Funny Quotes

Now how do I access Google?”Was he serious? “Why do you need Goog

~ Charlie Cochet

If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich...not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard.

~ Simone Elkeles

Myrnin was silent for a beat, and then he said, Bob would be very disappointed in you.

~ Rachel Caine

...that was before I'd started thinking about how life stuck on a ship wouldn't be so bad if Elder walked around pantless more.

~ Beth Revis

It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something.

~ Catherine Gilbert Murdock

First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' (...) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully.

~ Rachel Aaron

I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been. —Enid Healy

~ Seanan Mcguire

When Matthew merely stared at him, Jackson reached into the weapon box and pulled out a sheathed machete, handing it to the boy.Matthew laughed and dropped it.

~ Kresley Cole

I haven't met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving is an extension of their masculinity; they have little fantasy scenarios going all the time - races, chases, and dramatic combat with other drivers. Females, on the other hand, generally seem to view driving as something you do to get somewhere. I know, crazy.

~ Tad Williams

Have they built cities on the moon? another boy asked hopefully.We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it.

~ Ransom Riggs

Through lightest dark or darkest light, You dont need no bling to join the fight. We're mercs with mouths and so much more, Yippee-ki-yay, we're the Deadpool Corps!

~ Deadpool

America pays defense contractors to build aircraft carriers. Google pays brilliant programmers to do whatever the hell they want.

~ Robin Sloan

You take the words in the sense which is most damaging to the argument.

~ Plato

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading.

~ Molly Harper

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl.

~ Molly Harper

All right, my hope—but I am not saying the rest of it—I have something you need to feel.”She feigned the sound of outrage. “But we barely know each other, sir!”He laughed softly. “But you must hold it in your hand and feel it change,” he urged, in her ear. “I insist. I can wait no longer.”She knew they were on a serious subject, but the flutter of his breath on her skin, the low drawl of his words—heat raced along all her nerve endings. “Will I like it?”“Well, I do have to apologize for its size. It is rather small.” And with that, he pressed something rather small into her hand.

~ Sherry Thomas

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

~ Carroll Bryant

So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.

~ Yahtzee Croshaw

It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but so was the plague.

~ Heidi Cullinan

Are there any other missing persons living under your roof? Elvis? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? I'd just like full disclosure now, before we go any further.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

A teacher had once told them that men were either beasts, gentlemen, or beasts masquerading as gentlemen. Might there be a fourth category — gentlemen masquerading as beasts?

~ Sabrina Jeffries

The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.

~ Scott Westerfeld

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.

~ Janet Evanovich

All men are equal before fish.

~ Herbert Hoover

You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex.Bob's voice got defensive. It's an academic interest, Harry.Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's ho

~ Jim Butcher

I tell you, the old-fashioned doctor who treated all diseases has completely disappeared, now there are only specialists, and they advertise all the time in the newspapers. If your nose hurts, they send you to Paris: there's a European specialist there, he treats noses. You go to Paris, he examines your nose: I can treat only your right nostril, he says, I don't treat left nostrils, it's not my specialty, but after me, go to Vienna, there's a separate specialist there who will finish treating your left nostril.

~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

~ Dave Barry

Life is too short to dance with ugly men

~ Christina Dodd

I'm thirty-six years old and I've been married once and he left and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Like I can't be vulnerable. Can't relax. It's exhausting, always being on the defensive, keeping my guard up. I feel like Cuba.

~ Noah Hawley

I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. How's it hanging? Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez!

~ Barry Lyga

Hey, A-D-D,” she called out to Claire, “come over and try these on.

~ Kimberly Derting

Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.

~ Rob Sheffield

Life is like Tetris; if it doesn't fit, just flip it over

~ Sabine Hein

Can I have Jake and Coke--uh, Jack and Cock

~ J.l. Langley

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

~ Keisha Keenleyside

The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.

~ Steven Wright

God will break California from the surface of the continent like someone breaking off a piece of chocolate. It will become its own floating paradise of underweight movie stars and dot-commers, like a fat-free Atlantis with superfast Wi-Fi.

~ Laura Ruby

After this, I can't resist. Between you, me, and the rest of us, Ted, it's starting to show. You'd better work out, or getting fat off Daddy might be harder to hide.

~ Cindy Martinusen Coloma

What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.

~ Bill Bryson

The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.

~ Sean Covey