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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?

~ Catherine Doyle

Catherine Doyle Funny Humor Sophie Gracewell

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once.

~ Brett Tate

Brett Tate Comedy Funny Humor Humour Memoir Sex

If it winds up earlier, you should have a movie picked out. This is assuming she isn’t sending you the ‘let’s go back to my place’ signals. In that case—”“Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

~ Nora Roberts

Nora Roberts Dates Friendships Funny Humor

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Funny Healing Humor Injuries Scars Wrinkles

It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind.

~ Charlie Brooker

Charlie Brooker Arachnophobia Dread Fear Funny Humor Humour Spiders Torment

I can’t chitchat and make breakfast at the same time. You could help, you know, instead of standing there like the Queen of England. Although you’re a lot better-looking.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Susan Elizabeth Phillips Funny Humor

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Funny Humor Humorous Ironic Irony

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Comeback Funny Humor Humorous Irony Satire Wit Witty Quotes

The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.

~ Roman Payne

Roman Payne Admiration Authors Brides Desire Funny Humor Humour Marriage Payne Roman Weddings Writers

Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again? And Grandpa Nate answered, Why don't you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over again?

~ E.l. Konigsburg

E.l. Konigsburg Funny Humor Music Sex

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Sherrilyn Kenyon Funny Humor

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

~ Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Charlotte Perkins Gilman Fashion Funny Hats Humor Humour Women

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

~ Rachel Gibson

Rachel Gibson Funny Humor

Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious.Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her.“Why’s this fish so bloody good?” he demanded, angrily.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Angry Fish Funny Humor

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives.Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that?

~ George Carlin

George Carlin Funny Humor Smoking

Where did you meet?” he pressed on.I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. “I was out for a run.”“From who?”I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.Knox leaned forward. “I think we’re both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?”“With my grandma, every Sunday after church.

~ Dannika Dark

Dannika Dark Card Game Cards Church Fantasy Funny Grandma Humor Knox Paranormal Silver Sterling Urban Zoe

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

~ Carroll Bryant

Carroll Bryant Comedy Funny Funny But True Funny Quotes Humor Humorous

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

~ Libba Bray

Libba Bray Funny Humor Humour

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Funny Humor Idealism Love Men And Women

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Children Funny Humor Shame

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Books Funny Humor Politics

And she didn't once say anything about this being a sin. It used to be I got the word sin slapped in my face every time I did something wrong, but come on, when you live in a sin-free family with sin-free parents and a sin-free sister, well, you can't help but sin a little extra on their behalf.

~ Han Nolan

Han Nolan Funny Humor Sins

Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Funny Humor Sarcasm

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

~ Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Funny Humor Weird

I`ve got a black woolen hat and it`s got Pervert written across the front of it. It`s the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn`t think. I just put my hat on Clara`s head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn`t figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby`s wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, `There`s Satan! There`s Satan out with his kid!` And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there.

~ Ewan Mcgregor

Ewan Mcgregor Actors Children Funny Humor Mistakes

He sniggered.He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Funny Humor Laugh

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

~ Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Drugs Funny Humor Humorous

May a man live well-, and long-enough, to leave many joyful widows behind him.

~ Roman Payne

Roman Payne Dying Funny Humor Humour Living Men Payne Roman Widows Women

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

~ Wes Locher

Wes Locher Anecdote Comedy Essay Funny Humor

Jev stroked his chin. Do I look like a summer fling?

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

Becca Fitzpatrick Funny Humor Jev Nora Grey Patch Cipriano

They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places,' Claire said, and sneezed.

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Carpe Corpus Claire Danvers Funny Humor Myrnin Rachel Caine

Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. Do you always hold your guitar like that?I dropped my pick. Do you always shop at Hot Topic?

~ Tara Kelly

Tara Kelly Funny Humor Music Musicians

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....

~ Josh Stern

Josh Stern Absurd Funny Humor Naked Paints Picture Vowels

I had a dream about you. You were on a bike going 70 miles an hour, I could see you approaching my car in the mirror. You were trying to say something so, I jumped on the brakes as hard as I could, I guess I forgot I had tied your bike on my bumper.

~ Georgia Saratsioti

Georgia Saratsioti Bicycle Cars Dreaming Dreams Funny Humor Mirror

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

~ George Carlin

George Carlin Funny Humor Sore Loser

Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent. Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.

~ Richard Paul Evans

Richard Paul Evans Blaming Consent Funny Humor Humour Lighting Locker School

Finding the book was like kissing a lightning bolt.

~ Karen Miller

Karen Miller Books Funny Humor

IMBECILE! the chef shouted. Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!Chef Vlad! I cried out in delight.

~ Kenneth Oppel

Kenneth Oppel Funny Humor Kate Matt Skybreaker

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Class Funny Humanity Humor

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

~ Victor Borge

Victor Borge Borge Fat Funny Humor Humorous Opera Piano Singers Victor Victor Borge
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