Humor Quotes

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

~ Carroll Bryant

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

~ Jane Austen

It may be prodigious, but it's all Greek to me!

~ Hergé

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.

~ Wes Locher

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

~ Wes Locher

Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?

~ Richelle Mead

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

~ Criss Jami

If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich...not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard.

~ Simone Elkeles

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.

~ Catherine Gilbert Murdock

First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' (...) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully.

~ Rachel Aaron

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

~ Carroll Bryant

The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.

~ Scott Westerfeld

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

~ Dave Barry

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

~ Steven Wright

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

~ David Cross

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

~ Chelsea Handler

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, I want to love, I want to live...

~ David Sedaris

How did you get in here?' (...) 'How I got here isn't important, because I could do it twenty times again, each time a different way.

~ Rachel Aaron

We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail....'No, you won't.'We will,' stated the robot simply.No, you won't. It makes my ship work.'In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail....'You will not,' said Zaphod.And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.'Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?'No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.'Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun.Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him.Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86)

~ Douglas Adams

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

~ Neil Degrasse Tyson

He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.He's always taking something - generally food.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

When we met, you couldn't stop staring at my breasts.His face went pale, as if he seriously thought he was so subtle no one would notice. Make sure you get an equally satisfactory look a my backside as you leave.

~ Kiera Cass

Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?''Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?''You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder.

~ Agatha Christie

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off- Cruz

~ Derrolyn Anderson

I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.

~ Hannah Vandegrift

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...

~ Woody Allen

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

~ Terry Pratchett

Do you prefer to be called Richard or Dick?” “Ric.” “Dick? I'll make a note of that on your file.” I spoke aloud as I wrote. “Patient prefers to be called Dick.

~ Zathyn Priest

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

~ Derek The Ghost

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

~ Dave Barry

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

~ Steven Wright

We have truth in order not to die of art.

~ Steve Aylett

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.

~ Criss Jami

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

~ Nenia Campbell

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

~ Albert Einstein

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.

~ Brett Tate

We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff.

~ M. Beth Bloom

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.

~ Shannon L. Alder

How are we going to get out of here?Oh, escape is easy once you have the right

~ Derek Landy

Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them.

~ Melinda Chapman