Humorous Quotes

With sunglasses, a hat, and half a pack of Band-Aids, Roger could pass as a human.

~ Nadia Higgins

If we take the president of GM, they'll make us pay to give him back. (said by a kidnapper)

~ Owen Laukkanen

Zane wondered if Ty was a mama‟s boy. He tipped his head to the side, watching them as he picked out a piece of warm bread, and thought maybe so. Not that he would ever voice that opinion to Ty until he was good and ready to die.

~ Madeleine Urban

Seeing how I've held your penis in my hand, I think that puts you firmly in the not a stranger category.

~ Jessica Scott

A true Vor, Miles told himself severely, does not bury his face in his liegewoman's breasts and cry—even if he is at a convenient height for it.

~ Lois Mcmaster Bujold

She was thong-climbing-her-ass pissed.

~ Caris Roane

In Wilson's scale of evaluations breakfast rated just after life itself and ahead of the chance of immortality.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.

~ Regina Griffin

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker.

~ Regina Griffin

SHUT UP!...PADLE!

~ Ridley Pearson

The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)

~ Shawn Durnin

You learn to smile even in you liver?''Even in my lire, Ketut. Big smile in my liver.

~ Elizabeth Gilbert

You were listening at the door, Gigi!No, Grandmamma.Yes, you had your ear to the keyhole. You must never listen at key-holes. You don't hear properly and so you get things all wrong.

~ Colette

Webster said, ''Time them skeeters get done with that old man, his French blood will be all gone and he will speak American as good as we do.

~ Peter Matthiessen

He said that it was very difficult to become an astronaut. I said that I knew. You had to become an officer in the air force and you had to take lots of orders and be prepared to kill other human beings, and I couldn't take orders. Also I didn't have 20/20 vision, which you needed to be a pilot.

~ Mark Haddon

Well, looks like you won't be reaching nirvana anytime soon.She pushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead and sniffed. Yes, I suppose that's true. I guess I'll just have to settle for a trip to Idaho.

~ Beth Hoffman

One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear anymore. Along with 'tramp,' it's been replaced by 'homeless person,' which isn't the same thing. Unlike someone who was evicted or lost his house in a fire, the hobo roughed it by choice. Being at liberty, unencumbered by bills and mortgages, better suited his drinking schedule, and so he found shelter wherever he could, never a bum, but something much less threatening, a figure of merriment, almost.

~ David Sedaris

It seems - and who so astonished as they? - that they had held back material facts; that they were guilty of both suppressio veri and suggestio falsi (well-known gods against whom they often offended); further, that they were malignant in their dispositions, untrustworthy in their characters, pernicious and revolutionary in their influences, abandoned to the devils of wilfulness, pride, and a most intolerable conceit. Ninthly, and lastly, they were to have a care and to be very careful.

~ Rudyard Kipling

Don't that make your bosom plim?

~ Thomas Hardy

You came up this gut-wrenching road yesterday by yourself? Cassie exclaimed. You deserve a good cuffing just for driving this goat path on your own.It's not so bad once you get used to dodging the ruts.You've got some nerve calling these canyons ruts.Cassandra Hudson, where is your sense of adventure?I dropped it off going over that last rut-crossing when only two wheels were on the ground.Those ones are a bit exhilarating, aren't they? Alexandra shot Cassie a quick look and wink. Keep your eyes on the road!What road?Exactly!

~ H.h. Laura

Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

~ Janet Evanovich

Cayl replies...I understand the human reproductive system, Agent Denning; I’m here to capture a killer, not indulge in these intrusive human senses.

~ Tielle St. Clare

Sell your book like a can of beans & your readers will place the same value on it.

~ Stuart Aken

You know what I could use? A thrill.

~ Jim Moorman

(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.

~ Terry Pratchett

The beauty of the ultrasound scan is something that only parents can appreciate, but Emma had seen these things before and knew what was required of her. ‘Beautiful,’ she sighed, though in truth it could have been a Polaroid of the inside of his pocket.

~ David Nicholls

Poisons are more my thing

~ Kate Morton

Every week seems to bring another luxuriantly creamy envelope, the thickness of a letter-bomb, containing a complex invitation – a triumph of paper engineering – and a comprehensive dossier of phone numbers, email addresses, websites, how to get there, what to wear, where to buy the gifts. Country house hotels are being block-booked, great schools of salmon are being poached, vast marquees are appearing overnight like Bedouin tent cities. Silky grey morning suits and top hats are being hired and worn with an absolutely straight face, and the times are heady and golden for florists and caterers, string quartets and Ceilidh callers, ice sculptors and the makers of disposable cameras. Decent Motown cover-bands are limp with exhaustion. Churches are back in fashion, and these days the happy couple are travelling the short distance from the place of worship to the reception on open-topped London buses, in hot-air balloons, on the backs of matching white stallions, in micro-lite planes. A wedding requires immense reserves of love and commitment and time off work, not least from the guests. Confetti costs eight pounds a box. A bag of rice from the corner shop just won’t cut it anymore.

~ David Nicholls

He was staring hard, not at his wife and me but at his daughter watching us. In his cold pupil, in the firm twist of his lips, was reflected Madame Miyagi's orgasm reflected in her daughter's gaze.

~ Italo Calvino

Her Majesty to the theatre. The performance took place on a stage erected in the courtyard, and Her Majesty closed in one part of her veranda for the use of the guests and Court ladies. During the performance I began to feel very drowsy, and eventually fell fast asleep leaning against one of the pillars. I awoke rather suddenly to find that something had been dropped into my mouth, but on investigation I found it was nothing worse than a piece of candy, which I immediately proceeded to eat. On approaching Her Majesty, she asked me how I had enjoyed the candy, and told me not to sleep, but to have a good time like the rest. I never saw Her Majesty in better humor. She played with us just like a young girl, and one could hardly recognize in her the severe Empress Dowager we knew her to be.

~ Der Ling

By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave Maria'.

~ Stephen King

[Like they say,] small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

~ Dave Courtney

A word to the wise an't nesisary its the stupid ones who need the edvise.

~ Eliga H. Gould

Sorry about your bad luck.

~ David Perry

You’ll be dethroned faster than a coke snorting beauty queen.

~ Eric Luper

Possession of the box conferred a kind of power on the wielder--which was that anyone, confronted with the hypnotic glass eye, would submissively obey the most peremptory orders about stance and expression.

~ Terry Pratchett

...he spent whole days and nights over his books, and thus with little sleeping and much reading his brains dried up to such a degree that he lost the use of his reason.

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

He'd never asked for an exciting life. What he really liked, what he sought on every occasion, was boredom. The trouble was that boredom tended to explode in your face. Just when he thought he'd found it he'd be suddenly involved in what he supposed other people - thoughtless, feckless people - would call an adventure. And he'd be forced to visit many strange lands and meet exotic and colourful people, although not for very long because usually he'd be running. He'd seen the creation of the universe, although not from a good seat, and had visited Hell and the afterlife. He'd been captured, imprisoned, rescued, lost and marooned. Sometimes it had all happened on the same day.

~ Terry Pratchett

The news that Daisy Miller was surrounded by half a dozen wonderful mustaches checked Winterbourne's impulse to go straightway to see her.

~ Henry James

wear flannel next to your skin, and never believe in eternal punishment.

~ Julian Barnes