Funny Quotes

And they certainly wouldn’t take you along to a murder. That would be irresponsible parenting.

~ Kelley Armstrong

I needed something else, some kind of juice.He gave me a hooked-eyebrow glance and took a showy swig of the water. Mmm, he said, smacking his lips. Water-juice. It's fantastic.

~ Norman Ollestad

He was a bad, bad bastard. He abused the privilege of being a cunt, as my old Da would say.’ I smiled, picturing the cozy fireside scene of young son on father’s knee being inducted into the world of abusive epithets.

~ Craig Russell

...Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex.This proceeded to lead up on a long tangent where I had to have him explain to me how he knows about stuff like people getting spanked during sex. H said he might have heard it mentioned while watching MSNBC. I told him he was grounded from watching the news channels for a week. That's where this whole sidebar should have ended, but then I was forced to explain S & M and bondage to my little brother, who was persistent on the topic, and who kept staring at me with mounting horror when I finally /did/ explain, and I realized I had maybe gone too far, and we had to spend the next five minutes swearing to God that I had never nor would I ever attempt to do anything like that. He might now be the only nine-year-old who has heard the terms cock ring and fisting. My parenting skills are unparalleled.

~ T.j. Klune

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.

~ Jim Gaffigan

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex.

~ Spuds Crawford

Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)

~ P.j. O'rourke

Ala! Echo sprang to her feet, legs tangled in the sheets. The Ala was here. The Ala had brought food. The Ala was a goddess

~ Melissa Grey

I love Pizza thicker, when the crust is thinner!

~ Jasleen Kaur Gumber

When in doubt, know your way out, I always say.I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'Well, yeah, that

~ Kevin Hearne

What?Nothing. He laughed.You were really hungry.I don't need to defend my eating to anyone.And just so you know,when I'm done with this,I plan to eat three whole cookies.Whoa. He held up his hands.Now you're pulling out the big guns.I don't mess around.

~ Tristi Pinkston

It’s delicious like my favorite treat! It’s definitely good to eat!

~ Nor Sanavongsay

The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback.

~ Nicholson Baker

These are the best things I've ever had in my mouth!

~ Mora Early

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

~ Neil Gaiman

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

~ Sierra Dean

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

There you are. A simple commandment. Not ten of them, just one: 'Thou shalt not eat.' (Personally, I wish the very first edict from God hadn't involved dieting, don't you?)

~ Liz Curtis Higgs

What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.

~ Kenny D. Eichenberg

Words were his delight; Hers, a gay gracefulnessOf dancing and moving. But when to the place Of deep loving (Starlight at midnight)At last they came, Their full communion And consummation,Their complete sphere,Was stillness for her,Silence for him.

~ Theodore Spencer

Do you think they're going to buy that a guy in tacky leather chaps dances like this? I scoffed when he twirled me back into his emb

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

If I asked you to do something for me, I don't suppose you'd listen? When he had my attention, he continued, I'm going to take you home. Try to forget tonight happened. Try to act normal, especially around Hank. Don't mention my name.By way of an answer, I shot him a black look and swung out of the Tahoe. He followed suit, coming around to my side. What kind of answer is that? He asked, but his voice wasn't nearly so gruff.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

~ M.j. Mcguire

We know that there are many animals on this continent not found in the Old World. These must have been carried from here to the ark, and then brought back afterwards. Were the peccary, armadillo, ant-eater, sloth, agouti, vampire-bat, marmoset, howling and prehensile-tailed monkey, the raccoon and muskrat carried by the angels from America to Asia? How did they get there? Did the polar bear leave his field of ice and journey toward the tropics? How did he know where the ark was? Did the kangaroo swim or jump from Australia to Asia? Did the giraffe, hippopotamus, antelope and orang-outang journey from Africa in search of the ark? Can absurdities go farther than this?

~ Robert G. Ingersoll

It wasn't love at first sight. They ran into each other one morning in a sunny clearing in the forest. A few moments of stunned silence. `Glockenspiel,' Adam pronounced, thinking (but with terrible doubt) he'd found another animal in search of a name. When Eve approached him, proffering a handful of elderberries, he threw a stick at her and ran away.

~ Glen Duncan

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.

~ Nicole Mckay

You’re probably wondering: why were Medusa’s kids a golden warrior and a winged horse? And how had they been stuck in Medusa’s body all those years?Heck, I dunno. I’m just telling you how it was. You want stuff to make sense, you’re in the wrong universe

~ Rick Riordan

The universe had no choice but to create intelligent life so that there would be someone else that could simply laugh at how unbelievably, ridiculously and senselessly huge the universe is and how utterly insignificant the rest of us are.

~ Ian Strang

Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, 'I'm not being fed,' he replies, 'I'm prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself.

~ Jon Acuff

Beneath the people we think we are, there are funnier, happier, livelier people that we keep ignoring.

~ Rebecca Murphy

And we love you but I have to ask you to help me, to help us, please.”“How?” I asked, “By pretending nothing ever happened? Act as if she and I were strangers? Stand the way your sister acts towards me after all of what we had? Forget my story by her side? Are you asking me for that, Gabriel, for God’s sake?”“It sounds pretty bad when you put it like that…” Gabriel said, “but yes, pretty much.

~ Emiliano Campuzano

One of the Christian's biggest fears is appearing 'too Christian'. God forbid, because that's often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being 'one of them'.

~ Criss Jami

Love it when a compelling new character kicks open your mental door, tracks mud across your brain, and props their feet up on your cerebrum.

~ Don Roff

...I was shocked and astonished when a daring little girl -- a cousin I think -- having waited under a group of trees in the avenue, where she knew [my grandfather] would pass near four o'clock on the way to his dinner, said to him, 'If I were you and you were a little girl, I would give you a doll.

~ W.b. Yeats

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in.

~ Dannika Dark

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

~ Bauvard

When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person makes it obvious that the first will never fulfill you, unless the second person did not fulfill you either. At this point, you have to choose the third person because God is getting a little tired of your inattention and indecisiveness, and is planning on sending a fourth person into your life just to slap you around with the bible for not entering the promised land.

~ Shannon L. Alder

The choices that women make sometimes seems provoking and at the same time amusing. I once met a lady who said she liked my amusing facial expression.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Offstage, I couldn't put things into words, and that was the one thing I'd always been able to rely on. Putting my feelings into words and praying they wouldn't be able to get out again.

~ Carrie Fisher