Humor Quotes

Halved. That was every time. My laughter was for idiots, for their unjustifiable idiocy and for myself for an unrelenting conviction to them, for that unforgivable instance I leveled myself to them. At that awkward realization knowing I precisely was an idiot too, that was the time when I really began to laugh.

~ Jay Mark D. Saga-Ad

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

~ Roy Orbison

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like the locals to be rejected as one of their own.

~ Sol Luckman

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

~ Josh Stern

You both talk too much,” the kid says. “Shut up. Don’t make me tell you again.”We shut up, which I find hysterically funny.

~ Karen Marie Moning

Am I afraid of ghosts? My life experience has taught me to be much more afraid of what a human is capable of in broad daylight than what a ghost is capable of at night.

~ Steve Maraboli

To insult someone we call him 'bestial'. For deliberate cruelty and nature, 'human' might be the greater insult.

~ Isaac Asimov

He reached up t0 grab one and came down with several, and they kept coming, washing over him, floating all around him. Never have tampon strings seemed so beautiful as they rolled up and down with the wind, landing on the ground and then twirling and floating up again, falling and rising and falling and rising.

~ John Green

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

~ Jerry Seinfeld

Before there was an American Story, before Paterson spread before Oscar and Lola like a dream, or the trumpets from the Island of our eviction had even sounded, there was their mother, Hypatia Belicia Cabral: a girl so tall your leg bones ached just looking at her, so dark it was as if the Creatrix had, in her making, blinked.

~ Junot Díaz

Izzy. Sweet, beautiful, but eternally strange Izzy.

~ G.a. Aiken

What’s that around your neck?” asked Emily. “It’s a golden star.” Said Reed.“What did you get it for?”“Chemistry class.”“What’s the star for?” the shadow asked, Usually stars represent a straight A student. “You get it for having greatness. But Emily doesn’t know what that is.” He said, answering the shadows question and looking at Emily. “Greatness, what’s greatness?” Emily asked, all wide eyed, and clueless looking“It’s when you do really awesome stuff, and people recognize you for it.”“Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.

~ Rumi Antoinette

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

~ Bauvard

Honesty is always good, except when it's better to lie.

~ James Patterson

You should spend more time reading the Good Book and less reading all those novels. What are you going to tell the Lord on Judgement Day when He asks you why you didn't read your bible?

~ Jennifer Donnelly

I got over shy a really long time ago. I'm queer, I'm feline, get used to it.

~ Andrea Speed

Honesty: what a refreshing slap in the face it is.

~ T.m. Brenner

I'm fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don't really care.

~ Briana Blair

Sure, I liked girls but I was always too terrified to speak to them unless we were arguing or I was calling them stupidos, which was one of my favorite words that year.

~ Junot Díaz

As far as I know, I'm the most honest person I’ve met in this life.

~ Pat R

The truth is like sunlight: It causes cancer.

~ J. Richard Singleton

People seem to overlook an old man losing his mind if he occasionally made light of it.

~ Marissa Meyer

The day my mother gave us the keys, she also made me and Greta sign a form so that the bank knew our signatures. To get in we had to show our key and sign something so they would know it was really us. I was worried that my signature wouldn't look the same. I wasn't sure when that thing would happen that made it so you always signed your name exactly the same, but it hadn't happened to me yet. So far I'd only had to sign something three times. Once for a code of conduct for the eighth grade field trip to Philadelphia, once for a pact I made with Beans and Frances Wykoski in fifth grade that we'd never have boyfriends until high school. (Of the three of us, I'm the only one who kept that pact.)

~ Carol Rifka Brunt

Between video games and texting, how do our youth find the time to know everything?

~ L.m. Fields

Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.

~ George Saunders

Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have died a horrible death with a really surprised look on his face.

~ Lisa Shearin

On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance.

~ Terry Pratchett

Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.

~ Nenia Campbell

When you are being judged by someone that has no idea who you are always remember this: Dogs always bark at strangers and usually there is always some wacko neighbor that wants to try out their new gun on an intruder.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

~ Josh Stern

We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

~ Russell Brand

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

~ Josh Stern

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.

~ Philip Plait

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

~ Bill Maher

I’m now ‘Doctor’ to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.

~ Howard Florey

I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

~ Bill Maher

On the other hand, when you grow up you will discover that some of the people in this world never passed beyond the stage of the cave-man.

~ Hendrik Willem Van Loon

Ignorance is not linear, it's exponential.

~ Spuds Crawford

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

~ Neil Gaiman

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

~ Phyllis Diller