Sarcasm Quotes

Doesn't this place give you the creeps? You could perhaps do something with some floral wallpaper and a fire-bomb.

~ Terry Pratchett

Forty dollars for one adult nonrefundable ticket. You’re in luck — your bus leaves in a half hour. But there’s no dogs, unless that’s a service animal.”“Oh, yeah,” Call said, with a quick look down at Havoc. “He’s totally a service dog. He was in the service — the navy, actually.”The woman’s eyebrows went up.“He saved a man,” Call said, trying out the story as he counted the cash and pushed it through the slot. “From drowning. And sharks. Well, just the one shark, but it was a pretty big one. He’s got a medal and everything.

~ Cassandra Clare

I don’t believe this. This is utter shit!” I yelled.“Does it look like I’m lying?” Steven asked.I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, “I don’t know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I’ll get back to you.

~ Sara Massa

What’s it like? Ballet school?”“Harsh,” he said. “Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly.

~ Cassandra Clare

What's going on? I asked when he finished.I'll let you know soon. For now, we have to wait.Great. My favorite thing to do.

~ Richelle Mead

It's better to shut a fool's mouth with sarcasm rather than cursing him back.

~ Anind Mathur

Is my life, by any chance, about to take a new turn?

~ Jonas Jonasson

I've been trying to figure that out since I met him. I've had more luck trying to smell the color nine.

~ Jenny Allen

Grown tall, like a ruddy weed, on his food.

~ Luggs

I know that you’re worried about me, but crushing my lungs isn’t going to help anyone.

~ Sara Massa

Any boy who'd love a sailboat-patterned, swimsuited sausage who tames rabid foxes would be wonderful. And impossible.

~ Fanny Britt

We just wanted to see whose dick was in yer mouth. Call it curiosity.

~ Jason Medina

An accessible introduction to the nature of political thought. Just what I always wanted.

~ Chris Weitz

I’m fine, considering I can’t walk anymore,” Pam replied, a sarcastic edge in her voice. “You look like your bringing news. What is it this time, I’m blind?

~ C.b. Cook

I—though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment—was my usual dignified self.

~ Jonathan Stroud

I don’t know. Is that good-different, or I-should-come-with-a-warning-label-different?

~ Melissa A. Craven

In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in.

~ Jonathan Stroud

It's funny, ma'am, how sometimes you're so sarcastic but it doesn't sting.Because of my dimples. Dimples are a get-out-of-jail-free card

~ Dean Koontz

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

~ Abraham Lincoln

Uh, yeah - how about a warm hell no to that request? Does that work for you? Because it works for me.

~ Tahereh Mafi

Women KNOW, we just know. Even if we didn't know, we would know. Men won't get this, but women will..because we KNOW

~ Karen Gibbs

Two thousand years and I’ve never met anyone so stubborn.

~ Melissa A. Craven

How’s your first week so far?” Isabele asks.“Well, let me see,” I begin. “Chloe says my penmanship is shit, and I was only thirty minutes early this morning, which apparently means I’m late, but on the bright side, she thinks her non-fat, half-sweet, no-whip soy latte didn’t taste right and then she told me she’s not paying for it. Other than that, work is just fine.

~ Maria Malonzo

While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops

~ Karen Gibbs

I am not being overly harsh. Overtly hostile, yes, but exactly the right amount of harsh.

~ Jennifer Harrison

MacMillian groaned again, and sat up. Clients?Yeah. You know, people who'll give us money in exchange for work.

~ Laura Oliva

Sorry, one night stands don't stack up as credentials for tending bar.

~ Katherine Mcintyre

Whatever crimes this man had committed, they weren't as egregious as his inflated self-image.

~ Katherine Mcintyre

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty of half full. Just drink it while everyone is arguing about it and be thankful you had a glass with something in it!

~ Karen Gibbs

You really want my honest opinion?” I ask. Anton gestures for me to go on. “Please, this is why I hired you, devochka.” I detect a little hint of sarcasm, but I go ahead and say, “I hate restaurants like this.” “Why?” He seems genuinely curious to know why. “Because—because they’re expensive.” “What is the problem? I’m paying for everything.” I shake my head. “It’s not that—you see,” I lower my voice, “ this is where famous people eat.” “Famous?” Anton pretends to look around. “Where?” “I think that’s the guy from that prank show. And there’s that guy from those vampire movies. And Maya Findlay.” “Yeah? I don’t know who they are.” “Really?” I ask dubiously. “I’m not into the famous people thing too.” “Really.” “Yes.” “Which is why you only date models who want to become actresses.” I notice him giving me a look. “Sorry,” I say sheepishly.

~ Maria Malonzo

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?

~ Rose Wynters

All My Bitches Are Mad At Me Right Now.

~ Brad Pitt

Valkyrie smiled patiently. I like how you do your make-up. Do you use a brush, or just dip your head in the bucket?

~ Derek Landy

The rich and large corporations get richer, the CEOs earn huge compensation packages, and when things get bad, don't worry; Uncle Sam and the American taxpayers are here to bail you out. But when you are in trouble, well, we just can't afford to help you, if you are in the working class or middle class of this country.

~ Bernie Sanders

I am quite scandalous, you see. I come packaged with unpredictable moments, brutal honesty, calamitous outbursts, the ghastly need for love, a fiendish lack of filter, the horrific need to question everything, nauseating affection, offensive kindness, indecent spirituality, obscene beauty, monstrous creativity, barbaric embellishments, contemptuous passion, sinful childhood traumas, unscrupulous hobbies, vexatious caring, abominable sensitivity, reprehensible humor, hideous sarcasm, displeasing feelings, unpalatable confidence, offensive compassion, villainous inspiration and a devilish wit. I am quite grotesque in my imperfectness and I am not ashamed to admit it.

~ Shannon L. Alder

It’s bad enough barging into Guild property, but we’ll get into really serious trouble if we shoot anyone. Lord Vetinari won’t stop at sarcasm. He might use’ - Colon swallowed - ‘irony.

~ Terry Pratchett

Think of it as an eight-dimensional onion.’ Justine straightened her back and gave her father an exasperated look. ‘Thanks, Dad. That’s helpful. I always think in those terms, it really helps a lot.

~ Peter F. Hamilton

He said, “If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site.” Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.

~ Shannon L. Alder

…believing sarcasm and rude remarks kept the monsters at bay. They didn’t.

~ Louise Penny

Whatever you are, do not even assume that you will be surrounded and gnawed by luxurious worms of an exquisite breed.

~ Alexander Zalan