ryan Lilly

I bet she thought she was getting into a fight with a vanilla wafer on roller skates but little did she know she was getting into a fight with a spider sandwich.

~ Andrea Portes

Don't ignore me. I only get more annoying.

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

My favorite quote in the world is this one.

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

if anyone comes into my domain without explicit permission, I’m going to impale you in a way that will give you the very best idea of what it feels like to be a corn dog.

~ Dannika Dark

Today was the introduction, and introductions were important. The girl had to meet the boy in an equal setting – if they met any other way there’d always be a question about whether it was True Love or a more financially motivated desire that awakened the passions.

~ F.d. Lee

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

~ Josh Stern

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

~ Leonard Wibberley

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

~ Matshona Dhliwayo

It’s a vampire cabal and I’m feeling like the odd human out…or lunch.

~ Heather Mcvea

Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think about was shopping and jellybeans. Points to the monkey mind.

~ Anna White

I notice being noticed immediately – I’m a freeway goddess! In the past five minutes of gridlock, I have been checked out by a bald man in convertible Mustang, a cowboy in an F-150, and a body-builder in a Lincoln Navigator. Watch out road warriors! I don’t want to be responsible for any accidents. If only I had a car decal that advertised: Available – if you meet my eligibility criteria!

~ J.c. Patrick

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone.

~ J.c. Patrick

I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It’s not very late, but I don’t want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I’ve stopped looking as I walk past, but it’s difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment’s notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement.

~ J.c. Patrick

He stares at me, not saying a word. I stare right back, lost in his eyes and determined to get my point across. If he wants to have a staring contest, he’ll lose, hands down. I know a good thing when I see it.

~ J.c. Patrick

I could feel the spring in my step as I walked up one flight of stairs from the parking garage into the company’s lobby. Although I wore my old blue suit, a remnant of all my previous job interviews, I felt the day had new possibilities. After all, I was interviewing at a company that made something I loved – movies!

~ J.c. Patrick

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.

~ Georgette Heyer

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

~ Jane Dentinger

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

~ Erin Mitchell

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

~ Tyler Barton

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

~ Stephanie Bramson

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

~ Warren Moore

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

~ Tiffany Ferentini

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

~ Carolyn Drake

Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead. The President's Neighbor a comedy script by Brett Bacon.

~ Brett Bacon

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

~ Ifra Asad

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

~ Douglas Lewis

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

~ Stewart Lee Beck

When life gives you lemons, find a friend whose life has given them tequila and have a party.

~ Nefertiti Faraj

Life's a crapshoot, Sam. At least you filled the cheap seats.

~ Robert Bruce Cormack

It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?!

~ Martha Sweeney

A goatee is to beards what diamonds are to ornaments.

~ Pawan Mishra

Many a time, you may not even have to speak, however difficult the situation; your goatee speaks for you.

~ Pawan Mishra