Funny Quotes

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

~ Ryan Lilly

Satisfaction is not the achievement of what we want, but the awareness of what we have.

~ Abhysheq Shukla

Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

You were spying on me? I repeated, this time my tone was stern.Nonsense! I was making sure you were safe. He answered, fluttering his wings and landing in front of me. That's what friends do.

~ Grace Fiorre

You're funny.' Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. 'And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.''Ninety percent of Eastwood's male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.

~ Robyn Schneider

The three of you were pretty cute last night, with all that touchy-feely crap.Yeah, that lasted for about two minutes before you dragged Evan back over to the bar.Dude, we were hunting Turkey. [drinking bourbon] it was important. Chris grins. That boy can drink, I'll give him that. That's big of you. From the way you were hanging off each other by the end of the night, I was thinking I might get Jeff all to myself. Chris shoots him a look. Is that what you want? If you had your way? Just Jeff? Dan Isn't really ready to answer that question, not even from Chris. Wow, you'd switch teams just for me? You'd steal Evan away just so I could take his boyfriend? That's sweet man, really.Dan knows that Chris recognizes the deflection, but he lets Dan get away with it. That's the kind if friend I am, Dan. Maybe you should take a lesson - the next time I need a wingman in a straight bar, it wouldn't kill you to step up. Yeah, okay, I'll keep that on mind.

~ Kate Sherwood

You’ve kidnapped my friend. Sucked her brain out! Not that she had much to begin with, but—”“Bite me.” The laughter didn’t hurt, now. I didn’t even feel weird saying it. Bite me.Pretty funny, for a part-vampire.“Ha. You wish. Lesbo vamp girl.”“Lesbo?”“You love me.”“We’d never work, Nat. You’re too high maintenance.”We both cracked up, and right then, the darkness was kind.

~ Lili St. Crow

Sylph and Jodi return to my side, each carrying a cloth sack full of chickweed. I wrap my arm around Sylph's waist and give her a quick squeeze. Lesson's over for today. I have something to discuss with Logan.Sounds serious. Jodi wiggles her brows at me.I think that's just Rachel for 'I need to go kiss my boy.' Sylph laughs when I glare at her.

~ C.j. Redwine

Go to the cops then!” I shout. “But mind if I ask what you plan on telling them? Because saying two dead teenagers came to you in the middle of the night and told you something or someone is going to kill you is only going to get you locked in a cozy, padded cell.”“Well, it has to be better than spending another second with you.”“Make sure they put that on your headstone, will you? Right below ‘Here lies Benedict Bartholomew Ford. He had no friends and a really stupid name’.

~ Rebecca Harris

My mother raised her eyebrow, and murmured, “And to think I was always worried that you didn’t have any friends. I suppose I should have been counting my blessings.

~ Patricia Briggs

Don’t be too nice to him,” I teased. “He’ll never leave.

~ Juliet Blackwell

It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and talk bad about everyone we know.

~ Meg Cabot

Alas! Charles made the promise glibly, and forgot all about it.

~ Whipplesnaith

Stop teasing you two,” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.”“Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Well,” Lynx said once the man was dead. “That was…uneventful.”“You’re as fickle as an old woman,” Zeus told Lynx. “One minute too much carnage, the next not enough.

~ Shay Rucker

Men were weird. Especially men made of tempered steel and fire and perpetual darkness. Or men with penises. Either way

~ Darynda Jones

There's no way that you're real,” she murmured to his crotch.

~ Rose Wynters

What’s a TH?”“A Traffic Hazard,” Heeb clarified.“Oh you mean because the woman is so hot she’ll take your eyes off the road?” Narc confirmed.“Exactly.

~ Zack Love

What’s SQ?” asked Evan.“Sexual Quotient.”“What’s that?”“Basically, it’s your odds of getting laid. Everyone has an SQ. just like everyone has an IQ.”“I’ve never heard that term before.”“That’s because I made it up.”“That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?

~ Zack Love

Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?”She nodded her head, with an almost guilty look on her face.“What’s it like?”“Hard,” she replied.

~ Zack Love

But despite these and many other differences, Evan and Heeb had become close friends – an improbability that could have been produced only by the even greater improbabilities that brought them together.

~ Zack Love

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people's home wasn't one of them. Usually boys of his age might consider changes along the lines of smoking less grass at home, at college or at work, to be a good idea. Or maybe spending less time on that solitary pursuit common to men of his age across the globe. Enjoyable though he found it, he was going to cut back on the procrastination, but that was going to have to wait.

~ Dylan Perry

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.

~ Starley Ard

Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid.

~ Dani Alexander

He wears his cockiness like an ironic T-shirt, but it fits him better.

~ Gillian Flynn

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.

~ Russell Beland

WHAT A CONCUBINE SHOULD NEVER SAY:In your case, ED is not a man's name.

~ Robin Glasser

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

~ Bauvard

Seriously, Jack, I think you might be the only guy in this city who hasn’t read his stuff. Collin McCann is like the Carrie Bradshaw of Chicago men.”“You mean Terry Bradshaw,” Jack corrected.“No, Carrie,” Wilkins repeated. “You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.”A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men.

~ Julie James

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Behind every successful woman, there's a big prick.

~ James Patterson

It is easy to launch a project if you have no clue about the cost and schedule.

~ Gerry Geek

The business of lying is transacted in the abode of the gullible.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Any idiot can point out a problem. So, bosses do.

~ Gerry Geek

It doesn't matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn't cry.

~ Gerry Geek

I don't beg for those things which can be earned.

~ Amit Kalantri

No kind of social system can make you more happier and secure than your own money.

~ Amit Kalantri

If you think rightly, every problem is financial problem or eventually becomes one.

~ Amit Kalantri

Trust the vibes you get, energy doesn’t lie.

~ Genereux Philip

A girl can dream can’t she? My new life plan is to stumble into every office of a CEO until I find a Christian Grey.

~ Sophie Monroe