Humour Quotes

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.

~ Mark Twain

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

~ Eoin Colfer

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

~ Darynda Jones

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

~ Brett Tate

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

~ Samuel Johnson

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

~ David Frost

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

~ Darynda Jones

1. You left a multipack of Mars Bars on top of your wardrobe. Can I have one? Dad x2. I had three. Hope that's OK. Dad x3. I'm just going to have one more. Dad x4. Harriet, your Dad's made himself sick on an entire multipack of Mars Bars again. Please don't leave sweets where we can find them. A x

~ Holly Smale

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

~ Honoré De Balzac

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

I shot him a look. That bouncer was really big.His lips quirked. Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.What?The grin spread. I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know. he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. I have to go.You just got here.Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.You're making that up.I'm not.So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

~ Rick Riordan

Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”“Oh, please.”“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”“I don’t think so.”“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”“I’m out of here.

~ Jennifer Crusie

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

~ Libba Bray

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

~ Fran Lebowitz

You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.

~ Maryjanice Davidson

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

~ Noel Gallagher

You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.

~ #Name?

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each

~ Simone Elkeles

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

~ Doug Macleod

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

~ J.a. Saare

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

~ J.a. Saare

I'm a whore!Miki hit the brakes...her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. You're not wearing any underwear, are you?Sara let out a strangled squeal...

~ Shelly Laurenston

I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

~ Hannah Harrington

That's your solution? Have a cookie?

~ Michael Grant

I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kitchen.

~ Cassandra Clare

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

~ Darynda Jones

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

~ James Hetfield

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

~ Molly Harper

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

~ Charles Dickens

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.

~ Brett Tate

It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.

~ Charlie Brooker

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

~ Roman Payne

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

~ Charlotte Perkins Gilman

The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge f

~ Tara Janzen

If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

~ Rick Riordan

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

~ Rick Riordan

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

~ Libba Bray

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

~ Roman Payne