Funny Quotes

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

~ George Bernard Shaw

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

~ George Carlin

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

~ Criss Jami

Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.No!If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.

~ Moira Young

If you're trapped in the dream of the Other, you're fucked.

~ Gilles Deleuze

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Are you a female dog?What? Massie asked. Why?

~ Lisi Harrison

I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.“Ow!”“Taste the rainbow bitch.

~ Michelle Hodkin

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

~ George Carlin

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

~ Gena Showalter

I have to return some videotapes

~ Bret Easton Ellis

Haven't you ever heard of the saying, If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed

~ Hiromu Arakawa

I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

~ Tina Fey

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

Leo,” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel,” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither,” Leo admitted.

~ Rick Riordan

Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter? Julian was saying as Emma approached. I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.

~ Cassandra Clare

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

~ Darynda Jones

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--

~ Rachel Hawkins

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

~ Will Rogers

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

~ Sam Levenson

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.''Share!' she demanded.'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.''Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?''Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.''They're brisket tacos.''Now you're talking.

~ Rachel Caine

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

~ H.l. Mencken

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

~ Peter S. Beagle

Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, He threw me out the window!Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: You're already dead!

~ Maggie Stiefvater

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

~ Demetri Martin

You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working. Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons! Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. I mean it!

~ Rachel Caine

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right? Like what?Like hitting on you.Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way. Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.What? You think he does?Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?Not enough coffee.

~ Rachel Caine

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

~ Will Rogers

Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?” To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.

~ Kresley Cole

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

~ John Callahan

Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane

~ J.r. Ward

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

~ Lili St. Crow

He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.

~ Michelle Obama

You okay?Fine.Your heart's beating really fast.Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it.He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff.Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.You sound like Shane.Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.Liar.

~ Rachel Caine

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better.Define BETTER with that guy.Not all fangs and raaaaar.

~ Rachel Caine

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

~ Steve Martin

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

~ Rachel Caine