Funny Quotes

The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics.

~ Terry Pratchett

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.

~ Jim Benton

I wish I had only offered youa sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I’ve a use for it.''And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.''Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.''Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.''Just let me look at the cash.''No, sir; you are not to be trusted.

~ Charlotte Brontë

What's a wingding? Why, a wingding is, uh...it's just like a shindig but without all the hullabaloo.

~ Cuthbert Soup

The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.

~ Jim Benton

Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, She only speaks Cantonese.She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga.Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls.That's some bullshit, Troy.It's her couch.

~ Christopher Moore

But you have said it too often, Mr. Benedict! said Mrs. Perumal in an imperious tone that was quite out of character. And if you continue in this vein, I'm afraid we'll be compelled to cut our visit short. Surely there are other establishments that would host an entire troup of guests - indefinitely and without reward - and not feel obliged to apologize for it!

~ Trenton Lee Stewart

Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head? Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like, every five minutes. Ant 1: Sometimes I notice my antennae out of the corner of my eye and I'm all, like: AHH! Something is on me! Get it off! Get it off! Ant 2: Yeah, the antennae again. Listen, I just remembered, I have to go walk around aimlessly now.

~ Jim Benton

After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.

~ Anne Stuart

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

~ David Cross

The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.

~ Jodi Picoult

Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.

~ Daniel Waters

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

~ Chelsea Handler

I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.

~ Jim Benton

...Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff? - Aunt Edna

~ Janet Evanovich

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, I want to love, I want to live...

~ David Sedaris

There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:1. Can I please go to the bathroom?2. Where is the bathroom?3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks.

~ Jim Benton

Smartass Disciple: Why men don't ready yet to join the intergalactic confederation?Master of Stupidity: Men could make them laugh to death. It'd be too risky for them.

~ Toba Beta

What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you? I don't know, but can you introduce me?

~ Gregory Maguire

Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.

~ Christopher Moore

We're too different now. We want different things. And this? I say nodding at our hands. All this managed to prove is that you are extremely good at turning me off

~ Tahereh Mafi

The pigs can't stop the fox; I'm too quick,' Takumi said to himself. I can rhyme while I run; I'm that slick.

~ John Green

How did you get in here?' (...) 'How I got here isn't important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.

~ Rachel Aaron

Don't you think you're quite young?''I'm twenty-one,' said Brida. 'If I wanted to start learning ballet, I'd be conseidered too old.

~ Paulo Coelho

Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Do you expect to attend many balls, if I may ask?' and I said, 'Yes, when I am rich and famous.' and Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Yes, when the moon is made of green cheese.

~ L.m. Montgomery

I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.

~ William Shakespeare

I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.“Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.

~ James Patterson

Owl love you forever

~ David Sedaris

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail....'No, you won't.'We will,' stated the robot simply.No, you won't. It makes my ship work.'In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail....'You will not,' said Zaphod.And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.'Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?'No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.'Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun.Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him.Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86)

~ Douglas Adams

She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.

~ Andrew Hinkinson

You have better luck than you think you do,” Cian said firmly.Turning back toward him, she said, “Yeah? Prove it?”You found me.”Yeah, and awakening your inner vampire, scaring the shit out of yourgirlfriend, and screwing up your life.”Then that's my bad luck,” he corrected her.

~ Rhiannon Frater

The world is full of unrequited love,' I said finally.'You and Patrick having problems?' Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge.'No, I was just wondering what you would say if I was a lesbian.''Come again?' said Lester. 'I'm having a hard time following this conversation.

~ Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

~ Neil Degrasse Tyson

I explained my opinion of the ship’s logic. “That is a strange designation,” said the ship. “While I have certain organic elements incorporated into my substructure and decentralized DNA computing components, I am not—in the strictest sense of the term—a biological organism. I have no digestive system. No need for elimination, other than the occasional waste gas and passenger effluvium. Therefore, I have no anus in either real or figurative terms. Therefore, I hardly believe I could qualify to be called an …” “Shut up,” I said.

~ Dan Simmons

What was that? Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn't escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.

~ Molly Harper

Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.

~ Molly Harper

He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.He's always taking something - generally food.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

When we met, you couldn't stop staring at my breasts.His face went pale, as if he seriously thought he was so subtle no one would notice. Make sure you get an equally satisfactory look a my backside as you leave.

~ Kiera Cass

You need anything we're only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We'll help you hide the body.

~ Sean Michael

I can see clearly now, my brain is gone.Lucy

~ Cathy Hopkins