Funny Quotes

I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour. Finbar rolled his eyes. And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.

~ Derek Landy

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school’s last bastion of patriarchal society.

~ G.g. Silverman

There comes a time in every woman's life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.

~ Solange Nicole

The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very good. Then again, it was bacon. It was always good.

~ Ella Minster

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Did we really come all that way? She asked. Time flies when you're scared out of your mind. He answered.

~ Nights Raven

Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.

~ Michael Hogan

He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might be said to be in his way, for he went in at one door and came out at the other[.]

~ Charles Dickens

Anna gave her that disjointed look with which so many people regarded Hannah, as if they has fallen too many words behind to ever catch up.

~ Laura L. Sullivan

Am I higher or lower than she? It was always the vital question for Anna: who was superior, and how she could position herself so that she would be perceived as superior?

~ Laura L. Sullivan

I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...

~ Laura L. Sullivan

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

~ Christina Scalise

If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!

~ Tom Althouse

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

~ Sol Luckman

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn...

~ Cleo Peitsche

Diesel sucked air. You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.

~ Janet Evanovich

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.

~ Bill Bryson

Ryker, you ride with Orlando,” Ryker mocked in a snarky voice as he turned to the other man. He gestured toward the Pinto with a look of revulsion on his rugged face. “How the hell does he expect both of us to fit into that tiny metal trap? Even if we could squeeze in, the tires will probably pop. In fact, let's just carry it over. It'll be faster that way.

~ Rose Wynters

How many beers do y'all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, 'Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?' ' Sam drawled.

~ Robyn Schneider

Chase had looked at the apartment—online—talked to the real estate agent—online—obtained references—online.Now, standing in the hallway, it was obvious he’d gotten fucked—online.

~ Adrienne Wilder

I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That's, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone's ever

~ Claire Lazebnik

I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious.

~ Don Roff

I began to think I quite liked her really. It's always so nice to meet someone more badly behaved than oneself.

~ Helen Fielding

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Nobody should have to put their boxers in a half rotted chest of drawers.”“Hey. I’ll have you know that the rustic look is very popular in the burbs.”“Rustic?” Chase snorted. “Is that your way of saying termite infested?”“This furniture does not have termites. Mice maybe, even moths, but not termites.”“Great, I can look forward to having a swiss cheese wardrobe.

~ Adrienne Wilder

Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.

~ Adrienne Wilder

I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive.

~ River Jaymes

After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, I'd love to spend five minutes in your head to see what's going on in there. I warned them, If you spent five seconds in my mind you'd probably run out screaming and never speak to me again.

~ Mark W. Boyer

The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee.

~ Kelly Moran

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

~ Simon Ewins

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.’ Prov. xxvi. 4.‘Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.’ Prov. xxvi. 5.

~ Samuel Grant Oliphant

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something quite different about you, from the last time we were together, what could it be….”Was this my ultra-dose of Intoxicated taking effect?“I know!” said the prince happily. “You’re a national disgrace!”“And do you know what else is interesting,” I replied. “In America, Prince is a dog’s name.

~ Paul Rudnick

I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?''People who like things neat?''Its not natural.

~ Rachel Caine

If Myrnin pokes his crazy head up before then, call me and try to keep him, you know, stable.''Is he UNstable?''I don't know, how can I tell? You're the crazy whisperer!'She had a point. Claire couldn't help but smile about that.

~ Rachel Caine

You know, I can’t wait for her to gets married because hell is made of fire and she said it would be frozen before she gots married again.” ~ Anna Kate

~ J.t. Cheyanne

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

~ Jon S. Lewis

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes! Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

~ Mark Buff

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

~ Joseph Rosenbloom

110, 111 whatever it takes!Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

~ Mark Buff