Funny Quotes Quotes

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

~ Olivia Cunning

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco

~ Maria V. Snyder

Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out here.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

it’s funny how I’m encouraged to go to school so much, but I’ve learned more valuable things on google then from school.

~ James Jean-Pierre

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you as I do all - not at all.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Eat clean to stay fit, have a burger to stay sane.

~ Gigi Hadid

It's been nice knowing you, Clara.'Huh? My brain still a bit shell-shocked.'Say a prayer for me, will you? He gives me a shaky grin. Because I'm pretty sure my parents are going to kill me

~ Cynthia Hand

Excellent,” said Lupin, looking up as Tonks and Harry entered. “We’ve got about a minute, I think. We should probably get out into the garden so we’re ready. Harry, I’ve left a letter telling your aunt and uncle not to worry —” “They won’t,” said Harry. “That you’re safe —” “That’ll just depress them.” “— and you’ll see them next summer.” “Do I have to?

~ J.k. Rowling

What the heck kind of name was Sir?

~ Cherise Sinclair

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

~ Robert Brault

Well, then, Otter, of course I don’t like Bundt cake. It has eggs in it. Baby chicken eggs. You don’t see chickens standing outside of maternity wards waiting to get our babies to make their Bundt cake, do you?

~ T.j. Klune

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves.

~ Claire Chilton

If you want breakfast in bed, you have to concider sleeping in the kitchen>

~ Foster Raul Mkhabele

Hey! When he dug into it, rifling through her things, she snapped, Go Yoda someone else's supplies, asshole.

~ Kresley Cole

Lindsay calls them the Pugs: pretty from far away, ugly up close.

~ Lauren Oliver

Who says you only get one? If you're lucky, you will meet The One, The Two, The Three.....and so on.Nesta

~ Cathy Hopkins

Oh my, you big stud, your dancing boobs have enchanted me with your hypnotic sexual magnitudeness.

~ Kyle Adams

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

~ Lance Manion

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

~ Regina Griffin

Shit down your computer, and restart.

~ Claire Chilton

Around about now, young John Owen comes out of the shack lugging my old musket from the War. At six years of age, our youngest boy already knew his business. Not a word, just brings the shooting iron somewhat closer so's he don't waste powder, then hoists her up, set to haul back on the trigger. I believe his plan was to shoot this feller, get the story later.

~ Peter Matthiessen

I curse when I get really upset. Letting off steam that way makes me feel a little bit better. I've been through a lot, but I have never had the urge to go postal. I thank fuck for that.

~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Can we at least avoid the cannibals? I prefer not to vomit when screaming for my life.

~ Emory R. Frie

How ’bout you take this Cajun injector here,” I say, gripping the steel rod in his shorts, “and give me a shot of protein instead.

~ Heather M. Orgeron

I love your hairless chest.” She nuzzled his pecs. “So smooth and sculpted. Like a marble manslut statue.

~ Nicole Archer

By studying human history, we can realize how much of human stupidity has fallen on fertile ground. Is gravity guilty for such an occurrence too?

~ Eraldo Banovac

The Captain’s boat inspections were always pretty slapdash, because they mainly just involved him looking at the ropes and planks and barnacles and then nodding to show that he approved of whatever they happened to be doing.

~ Gideon Defoe

I fear it is the end for us,’ wailed Marx as the bears inched closer. ‘Is this the way you saw yourself going. Pirate Captain:‘In fact,’ said the Captain grumpily, ‘it’s pretty much the exact situation I usually try to cheer myself up with when I’m in a bit of a fix. “At least you’re not about to be eaten by bears and/or fall into a replica volcano,” I tell myself. So now I’ve got to come up with an even worse scenario, which is a nuisance.

~ Gideon Defoe

In his time the Pirate Captain had made a number of dramatic entrances of his own – not always intentional it had to be said, as quite often they were the result of him accidentally setting himself on fire – but even he had to admit that Cutlass Liz’s dramatic entrance set an extremely high dramatic-entrance standard.

~ Gideon Defoe

It’s not really my fault. The problem is that my mouth just comes out with these things. And you can’t blame me for what my mouth does, can you? Curse this mouth. Do you think it might be possessed?'The Pirate Captain looked in the mirror and made his mouth into a series of shapes he thought looked demonic.

~ Gideon Defoe

The Captain was wearing his best blousey shirt, his beard was gleaming in the early morning light and he’d polished all his gold teeth. As he strode manfully towards the shore, the only thing that could have make him look even more heroic that he already did would have been the theme to Flash Gordon playing in the background, but it was a hundred and seventy years too early for that.

~ Gideon Defoe

If I had to pick another career, I'd be an optometrist for potatoes. That's where the money is.

~ Peter Wisan

I got this delicious bottle of perfume called Fabreze

~ Chris Colfer

Everybody clapped enthusiastically and Dr. Marx popped up from behind the podium, where he had been hiding all along. He was the hairiest man the pirates had ever seen. Several of the crew were actually worried for a moment that the Seaweed That Walked Like a Man had returned from one of their previous adventures to ambush them. His nose was hairy. His forehead was hairy. Even his hands were hairy. And his beard was a great bushy black number, which looked like he had sellotaped a bunch of cats to the bottom of his face and then frightened them with a loud noise.

~ Gideon Defoe

When I was dating, my girlfriends and I used to say, ‘Don’t cry in front of him before date three.’ ”“Cry?” I echoed, frowning.“Yeah. Guys gets skittish when you cry.”“I don’t think I have to worry about that one.”“You don’t cry?”“I don’t make it to date three.

~ Kasie West

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands.

~ K.r. Grace

If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, Did you mean George Morgan? It simply replied, Run while you still have the chance.

~ Tara Sivec

Now I am shut up with his mother on Bramble farm and she is no better for conversation than prune whip

~ Sandra Dallas