Humor Quotes

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

~ Douglas Adams

To the stupidity of men, Dakota said, raising a glass. And my brother, who is their king.

~ Susan Mallery

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

~ Bauvard

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

~ James Patterson

What have you done to your hair?” Mom’s broken voice said, pinning me back to this tiny hospitalroom.“Holy shit!” Icka patted her head as if searching. “You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.

~ Phoebe Kitanidis

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

~ Penelope Fletcher

I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

~ Hannah Harrington

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

~ Molly Harper

June cackled with delight, muttering, Whoops! as a car almost killed them.

~ Rick Riordan

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

~ Bauvard

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

~ Criss Jami

Objection! Metz shouts.Grounds? the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!

~ Jodi Picoult

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

~ Carroll Bryant

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?I care Simon said gloomily. Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

~ Cassandra Clare

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

~ Criss Jami

Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine.

~ Hanna Lui

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

~ Bauvard

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

~ Steven Wright

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

~ Bauvard

Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

~ Bauvard

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

~ Bauvard

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.

~ Russell Brand

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

~ Bauvard

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

~ James Hetfield

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

~ Darynda Jones

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

~ Bauvard

Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).

~ John D. Rhodes

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

~ Anne Carson

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

~ Chelsea Handler

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

~ Chelsea Handler

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

~ Victor Borge

Hermits have no peer pressure.

~ Steven Wright

His hand cups the back of my neck, and before I can think, he dips down and our mouths meet. For a split second I worry that he thinks he's kissing Courtney. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into mine, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all I have left. Little electric sparks sip through my bloodstream, making sure every nerve in my body is focused on his amazing mouth.

~ Tera Lynn Childs

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.

~ Nick Shamhart

I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.

~ Gary Larson

Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot.

~ J.a. Saare

A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.

~ Khaled Hosseini

Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet! said Hermoine shrilly.Harry and Ron looked at her.What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor? said Ron.

~ J.k. Rowling

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

~ Steven Wright