Funny Quotes

Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly .

~ J.k. Rowling

Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang.

~ Natalia Kills

Claire said. “I might be able to get him to stop.” “Who, crazy dude? Maybe. Or he might pull your head off,” Shane said. “I kind of worry.”She couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah?”“A little bit.”“That’s …nice.”He studied her, and returned the smile. “Yeah,” he said. “Kind of is, actually.

~ Rachel Caine

All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened.

~ Claudia Gray

No, no. Don't make that face. Every time I propose to you, you make that twisty, unhappy face. It wears on a man's confidence.

~ Tessa Dare

She's fifteen!Nash shrugged. That's just a number. It doesn't say anything about her.It says something pretty damn funny about your IQ! I said, and he opened his mouth to retort, but I spoke over him. Fifteen is too young to drive, too young to get a legal job, too young to sign a lease, and obviously too young to pick a boyfriend with half a brain.

~ Rachel Vincent

I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment.

~ Jen Lancaster

You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Foul! yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.

~ J.l. Langley

If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.

~ Barbara Kingsolver

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

~ Ashleigh Brilliant

Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first?

~ Christine Feehan

So I have. Let me hold the baby, Scarlett. Oh, I know how to hold babies. I have many strange accomplishments. Well, he certainly looks like Frank. All except the whiskers, but give him time.”“I hope not. It’s a girl.

~ Margaret Mitchell

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. I have to go.You just got here.Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.You're making that up.I'm not.So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

~ Rick Riordan

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

~ Robert Orben

Pritkin muttered something that sounded fairly vicious. “My clothes are warded! Even if I wished to accede to your demand, it would not work on them.”“Then strip.”“I beg your pardon?” He sounded almost polite suddenly, as if he believed he couldn’t possibly have heard right.

~ Karen Chance

Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”“Oh, please.”“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”“I don’t think so.”“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”“I’m out of here.

~ Jennifer Crusie

I lost my balance when the train pulled away, but a human crumple zone buffered my fall. We stayed like that, half fallen. Diagonal People.

~ David Mitchell

You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.

~ Rick Riordan

Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own —”“That’s enough, Phineas,” said Dumbledore.

~ J.k. Rowling

I’m not trying to—What do teenagers say nowadays?” he asked my grandmother.“Get all up in her biznez,” Nana said.Without cracking a smile.“That’s right,” he replied. “We’re not trying to get all up in your biznez, Ali.

~ Gena Showalter

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

~ Samuel Beckett

Wow, is that Katniss making out with Yoda?

~ Becky Albertalli

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?

~ Ilona Andrews

He shook his head. He didn't know. He couldn't tell when he had woken fully. He walked to the horses. They definitely seemed alarmed. But then, they would. After all, he had just leapt to his feet unexpectedly, waving his saxe knife around like a lunatic.

~ John Flanagan

Manchee comes outta the bushes and sits down next to me cuz I’ve stopped right there in the middle of a trail. He looks around to see what I might be seeing and then he says, ”Good poo, Todd.” ”I’m sure it was, Manch

~ Patrick Ness

The guy thought he was Mick Jagger. I felt bad for him.

~ Kami Garcia

Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I'd obviously stop. And then I'd watch you die.Kate to Will

~ Elizabeth Scott

Pull the hair on my head the wrong way, and I would be on my knees begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles.

~ Benedict Cumberbatch

Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?

~ L.j. Smith

I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.”“Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.”“No, you’re not.”“Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.

~ Rachel Caine

Have you ever started to wave at someone and then realized they weren’t really waving at you, so you abort and go for a head scratch instead? That’s how I felt.

~ Tim Tharp

Instead of finding himself in nerd heaven—where every nerd gets fifty-eight virgins to role-play with—he woke up in Robert Wood Johnson with two broken legs and a separated shoulder, feeling like, well, he'd jumped off the New Brunswick train bridge.

~ Junot Díaz

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

~ Demetri Martin

Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.

~ Russell Brand

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt

~ Dannika Dark

You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself.Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next walk across the classroom but on second thought...

~ Janette Rallison

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

~ Bauvard