Funny Quotes

Like, when you kiss him, POW, he gets hit by a bear. Totally not your fault. You shouldn't feel bad about that. It's not your bear.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

It is not what they say, but the reaction that tells you everything you need to know.

~ Shannon L. Alder

And then came the three-toed sloth. Stupid sloth. It was a crazy-looking beastie, all arms and bristling grey fur; its body was a blob, the kind of shape a six-year-old would draw for a pig, and its face was flattened like a racoon that had run full tilt into a brick wall. A triangular stub of a nose jutted out at an angle beneath a fringe that must have been difficult to see through. In fact, from side-on it looked disturbingly like John Lennon.

~ Tony James Slater

Do not complain about two things; your job and your position, because you can always change them.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

Kelsier rapped lightly on the door, and Dockson strolled over, pulling it open.And he makes his stunning entry! Kelsier announced, sweeping into the room, throwing back his mistcloak.Dockson snorted, shutting the doors. You're truly a wonder to behold, Kell. Particularly the soot stains on your knees.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

~ Shikamaru Nara

The guy had guts—I had to give him that. Later on I was hoping for a first-hand look at them.

~ Rob Thurman

I already apologized for that.”“No, you didn’t.”“Then I’m sorry.”“Fuck your sorry.”“Fine. Fuck my sorry.

~ Kenya Wright

She held her hand out in front of her. “Wait.”“No,” I groaned and then cleared my throat. “I mean okay, I can wait.

~ Kenya Wright

What's a Dullahan?''He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.''Headless?''Yes.''Seriously?''Yes.''So he has no head?''That's usually what headless means.''No head at all?''You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?''It's just kind of silly, even for us.''Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.''But at least he has a head.''True.''He even has a spare.

~ Derek Landy

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!' Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back.

~ Derek Landy

Jace: Herondale, on the other hand, is melodic. Dulcet, one might say. Think of the sound of 'Clary Herondale.'Clary: Oh, my god, that sounds horrible.Jace: We all must sacrifice for love.

~ Cassandra Clare

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it may be difficult. Von Neumann didn’t say anything but after five minutes he raised his hand. When I called on him he went to the blackboard and proceeded to write down the proof. After that I was afraid of von Neumann.

~ George Pólya

Mathematics education is much more complicated than you expected, even though you expected it to be more complicated than you expected.

~ Edward Griffith Begle

I really think I'd be better at, like, advanced napping techniques.

~ Tui T. Sutherland

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist.

~ Laurie Notaro

It's four A.M.! Who goes to bed this early!?

~ Jeff Hirsch

So he slips his head off of Jeff's shoulder and slides out from under Evan's Armand shuffles down to the bottom of the bed. It doesn't have a lot of dignity this part of their sleeping arrangement. He's complained about this before but Jeff just nodded, and Evan had kissed the back of his neck, and they'd both snuggled in a little tighter, pinning him in the middle even more effectively than before.

~ Kate Sherwood

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.

~ Bauvard

It is funny that those who make the laws by which we are expected to live are usually the ones who have no regard for it.

~ Paul Bamikole

Oh don’t be such a fuss pot,” said the fairy, “or I’ll call you Fussy Pants, instead of Silly Pants!

~ Julie B. Campbell

Margherita Margheritone put the pot of water on the fire and the Wicked Witch emptied the sack into it and the little wash-bear jumped out and started biting both of them, went down into the yard and started eating the hens, and threw all the rubbish into the air.

~ Niccolò Ammaniti

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.

~ M.j. Mcguire

An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know.

~ Peter Boghossian

Somehow, I think God will forgive her. If not, eh, Hell has better parties anyway.

~ C.t. Phipps

What the hell kind of Hell was this supposed to be?

~ Jim Butcher

That was his cover story. Architecture… a job that would take him out of town often and would require long hours and meetings that wouldn’t allow him to answer his phone. Of course, he had to have a good cover. Cell coverage in Hell was spotty.

~ Danielle James

Jehovah’s Witness? Don’t sweat it. I’m going to hell, already booked my ticket. Bright side? I’m pagan. Your hell is my heaven... if for no other reason than you won’t be there.

~ Dennis Sharpe

We must have taken a wrong turn turning somewhere.Where, Purgatory? said Dozy. We're in Hell.

~ John Connolly

I'm simpley one hell of a butler.

~ Sebastian Michealis

What is Hell like? I blurted out before I could stop myself. Damn my curiosity. You've never been there? He eyed me suspiciously. Yeah, I went to Hell every summer for vacation.

~ Alycia Linwood

I didn't actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.

~ Angela N. Blount

Tex's head snapped in my direction.Fuckin' A, woman, you've never had a s'more? he boomedI shook my head.Christ, everyone's gotta have a s'more before they die. Fuck that shit, I'll build a fire in my backyard tonight and I'll stop by Kumar's on the way home to get the stuff. Everyone can come by-

~ Kristen Ashley

After that came her biggie: a triple murder--her dealer, the dealer's sister, and the dealer's sister's boyfriend.Reading that made me feel a little funny that we'd fucked and I'd loved her.

~ George Saunders

As my laughter faded, he shot me an amused glance. You should laugh more often. It's far less nauseating than your speaking voice. That may be the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Don't let it go to your head.

~ Cecily White

The door opens and my new neighbor is a vampire. He’s nearly a foot taller than me. Unruly ink-black hair, and a face made of knife angles. If I were obnoxious, I might use the term shockingly attractive . Or terrifyingly handsome . Holy mother of balls would also be an option.

~ Eva Morgan

Aline! Isabelle looked appalled. You can't just go around asking people what it's like to be a vampire.

~ Cassandra Clare

His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch's voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with him. And he smelled Turkish tobacco. V must be in the bathroom too. Hollywood? This too hot for you? No. He reached around for the soap, fumbling. Can't see. Just as well. No reason for you to know what we look naked together. Frankly, I'm traumatized enough for the both of us. Rhage smiled a little as a washcloth scrubbed over his face, neck and chest.

~ J.r. Ward

Kylie flopped back against the seat again, enjoying the look of disbelief on the vampire’s face a littletoo much. “Would you like a name of a good doctor who will schedule your little snip-snip operation?”she bit out.

~ C.c. Hunter