Humour Quotes

Matt shrugged. It was a good shrug, too. All it was missing was a beret, a stripy shirt and a Gauloise cigarette.

~ D.c. Farmer

- Surely you have considered terrorist activity?There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere, Yes, I suppose we must. All we need to do is find some terrorists who are capable of taking an entire nuclear reactor out of its can while it's running and without anyone noticing. It weighs about a thousand tons and is forty feet high. So they'll be quite strong terrorists. Perhaps you'd like to ring them up, sir, and ask them questions in that supercilious, accusatory way of yours.-- The BBC interviews a nuclear spokesperson (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

~ Terry Pratchett

He continued to attack the gate. His arm started to ache. The hammer was designed for neither brute nor force. Are you all right up there? asked Eleanor. Want me to go see if I can find a small child to give you a lift? Maybe if we swapped positions and you condescended at the gate, we'd get through faster?

~ Gary Meehan

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.''That's just fantasy,' said Twoflower.'I know. That's the trouble.' Rincewind sighed again.

~ Terry Pratchett

In an ideal world, he’d simply scrape the surface of his bottomless courage, carelessly slip off his horse, scratch his massive balls, and then stroll over to the Lair in his own good time. But this wasn’t an ideal world, Rawley’s courage reservoir was barely a puddle, and at that particular moment he had precious little below the belt worth scratching!

~ Aaron D'este

Mick reached backwards without breaking eye contact and ran his hand across the door behind him, “See this?” he said. “This is my door. And no-one is touching my door today.” He shook his head slowly as if the issue wasn’t even up for debate.Surle said nothing, just stared.Mick swung his sword lazily, pointing towards the floor between himself and the infamous Marshal, “See this floor here? This floor is my porch,” he said. “And no-one is welcome on my porch today, especially you.”Still nothing from Surle, just silence.“So why don’t you just sod off like a good little lackey?

~ Aaron D'este

Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!!

~ Aaron D'este

It wasn’t like that at all!” argued the Sleuth, looking around for support. “It was a heroic, selfless act of spectacular bravery! I should be worshipped like a god! Immortalised in song!” He struck a dramatic pose, “One man, alone and outnumbered, sacrificed himself for the greater good…”“Immortalised in song, eh?” chuckled Mick. “How about ‘ridiculed in nursery rhymes’?

~ Aaron D'este

Ready? Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand.How about we start with a chase? Try to touch the far wall and get back here before I cripple you. He smiled as if he'd said 'tag you', not 'cripple you'.

~ Dylan Perry

I've done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you'd be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more morally questionable episodes. He paused to recall a recent rewrite. One lord wanted the murderers removed from his family line. His family was so corrupt, he ended up with three virgin births, two generations removed entirely and a lady who gave birth at the age of two. Still, no one questions it as there is evidence in the archives. Bubo smugly tapped a book. There is one thing though, faking a prophecy in the past is easy, you already know the result. How will you make this come true in the future?I have someone in mind for it, but I'm not sure he'll go for it. But then prophecy is all optional anyway. Corvid looked up as if a thought had occurred to him. I'd best go check on my man, I've not met him yet.

~ Dylan Perry

I don't understand humans. Caradoc shook his head. It takes their brightest minds decades to plan an unmanned voyage to the nearest planet, which can take a year to travel each way. Yet they expect there to be aliens travelling distances it takes light decades to reach us, just for a weekend of bum fun with a total stranger without asking their permission, before dropping them off where they found them. They're just dying to believe the weirdest, least plausible things possible.

~ Dylan Perry

Staying relaxed was helping him cope with the drug induced juddering vision that could be best described as being like a Hitchcockian visual effect operated by a hyperactive squirrel that shook the whole universe closer and farther away. If you went with it, it was quite pleasant, as long as you didn't introduce any lateral movement like turning your head or the car. This caused the universe to try and slide away from underneath you. The other side effect was the constant feeling you ought to try to twist your head off, in a good way.

~ Dylan Perry

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

~ Patrick L.o. Lumumba

Humour sustains us during failure; more so after success, when we're prone to fail that much more, daring abyss, pumped up with success.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Peace and gladness in every home is a peace for the society, nation and the world.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Age is only a number. Keep an active life.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

They fuck you up, your mum and dad', and if you're planning on writing that's probably a good thing. But if you are planning on writing and they haven't fucked you up, well, you've got nothing to go on, so then they've fucked you up good and proper.

~ Alan Bennett

With the long list of supposedly health-endangering meals on our menus, ‘starving’ seems likea healthy option to have on our list of safe-to-eat meals.

~ Uche Mac-Auley

Now”—she leaned in a bit—“would you like to go flying with Grandmum before we take you home, so you can watch her toss cows around for no other reason than her own amusement?”“Sounds unnecessarily cruel.”“Exactly!” Rhiannon used her tail to place her granddaughter on her back. “See? Already you’re learning what it means to be part of this family.

~ G.a. Aiken

Éibhear isn’t my friend. He’s kin. A blood relation.”“Which means what exactly?”“To a Cadwaladr, it means that if I have good cause, I could beat the scales off his back and get away with it.

~ G.a. Aiken

I do not dance,' said Jean-Claude, who had forsworn that exercise for much the same reasons as Miss Stevenson.But here he spoke too soon, for Lady Dorothy Bingham, merciless to what she called 'ballroom skulkers', saw him standing about, ordered John to introduce him to her, and became his patroness.Not till he had miserably danced twice with her and once with each of the twins did he have the brilliant idea of introducing her to his mother. The master minds met, and recognised each other, and for the greater part of the evening they discussed the care and subjugation of a family...

~ Angela Thirkell

She had been to her Great-Aunt Willoughby’s before, and she knew exactly what to expect. She would be asked about her lessons, and how many marks she had, and whether she had been a good girl. I can’t think why grownup people don’t see how impertinent these questions are. Suppose you were to answer:“I’m the top of my class, auntie, thank you, and I am very good. And now let us have a little talk about you, aunt, dear. How much money have you got, and have you been scolding the servants again, or have you tried to be good and patient, as a properly brought up aunt should be, eh, dear?”Try this method with one of your aunts next time she begins asking you questions, and write and tell me what she says.

~ E. Nesbit

My greatest strength is an unfocused mind. This is because while you are all thinking of one idea, I’m thinking of five different ideas. My greatest weakness however is an unfocused mind. This is because while I’m supposed to be thinking about one thing, I’m actually thinking of five other things.

~ Ben Mitchell

When the loneliest place on earth is in your mind, move out!

~ Benny Bellamacina

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

~ Ryan Lilly

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

~ Jakub Marian

Who's possessing who now, Casper?

~ Rick Riordan

How often misused words generate misleading thoughts.

~ Abhinavsr Abhinav Srivastava

Great songs don't grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

~ Benny Bellamacina

It's good to let your mind wonder, as long as you know where it's going

~ Benny Bellamacina

Stop worrying about life, no one survived it.

~ A.j. Shazad

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead

~ Benny Bellamacina

I ain’t scared to lend a handI ain’t scared to clench it either

~ Mie Hansson

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses, one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

Merin smiled. I fought in battle and your mother bore two children. Of the two of us, I think she was the courageous one.

~ Catherine M. Wilson

The man up there raged aloud in two languages, and with a sincerity in his fury that almost convinced me I had, in some way, sinned against the harmony of the universe

~ Joseph Conrad

Right then, in a nutshell: this one hasn't a single bone of obedient-little-wife material in her heavenly body.''Hasn't she? Then what kind of bone does your expertise detect?'Fermin came closer, adopting a confidential tone. 'The passionate kind,' he said, raising his eyebrows with an air of mystery. 'And you can be sure I mean that as a compliment.

~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

In every step you take, keep your feet firmly on the ground.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

The Dean leaned toward an ear.“I was saying,” he said loudly, “that we didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘sex’ when we were young.”“That’s true. That’s very true,” said Poons. He stared reflectively at the flames. “Did we ever, mm, find out, do you remember?

~ Terry Pratchett

I was playing Rasputin and what was motivating him was crumpet really, and I was extremely keen on crumpet so I was really rather good as Rasputin. And my next catastrophic failure was Macbeth, who I played in the style of a crumpet-lover, and then when Doctor Who came along, I embraced this lunacy, this cloud-cuckoo-land where people had to be convinced by absolute nonsense. I came from a very religious background, so it was easy for me to believe in something I knew nothing about.

~ Tom Baker