Humor Quotes

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

~ Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

~ Steven Wright

She made an impatient noise. By the Angel, you don't know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much ...

~ Cassandra Clare

So what's the plan?” Ben asked.“Go inside. Look around. Improvise.”“Brilliant. Hi stroked his chin. “Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories?

~ Kathy Reichs

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.

~ Pawan Mishra

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

~ Bauvard

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their children laying their heads on their pillows; in short , that there never more could be , for them or theirs , any laying of heads upon pillows at all , unless the prisioner's head was taken off.The Attorney General during the trial of Mr. Darnay

~ Charles Dickens

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right?

~ Rachel Caine

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

~ Fanny Merkin

Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

~ Bauvard

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words?

~ Martin Freeman

He`s quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on his co-star Hayden Christensen].

~ Ewan Mcgregor

Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic.

~ Will Mcintosh

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

~ Rodney Dangerfield

I can't make out what they're saying; it sounds like: hiss, blah, she hiss, squeak. But the aunt appears to speak the native language.

~ Emma Chase

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

~ Victor Borge

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

~ Victor Borge

My dear fellow Said Albert, turning to Franz here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take him - we bring him back to Rome , and present him to him holiness the Pope, who asks how he can repay so great a service; Then we merely ask for a cariage and a pair of horses, and we will see the Carnival in the carriage , and doubtless the Roman people will crown us at the capitol , and proclaim us, like Curtius and the veiled Horatius, the preservers of there country. Whilst Albert proposed this scheme, signor Pastrini's face assumed an expression impossible to describe.

~ Alexandre Dumas

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child.

~ Wes Locher

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

~ Bauvard

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

~ Patrick Dewitt

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

~ George Carlin

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

~ Bauvard

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

~ Bauvard

Let me get you all some punch,” I said.“You're leaving us?” said Isabel, sounding panicky.“I'll be right back,” I promised. “If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

~ Kenneth Oppel

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

~ Steven Wright

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

~ Bauvard

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

~ Bauvard

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

~ Bauvard

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

~ Carroll Bryant

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.

~ Wes Locher

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

~ Criss Jami

Hi's nose was pressed to his window. “I've changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I'm keeping this on file.

~ Kathy Reichs

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.

~ Andrew Smith

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events.

~ Gian-Carlo Rota

I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi's additions to my wardrobe. I quickly decided that I hated it.

~ Andrea Cremer

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

~ Terry Pratchett

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

~ T.j. Klune

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

~ Jean Shepherd

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

~ Carroll Bryant