Sarcasm Quotes

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?

~ L.j. Smith

Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

~ Cassandra Clare

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

He made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. Oh thank you so much. That's what every man wants to hear about his name. You might as well call me 'Little Pecker' while you're at it and tell me you would love to have me go shopping with you for feminine hygiene products. Oh and by all means, carry a big, sparkling pink bag with flowers on it and make me hold it.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

~ Holly Hood

Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!

~ Terry Pratchett

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.

~ Charles Dickens

You’re sure you didn’t leave? Didn’t try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don’t know, dismember some poor jogger?

~ Kendare Blake

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.

~ Molly Harper

Get the point? I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?

~ Molly Harper

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

~ Criss Jami

But you have said it too often, Mr. Benedict! said Mrs. Perumal in an imperious tone that was quite out of character. And if you continue in this vein, I'm afraid we'll be compelled to cut our visit short. Surely there are other establishments that would host an entire troup of guests - indefinitely and without reward - and not feel obliged to apologize for it!

~ Trenton Lee Stewart

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

~ Hannah Harrington

Arjuro made a scoffing sound. ‘You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?’Froi looked away. ‘Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.’‘Isaboe? We’re on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?’ Gargarin asked.Froi found himself bristling. ‘What? Do you think I’m some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words “I wantto kill a Charynite King” tattooed on my arse?

~ Melina Marchetta

What about you? What do you do?” I needed to ask questions, draw him out. I needed to find out all the information I could. My voice sounded strong and smooth, but my hands were shaking. I put them in my lap so he couldn’t see.“I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children,” he said with a nasty smile. “And sometimes when I’m feeling really evil, I read books or paint.

~ Kate Avery Ellison

It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog.

~ Holly Hood

You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.

~ Sulari Gentill

I’ll use my divination and look into the future. Hey, you know what, I’m seeing the future right now. If I stand here and wait, then in three minutes a train’s going to come. And after that, another train’s going to come. Here, I’ll let you guess what’s going to happen afterwards. I’ll give you a hint—there’s a train.

~ Benedict Jacka

I am so tired of this gothic crap,” I muttered. “Just once, I want to meet the villain in a cheerful, brightly lit room. Possibly one with kittens.

~ Seanan Mcguire

My maid never sweeps under the bed so I asked her to do so today. Found a pen, three pairs of shoes and the man I had lost two years ago.

~ Sanhita Baruah

As he pulls away from her, his gaze meets mine, and we stare at each other for one long moment before I slowly raise my left hand and give him the middle finger.

~ Deanna Chase

What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.American novels, answered Lord Henry.

~ Oscar Wilde

Better watch her. She burns other people's books.

~ Tsukumizu

I don't spend money on books. I write them myself.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

I would die for you, my love—in old age.

~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Thomas was an annoying wiseass who tended to make everyone he met want to kill him, and when I have that much in common with someone, I can't help but like him a little.

~ Jim Butcher

You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!

~ Harry Truman

Well, you’re not exactly social, are you, Mandy Valems?”“Oh yeah, sure, because I’m just surrounded by genius to be social with in this day and age,” Mandy replied with razor-sharp sarcasm. “Hey, I don’t need anyone else! I’ve got you, you’re my friend, and you’ll be with me forever!”“…You won’t be with me forever, though…” said Alecto cynically. “I’m like a spider’s web; anyone who is friends with me gets dragged into my troubles and eventually dies.”“…Poetic, dear friend,” Mandy sighed, shaking her head. “Morbid, but poetic.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt

His chief form of entertainment was reading. The last moments he was in a cabin were usually spent scanning bookshelves and nightstands. The life inside a book always felt welcoming to Knight. It pressed no demands on him, while the world of actual human interactions was so complex. Conversations between people can move like tennis games, swift and unpredictable. There are constant subtle visual and verbal cues, there's innuendo, sarcasm, body language, tone. Everyone occasionally fumbles an encounter, a victim of social clumsiness. It's part of being human.To Knight, it all felt impossible. His engagement with the written word might have been the closest he could come to genuine human encounters. The stretch of days between thieving raids allowed him to tumble into the pages, and if he felt transported he could float in bookworld, undisturbed, for as long as he pleased.

~ Michael Finkel

For the whole earth is the tomb of famous men; not only are they commemorated by columns and inscriptions in their own country, but in foreign lands there dwells also an unwritten memorial of them, graven not on stone but in the hearts of men. Make them your examples, and, esteeming courage to be freedom and freedom to be happiness, do not weigh too nicely the perils of war.[Funeral Oration of Pericles]

~ Thucydides

Wouldn't want to miss a war, would I?

~ Alison Mcghee

We call this a “bow”, Cap’n, and the thing that’s sticking out of that fellow’s head over on the other side of the trench is called an “arrow”. If you put them together just right, they’ll do all sorts of nice things to people who aren’t nice.

~ David Eddings

I was appraising . . . not eye fooking.

~ Paul Allor

It's a Christmas miracle. I had no tree. Now I have a forest.

~ Richelle Mead

You're back where you swore yourself you wouldn't beThe familiar shackles you can't tell from your own skinYour head's under water when you learned to swimOn a road to hell, congratulations, you're free...

~ Sanhita Baruah

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

While the Clave disapproves of trespassers, oddly they take an even darker view of beheading and skinning people. They're peculiar that way.

~ Cassandra Clare

Here is a man whose life and actions the world has already condemned - yet whose enormous fortune...has already brought him acquittal!

~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says so nice to see you again in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.

~ Howard Tayler