Funny Quotes

Melons. The girls. Gazongas. I could rattle off every nickname in the world for my boobs – oops nearly forgot jubblies – but it didn’t change the fact they were small.

~ Gabrielle Tozer

It's just...how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.

~ Liz Czukas

Well I'm not going to hope that you get hurt, but if you do, remember that you're my damsel in distress, and no one is allowed to carry you.I don't remember signing a contract.All the more reason to promise me now.What if you're not around when I get hurt?Send word, I`ll come running.How big an injury does it have to be? Because sometimes I do this thing when I stand up too quickly and my ankle kind of twists a little---Sounds serious. You don't want to put any weight on that. I`d better carry you the next time that happens.What if I skin my knee?I`ll carry you.Charley horse?I`ll carry you.Chipped toenail?Not worth taking a risk. I`ll carry you.

~ Claire Lazebnik

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become.

~ Charles Dickens

Excellent. Aristotle will introduce you to the employees at the desk,' Dr. Creamintin beamed.'What what? I shall do no such thing! the fluffy little owl argued. 'Cease your complaining Aristotle. Until Dave and Frey return, you haven't any work to do. Now go introduce the poor girl,' Dr. Creamintin ordered. 'Nevah, I say, nevah!' the owl decided, shaking his little butt. 'Too bad, I say, too bad,' Dr. Creamintin mocked before snatching the little bird off his stand on Felisha's desk and throwing him out of the office.

~ K.m. Shea

I wondered whether anyone in that backyard could hear the sound of my ovaries exploding. If there's anything that stirs a woman's soul more than a strong, handsome man tenderly holding a tiny infant then I certainly didn't know about it.

~ Cora Brent

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice.

~ Neal Stephenson

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me!

~ Rick Riordan

I give him a skeptical look. “You want to show me your dick?”“If it’ll help convince you.” He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. “Come on, let’s go.

~ Kendall Ryan

Do you know much about the Vittra?Some. He held out an orange slice to me. Want some?No, thanks. I shook my head. How much is 'some'?I meant like a slice or two, but you can have the rest if you really want.

~ Amanda Hocking

I may just be on the outskirts of being okay.

~ Pawan Mishra

There is no point in housing troubles inside your underwear if you can’t solve them by yourself.

~ Pawan Mishra

Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week?

~ Pawan Mishra

The only person who worries about my mother is God, and that's only because she wants His job.

~ Sue Civil-Brown

The Earl of Woolsey was indeed completely nude. He did not seem particularly perturbed by this fact, but Miss Tarabotti felt the sudden need to close her eyes tight and think about asparagus or something equally mundane.

~ Gail Carriger

He has been mad for you these many months, ever since you prodded him in the nether regions with a hedgehog.

~ Gail Carriger

Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter.

~ Gail Carriger

I said to my friend, Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?He replied, Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others.I astonishingly said, Sorry, I didn't get your point.He replied, I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world.

~ Saad Salman

THE UNOFFICIAL AND UNWRITTEN(but you better follow them or you’re going to get beaten twice as hard)SPOKANE INDIAN RULES OF FISTICUFFS:1. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.2. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IS GOING TO INSULT YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.3. IF YOU THINK SOMEBODY IS THINKING ABOUT INSULTING YOU, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.4. IF SOMEBODY INSULTS ANY OF YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, OR IF YOU THINK THEY’RE GOING TO INSULT YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, OR IF YOU THINK THEY’RE THINKING ABOUT INSULTING YOUR FAMILY OR FRIENDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.5. YOU SHOULD NEVER FIGHT A GIRL, UNLESS SHE INSULTS YOU, YOUR FAMILY, OR YOUR FRIENDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HER.6. IF SOMEBODY BEATS UP YOUR FATHER OR YOUR MOTHER, THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT THE SON AND/OR DAUGHTER OF THE PERSON WHO BEAT UP YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER.7. IF YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER BEATS UP SOMEBODY, THEN THAT PERSON’S SON AND/OR DAUGHTER WILL FIGHT YOU.8. YOU MUST ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH THE SONS AND/OR DAUGHTERS OF ANY INDIANS WHO WORK FOR THE BUREA OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.9. YOU MUST ALWAYS PICK FIGHTS WITH THE SONS AND/OR DAUGHTERS OF ANY WHITE PEOPLE WHO LIVE ANYWHERE ON THE RESERVATION.10. IF YOU GET IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEBODY WHO IS SURE TO BEAT YOU UP, THEN YOU MUST THROW THE FIRST PUNCH, BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY PUNCH YOU’LL EVER GET TO THROW.11. IN ANY FIGHT, THE LOSER IS THE FIRST ONE WHO CRIES.

~ Sherman Alexie

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or two.

~ Mark Twain