Humour Quotes

Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent. Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.

~ Richard Paul Evans

What the hell am I doing...? Escape holding myself as a hostage...? I won't be able to make it like that...

~ Tsugumi Ohba

He's all right. His hair is cute.Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. Oh my God, you're in love.I'm not in love.'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call. I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank.Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you! Will you simmer. I certainly am not.

~ Maryjanice Davidson

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.

~ Maryjanice Davidson

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.

~ Rick Riordan

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

~ Rodney Dangerfield

I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.

~ Catherine Gilbert Murdock

I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. How's it hanging? Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez!

~ Barry Lyga

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

~ Keisha Keenleyside

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

~ Neil Degrasse Tyson

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

~ Hannah Harrington

The brain can be a dangerous thing. Even more so if you haven't got one.

~ Dave Courtney

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.

~ Brett Tate

How are we going to get out of here?Oh, escape is easy once you have the right

~ Derek Landy

What happened? he asked brusquely, interrupting me. What do you mean, what happened?I sensed your fear, heard you call out my

~ Kristi Cook

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.

~ Anna White

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

~ Terry Pratchett

101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies and not be called sexist. If a man indulges in this behavior over a picture of naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind.

~ Summersdale Publishers

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

~ Doug Macleod

This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.

~ Penny Reid

Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I’m a firm believer in equality at all times

~ Cherise Sinclair

But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat.

~ Terry Pratchett

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

~ Aravind Adiga

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.

~ Eric Idle

It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat's been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a white sneeze. The teeth are jagged and out of alignment, having opened quarts at Jiffy Quick Lube for half a decade.

~ Brett Tate

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud

~ Annoying Orange

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Ah college years, those were the days. Pure freedom ... leaving home for the first time…the parties…”What about the tutorials, the lectures, the large building with all the books called the ‘library’?”“Is that what those were?” Gerry blithely replied.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

... there was one new metallic monstrosity stacked in one corner that she hadn’t seen the last time she was a visitor to his strange chamber, it appeared to be a mass of hard drives all fused together, but they looked too sophisticated to be merely hard drives.“What on earth is that?” “That’s my Kung Fu,” he said proudly, patting the top of the futuristic-looking stack.“Is that what you wanted to show me?”“No, but it’s impressive, isn’t it?”“If you say so.”Steves sighed and shook his head, so few people could appreciate the intellectual complexity of an almost untraceable hacking device.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

...Come on let’s see the degree.” Katherine unrolled her scroll displaying a long declaration in Latin affixed with a red seal proclaiming her a Master of Art. “Imagine working for years to obtain a piece of paper we can hardly read ” Katherine joked. “And to officially declare you have talent ” Suzy returned.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning.Wait, what? My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to wrap around that one. How the hell had that happened? So basically I was filled with 1.21 jiggawatts?Can I travel through time now?

~ Elizabeth Sharp

Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.

~ Mitch Albom

Last time I saw her, she was peeking out from one of the bookcases next to the fireplace. She's the first cat I've ever seen trying to pretend she's a condensed version of War and Peace.

~ Ellen Hart

In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room and fainting.

~ Reductress

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

~ Joyce Rachelle