Hilarious Quotes

Listen you..you..he sputtered.You what ? You've already used hellion,draft girl and missy' .i can think of several more degradation,but then again im not the one trying so hard to be intimidating.How about you,maddending,foolish,moronic little chit ?Much better ! she applauded.

~ Kate Noble

Sionnach smiled in the way of the falsely modest and added, Forgive me for not standing, but I can't find the energy just yet.the answering heat flare was enough to raise the temperature in the cave, enough to explain the fine sheen of sweat on Sionnach's body. It wasn't comfortable, but it was useful at hiding the truth. He waited as Keenan's gaze took in the candles, the glasses beside the bed, and the fact that Sionnach was seemingly naked. There were moments in every faery's life that were too perfect to have been planned, and Sionnach was having just such a moment as he reclined in Rika's bed grinning while the faery who had caused such upheaval in Rika's life—and in their desert—very obviously misinterpreted the clues.

~ Melissa Marr

Oh, god…” I whimper. “I haven’t done anything yet, baby,” Colton growls. “I know,” I pant. “I was just saying your name.

~ Jasinda Wilder

Hello, Bradley,' said Mom. She'd regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. 'Stand close.''No, Mom,' I said. 'No pictures.''But you're friend's here now,' she said, waving us together. 'Smile!''I don't need a picture with-' the flash snapped '-another guy. That's great, Mom, thank you. Send that one to Dad and tell him we're going steady.

~ Dan Wells

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn't been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn't figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he'd customized it. Painted pink with purple stripes, the younger male could often be found cruising up and down the streets of Wolf Town, with his terrible music blaring out of the windows. The car was a ticking time bomb. Already, more than one werewolf had offered to blow it up. Orlando better enjoy it, Connor doubted he would have it for very much longer.

~ Rose Wynters

The woman at the next table is making eyes at you,” Lanie said, whispering conspiratorially.“Really? What does she make them out of? Cloth?

~ M.k. Schiller

I placed my hand on his chest. “You don’t need to worry about Reece.”“I know, I know. He’s nothing compared to my magnificence.” His fingers stroked mine and his eyes softened. “But just out of curiosity, how do you feel about getting my name tattooed on your forehead?

~ Kylie Scott

NOTHING HAS EVER LOOKED LIKE THAT EVER IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY,” he said. His enthusiasm was adorable. I couldn’t resist leaning over to kiss him on the cheek.“Just so you know, I’m right here,” Mom said. “Sitting next to you. Your mother. Who held your hand as you took your first infantile steps.”“It’s friendly,” I reminded her, turning to kiss her on the cheek.“Didn’t feel too friendly,” Gus mumbled just loud enough for me to hear. When surprised and excited and innocent Gus emerged from Grand Gesture Metaphorically Inclined Augustus, I literally could not resist.

~ John Green

Which college?''Hmm?''Which college do you go to?'Fletcher nodded. 'Yes.''I'm sorry?''Oh,' Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie's parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.

~ Derek Landy

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

~ Olivia Cunning

It was like bouncing tennis balls off a mystery piece of furniture and deducing, from the direction in which the balls ricocheted, whether it was a chair or a table or a Welsh dresser.

~ Marcus Chown

I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee.

~ Brandon Sanderson

I had a fair idea how it felt to get spanked with a large flat surface, and my rump clenched in sympathy.

~ Rick Riordan

You're doing it wrong.Son, I've got a gun to your chest and you're telling me that I'm doing it wrong?YesHow?Closer isn't better. He disarmed her with a swift motion, then offered the weapon back to her. Further away you are, the less unpredictable I can be.Della's eyes had opened wide with surprise, but she recovered fast. Took the shotgun back and said, Okay. Knock again so we can start over.

~ S.e. Jakes

Terrorism is just a whole other level of anger management issues.

~ Thisuri Wanniarachchi

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so your

~ Brandon Sanderson

Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.“Oops,” Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.“Oops?” Connor shouted. “You blew up half the town.

~ Mark A. Cooper

What a cool name. Where'd you get it?I've always had it.

~ Marie Landry

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God's gift to Women - Griffin

~ S.c. Stephens

Shocked?” Juliet queried, the light pink tint on her cheeks the only telling sign of her discomfort with the conversation.He nodded. “Yes. I had no idea my little girl knew what fluffies were.”Juliet opened her mouth to respond but was cut off by more misguided innocence from Kate. “They’re the fluffy things Juliet keeps hidden in her dress here and here,” she said proudly, tapping her chest to indicate just where these fluffy objects were located.Patrick blinked. “That’s quite enough, Katie love. Why don’t you go paint some flowers or something. I need to have a word alone with Juliet.

~ Rose Gordon

Good afternoon, Your Honor,” she said. “Thanks for doing this.”“Call me Joshua,” he replied. “Unless we meet in the courtroom.”“Or Sir,” Connor added.She looked between them. “You’re a Dom, too? How many of you are there?”“It’s not like we’re werewolves or something,” Connor protested.“Werewolves only get randy around the full moon.

~ Sierra Cartwright

(Derek) “How do you see the beauty in a three-eared dog but not in a guy with big teeth?”(Christy) “Dogs rule. People drool.”(Derek) “Only if you gag them.

~ Lisa Henry

(Erin) 'What do you think gave you this interest?' Yep. There it was. 'I’m not saying anything bad about it. I just wonder what makes one person want to hit another. Did I not give you enough contact when you were young? Should I have breast-fed?'(Derek)'I’m pretty sure it started when you left me in the bread aisle when I was two. I started thinking the only way to get people to notice me was to tie them up and whip them.

~ Lisa Henry

It's not so bad.Melancholia looked at her. You're lying.I'll get used to it. So will you.I... I don't think I'll be able to.I'll be there to help when you need it.But I hate you.Valkyrie smiled. No you don't.No, I do. I want to kill you and stuff.We actually became friends in those caves.That's not what happened, said Melancholia.We're pals. We're buddies.” If my wrists weren't in shackles, my hands would be round your throat.You want to hug my throat because we're friends.

~ Derek Landy

Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.There is a vegetable-plant hybrid we've been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating.Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.

~ Derek Landy

Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree.

~ John Flanagan

He things we think he's a double agent, working for them but secretly working for us. He doesn't know we know he's a triple agent, working for them but secretly working for us but really he's secretly working for them. Dexter, how's your brain?Hurting.

~ Derek Landy

Night descended on Roarhaven like a woolly blanket of blackness with holes in it that were the stars.

~ Derek Landy

Please don't arrest me.Listen to me, I'm not going to arrest you, ok? I'm not a cop.Are you sure?Am I sure I'm not a cop? yes, I'm sure.You could be undercover.

~ Derek Landy

You promise?I cross the place where my heart used to be and wish to be even more deader than I am now.

~ Derek Landy

I can't tell you how may beautiful women have broken up with me because they were bored. I can't tell you because it never happened. They all adored me. It was your humility, wasn't it?

~ Derek Landy

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.Who was the test subject? asked Aurora.I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field.She stared at him. You zapped your own brain?And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't.

~ Derek Landy

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our

~ Derek Landy

She’s like a cross between an onion and donkey,” Farah said.“Why?” Jason and Connor asked simultaneously.“Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

~ Mark A. Cooper

He forced himself forward trying to seem innocent without acting like someone who was guilty who was trying to act innocent.

~ James Dashner

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.

~ Derek Landy

(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare at the hole in my neck. Sometimes it feels like it has a beacon in it, flashing for the entire world to see, except it's not cool like the Bat signal.

~ Keary Taylor

Will you show me what you really look like? You don't sparkle, do you?

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Besides my great fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.

~ James Patterson

Where will we go?I hear hell is particularly nice at this time of year.

~ Sarah J. Maas