Humor Quotes

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

~ Oscar Wilde

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

~ Steve Martin

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.

~ Robert Frost

Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.Canoodle? repeated Clary, never having heard the word before.Magnificent? repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like Get out.

~ Cassandra Clare

Ginny! said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?

~ J.k. Rowling

Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

~ J.k. Rowling

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

~ George Carlin

I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.

~ J.k. Rowling

Alec looked at her and shook his head. How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?Isabelle shrugged philosophically. I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt.

~ Cassandra Clare

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

~ Pat Monahan

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.

~ Candace Bushnell

Why do people say grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

~ Sheng Wang

You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.

~ Rick Riordan

DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

~ Terry Pratchett

Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?

~ Julie Kagawa

Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.

~ Zig Ziglar

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

~ Mae West

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

~ Rick Riordan

It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.

~ Suzanne Collins

We need to talk. All of us About what we're going to do now.I was going to watch Project Runway.

~ Cassandra Clare

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

~ Ellen Degeneres

Humor is reason gone mad.

~ Groucho Marx

Can you be a girl for a few seconds?I'm always a girl I frown.You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girlI twirl my hair around my finger. Kay.

~ Veronica Roth

Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.

~ Cassandra Clare

People, generally, suck.

~ Christopher Moore

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

~ Douglas Adams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

~ Robin Williams

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

~ Mark Twain

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.

~ Isaac Asimov

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

~ Terry Pratchett

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

~ George Carlin

He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.“Green grass breaks through snow. Artemis pleads for my help. He grinned at us, waiting for applause. That last line was four syllables.” Artemis said. Apollo frowned. “Was it?” “No, no, that’s six syllable, hhhm.” He started muttering to himself. That’s five syllables!” He bowed, looking very pleased with himself.

~ Rick Riordan

I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.

~ Matt Groening

Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit.

~ J.k. Rowling

Rachel: You're a half-blood, too?Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about?Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.

~ Rick Riordan

It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.

~ Gertrude Stein

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?All the time.

~ Wendy Mass

Puns are the highest form of literature.

~ Alfred Hitchcock

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

~ George Carlin