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Funny Quotes

Funny quote from classy quote

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

~ Stephen Chbosky

Stephen Chbosky Friday Funny Reading Television

Daemon! Dee called from the kitchen. I need your help!We should go see what she's doing before she destroys your kitchen. He rubbed his hands down his face. It's possible.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Jennifer L. Armentrout Daemon Dee Disaster Funny Katy

What are you -Mac I don't follow -Jericho You dropped 30 feet in that warehouse. You should have broken something. What are you? -Mac A man with a rope. -Jericho

~ Karen Marie Moning

Karen Marie Moning Funny

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

~ William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare Funny Henry Iv Shakespeare

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

~ Lilian Jackson Braun

Lilian Jackson Braun Cats Dogs Funny

I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Susan Elizabeth Phillips Cute Funny

Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Bones Cat Funny Timmy

Did those nice church ladies come by again? He nodded. I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.

~ Ilona Andrews

Ilona Andrews Andrea Ascanio Awesome Church Funny Hilarious Kate Daniels Threesome

I sneaked out to his house a couple times in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept, just in case, I don't know, his comic book collection decided to spontaneously combust. This was dumb and admittedly creepy in an Edward Cullen kind of way.

~ Cynthia Hand

Cynthia Hand Funny Stalker Twilight

I don't like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I've never heard a phone ring before and I don't know what's supposed to happen next. Hello?

~ Rainbow Rowell

Rainbow Rowell Funny Phone Calls Young Adult

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Funny Morganville Vampires Shane Collins

I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Laurie Halse Anderson Funny

Interviewer: So. Tell me about your mother.Ezra: You're taping this, right?Interviewer: Audio only. Camera is faulty.Ezra: Okay, well for the benefit of the sight-impaired, I am now raising my… oh, dear… yes, it's my MIDDLE finger at Mr. Postgrad here.Interviewer: Mr. Mason...Ezra: Now I'm wiggling it.Interviewer: Terminating interview at 13:58 on 03/19/75.Ezra: Look at it wiggl--audio ends-

~ Amie Kaufman

Amie Kaufman Funny Lol

What do you think Dimitri? Is this a good idea, Dimitri? Please give us your blessing so that we can fall down and worship you, Dimitri.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Adrian Ivashkov Funny

One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock...

~ Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp Advice Bullies Funny Johnny Depp Mom

She blinked. Hmm? Oh, don't care. What did Anubis look like to you?What did... he looked like a guy. So?A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?I guess... Not the dog-headed guy.I knew it! Sadie pointed at me as if she'd won an argument.Good-looking. I knew it!And with a ridiculous grin, she spun around and skipped into the house. My sister, as I may have mentioned, is a little strange.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Funny Strange The Red Pyramid

Don't look now, but that's my ex over there.Surely I'm not the only one who takes don't look now as there's no better time than now. I looked.Bad, Ali! Another slap to my arm. Bad, bad, bad Ali! Have you no self control?

~ Gena Showalter

Gena Showalter Alice Ex Funny Rabbit

[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

~ William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare Funny Henry V Shakespeare

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

~ Darynda Jones

Darynda Jones Funny Humour

How very wet this water is.

~ L. Frank Baum

L. Frank Baum Funny Logic Obvious

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

~ Flannery O'connor

Flannery O'connor Funny Parkers Back

Screw this. He’d blown his shot at nice-and-easy, which only left quick-and-brutal—my favorite way to play.

~ Rachel Vincent

Rachel Vincent Funny

Simon! Clary shouted, and seized his arm. What? Simon looked alarmed.I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age.

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Clary Fray Funny Mortal Instruments Simon Lewis

You will not pass!” Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf.

~ Ilona Andrews

Ilona Andrews Andrea Nash Funny Gandalf Gunmetal Magic Ilona Andrews Lotr Roman Snarkiness

I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here.” I pointed angrily to my neck. “Can I not have him committed or something?”Dr. Pritchard snorted. “For loving you?”I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. “Dr. Pritchard,” I admonished softly. “Whose side are you on?”“Braden’s.

~ Samantha Young

Samantha Young Funny

Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Frostbite Funny Richelle Mead Rose

Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. “Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me.

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Funny Morganville Vampires Shane Collins

I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.

~ Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga Epic Funny Gaga Germanotta Hilarious Interview Lady Lady Gaga Love Game Music Stefani Video

Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.

~ Rachel Vincent

Rachel Vincent Funny

I must have killed a lot of cows in a past life for Karma to hate me this much.

~ Katie Mcgarry

Katie Mcgarry Echo Emerson Funny Karma Katie Mcgarry Pushing The Limits

A pause followed my greeting. Then “We’re watching you ” whispered the voice on the other end.“Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? ”Silence. Then dial tone.These younger demons. So easily discouraged.

~ Josh Lanyon

Josh Lanyon Adrien English Funny Witty

The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Funny Meaning Of Life

Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Frostbite Funny Richelle Mead Rose

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

~ Ellen Degeneres

Ellen Degeneres Ellen Funny Indeed Wonder

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

~ Eoin Colfer

Eoin Colfer Funny Humour

Anthony Bridgerton leaned back in his leather chair,and then announced, I'm thinking about getting married.Benedict Bridgerton, who had been indulging in a habit his mother detested—tipping his chair drunkenly on the back two legs—fell over.Colin Bridgerton started to choke.Luckily for Colin, Benedict regained his seat with enough time to smack him soundly on the back, sending a green olive sailing across the table.It narrowly missed Anthony's ear.

~ Julia Quinn

Julia Quinn Bridgerton Funny

When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!

~ Louis Tomlinson

Louis Tomlinson 1D Dare Dream Forever Funny Louis Tomlinson One Direction Pretty Smile To

St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer. It's a freaking soap opera.

~ Stephanie Perkins

Stephanie Perkins Anna And The French Kiss Funny Isla

Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Funny I Just Lost It Omg Leo

The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

~ Frederic Brown

Frederic Brown Funny Horror
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