Humor Quotes

I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan

~ J.k. Rowling

Trust her we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

~ Sandi Lynn

Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. It is my pleasure to open for you...Zark off....and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.I said zark off.Thank you for listening to this message.

~ Douglas Adams

pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower!

~ John Green

what would you call this haircut?arthur.

~ George Harrison

This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

~ Bill Maher

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after I love you... or You're going to live... or It's a boy!

~ Demetri Martin

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

~ Gena Showalter

Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies.

~ Maureen Johnson

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

~ Dakota Cassidy

Who are you and how did you get in here? I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

~ Leslie Nielsen

You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.

~ John Green

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

~ Bauvard

Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around

~ Lisa Mcmann

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

~ Bauvard

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

-He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful.-It was stupid.

~ Lloyd Alexander

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

~ John Green

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

~ Karl Pilkington

Royce looked back down at the stream below. She doesn't even know me. What if she doesn't like me? Few people do.She might not at first. Maribor knows I didn't. But you have a way of growing on a person. He smiled. You know, like lichen or mold.

~ Michael J. Sullivan

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

~ Bill Maher

And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first!

~ Susan Kay

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

~ Bauvard

I shot him a look. That bouncer was really big.His lips quirked. Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.What?The grin spread. I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know. he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

~ Bauvard

Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?

~ Molly Harper

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

~ Mark Twain

Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.

~ Cassandra Clare

Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone's belongings strewn all over the landing with a note attached to a jacket lapel addressed to A lying liar who lies. Right now there was a bouquet of flowers taped to the door with a card tucked among the blooms that read I'M SORRY. That was the thing about New York: you always knew more about your neighbors' business than you wanted to.

~ Cassandra Clare

Claire said. “I might be able to get him to stop.” “Who, crazy dude? Maybe. Or he might pull your head off,” Shane said. “I kind of worry.”She couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah?”“A little bit.”“That’s …nice.”He studied her, and returned the smile. “Yeah,” he said. “Kind of is, actually.

~ Rachel Caine

No, no. Don't make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man's confidence.

~ Tessa Dare

You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. I have to go.You just got here.Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.You're making that up.I'm not.So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

~ Rick Riordan

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

~ Robert Orben

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

~ Samuel Beckett

The guy thought he was Mick Jagger. I felt bad for him.

~ Kami Garcia

I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.”“Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.”“No, you’re not.”“Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.

~ Rachel Caine