Humor Quotes

A perfect person is easy to love. But when somebody likes all your imperfections, well, that's when you know they really mean it.

~ Michelle Dalton

You are evidence of your mother's strength, especially if you are a rebellious knucklehead and regardless she has always maintained her sanity.

~ Criss Jami

The more fucked up you are, the more I like you. As long as you've managed to hold onto your identity through all the shit, then it won't matter how twisted you are. I will love you more for it.

~ Ashly Lorenzana

I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.

~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.

~ Eoin Colfer

It’s like this…a starving man would gladly eat a radish, right? In fact, a radish would be a feast if that’s all he had. But if he had a buffet in front of him, the radish would never be chosen.

~ Colleen Houck

That dress…was a very, very good decision. I could write an entire poem on the virtues of your legs alone. You are a feast for the senses.” I laughed. “I don’t know about a feast. Maybe just an hors d'oeuvre.” He took my hand and wrapped it around his arm. “Not an hors d'oeuvre. The dessert. And I plan to spoil my appetite.

~ Colleen Houck

My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook.

~ Wendy Higgins

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

~ Narcotics Anonymous

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

~ Woody Allen

Reality continues to ruin my life.

~ Bill Watterson

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.

~ George V. Higgins

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

~ E.b. White

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

~ Woody Allen

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

~ Maya Angelou

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!

~ George Carlin

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

~ Terry Pratchett

Some people have lives, some people have music.

~ John Green

Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.

~ Stephanie Klein

If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.

~ Terry Pratchett

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

~ Arthur C. Clarke

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

~ Terry Pratchett

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

~ Bill Watterson

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

~ Woody Allen

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

~ Mae West

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

~ Groucho Marx

You live but once, you might as well be amusing.

~ Coco Chanel

I think I've discovered the secret of life -- you just hang around until you get used to it.

~ Charles M. Schulz

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

~ Lily Tomlin

Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it.

~ L.m. Montgomery

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.

~ Terry Pratchett

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

~ C. Joybell C.

No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

~ George Lucas

Cynics are simply thwarted romantics.

~ William Goldman

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

~ Bill Watterson

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.

~ Terry Pratchett

Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar

~ Jim Butcher

This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.

~ Terry Pratchett

MagicSandra’s seen a leprechaun,Eddie touched a troll,Laurie danced with witches once,Charlie found some goblins gold.Donald heard a mermaid sing,Susy spied an elf,But all the magic I have knownI've had to make myself.

~ Shel Silverstein