Humor Quotes

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

~ Demetri Martin

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt

~ Dannika Dark

You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself.Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next walk across the classroom but on second thought...

~ Janette Rallison

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

~ Bauvard

And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey.

~ Meg Cabot

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

~ Libba Bray

You’re not the only one in this relationship who loves achallenge,” he says. “And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

~ Simone Elkeles

No headboards were broken.

~ John Green

You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.

~ Maryjanice Davidson

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

~ Lloyd Alexander

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

~ Bauvard

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

~ Bauvard

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

~ Noel Gallagher

I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a hands-on damsel.

~ Jenny Trout

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

~ Johnny Carson

Well, friend, I don’t know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody,” Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. “Have we been introduced?”“Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?”“You’re not my type, darling. Is this one yours?”“No,” Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. “Let’s say she’s a friend of the family.

~ Rachel Caine

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

~ Ron White

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

~ Wallace Wang

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

~ Tommy Cooper

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

~ Bauvard

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

~ Steven Tyler

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?

~ Jennifer Rardin

OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!*smack*J-just now, that made a really loud noise..Do you wanna hear it again?N-no, you'll just hit me again!Kyo and Tohru

~ Natsuki Takaya

I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfibul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf was invented at the same moment.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

~ Judy Blume

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase.I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.They're for you.You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?

~ Holly Black

Amelie said, “I won’t be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals.” She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. “Now defend what is ours, my partner.”He grinned … grinned! … and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked.

~ Rachel Caine

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

~ J.a. Saare

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

~ George Carlin

Okay, so, flying,” I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. “Flying is … great. It feels great when you’re doing it. It’s fun. Pure freedom. There’s nothing better.”Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face.“So the first thing we’re going to do,” I told him, “is push you off the roof.

~ James Patterson

Jason hated being an old man.

~ Rick Riordan

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.

~ Thomas Henry Huxley

Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.

~ Agatha Christie

I wish my nose would blow me for once.

~ Brian Celio

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

~ J.a. Saare

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

~ Bauvard

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

~ Steven Wright

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

~ Bauvard