Funny Quotes

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

~ Julia Quinn

What is your advice to young writers?” “Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.

~ Charles Bukowski

I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.

~ Andy Weir

Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

~ Cynthia Hand

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

~ Chelsea Handler

There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children, it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.

~ Criss Jami

Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.

~ Lemony Snicket

Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. I doubt you have the capacity.

~ Rachel Caine

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

~ Bauvard

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

~ P.c. Cast

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

~ Bauvard

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.

~ Patsy Clairmont

Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.

~ Rachel Caine

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

~ Ilona Andrews

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.

~ Moira Young

How are you feeling?I leaned away from him. Gross.Aiden frowned. Gross?I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me.He laughed. Alex, come on.Seriously, I'm gross. I put my hand over my mouth.Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. You're as beautiful as always, Alex.I stared at him. He must not get out much.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot.

~ Kami Garcia

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

~ Criss Jami

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

~ George Carlin

Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!

~ Pittacus Lore

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, How to Build a Boat.

~ Stephen Wright

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

~ Bauvard

I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.

~ Dan Howell

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.

~ Anonymous

Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.

~ Rachel Caine

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

~ Shelly Laurenston

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

~ Michelle Hodkin

The wolf said, You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone. Red Riding Hood said, I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.

~ James Finn Garner

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

~ Larissa Ione

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

~ Erma Bombeck

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!

~ Julie Halpern

How'd you get to be so good at this?I had a good teacher.Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.I mean you, dummy.Oh.

~ Rachel Caine

Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business

~ Gregory David Roberts

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

~ Chelsea Handler

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

~ Jim Butcher

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

~ Sophie Kinsella

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

~ Shannon L. Alder