Funny Quotes

No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cute enough to kiss you.

~ Frank Ocean

All humans learn from each other's mistakes. Intelligent humans learn how to avoid them, idiots how to do them.

~ Raheel Farooq

One piece of wisdom a writer quickly learns ~ typos keep you humble.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

~ Criss Jami

There is a lot to learn about love and positions.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?''I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?''Elvish.

~ Michelle Hodkin

Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky—then toss your phone into the bushes.

~ Waylon H. Lewis

I’ve got this thing I do when my mind starts to spiral before a fight. I unfold my fingers and concentrate on them one by one until my feelings narrow into focused calm. Pinky: I've been in this kind of situation before. Fourth finger: I've felt these feelings before. Middle finger: I've survived them every time. Index finger: Everybody dies eventually. Thumb: That includes my enemies.

~ Elliott James

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

~ Josh Stern

Who am I? I’m the Breeze, bitch!

~ Michael Grant

First, I’m going to teach you how to Irish Whip someone.”“Oh, that sounds kinky. I want my safeword to be peaches,” I said, grinning.

~ Kyle Adams

Come live with us, Diana. Don't argue. Just say yes.Diana looked at the ground to hide her emotions. Then she said, Would I have to be hearing you two going at it night and day?

~ Michael Grant

But he saw a rare determination in Haley's eyes. I can trust Haley's judgement, he told himself, even as he remembered how Haley had eaten that cheddar with the mold growing on it two weeks before.Cheese and people are not the same.

~ Kit Alloway

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That’s life. That’s love. That’s fiscally irresponsible.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Is the diameter of your index finger equal to or greater than the diameter of a super absorbency tampon?

~ Julie Cross

After all, nothing nurtures a friendship bond more than the ability to consistently bitch about someone else!

~ Pawan Mishra

You’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?”“Not if you give me everything I want.”“We’ll see.

~ Zoe Forward

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you'll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo

~ Cora Carmack

Don't come closer to me at any time without make-up. I may slap and make you feel the taste of death.

~ Jeevagan Nagarajan

A large proportion of mankind, like pigeons and partridges, on reaching maturity, having passed through a period of playfulness or promiscuity, establish what they hope and expect will be a permanent and fertile mating relationship. This we call marriage.

~ C.d. Darlington

I pretend he doesn’t exist, and he does the same with me.

~ Ida Løkås

I don’t like seeing you hit.”“Well, to be quite honest, I don’t like being hit unless it’s by you.” As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized what I had said. “That sounded all sorts of wrong.”“Insanely so, actually.”“To be clear,” I said to any overhearing ears, “I hit him back--”“Hard.”“It’s a very give-and-take, non-abuse type hitting situation…”The sides of Liam’s mouth folded up like an accordion. “You should probably stop now.”“I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

~ Tammy Blackwell

Don’t answer the door without a shirt! Now, go get dressed before you catch a cold,” I scolded.“Why? He was kinda cute. Do you think he would’ve went for it if I said I didn’t have any money?” Wesley asked.“You’re mine and I wouldn’t let you prostitute yourself for pizza. Now go put on a shirt,” I said, pulling two slices onto a plate.

~ J.m. Colail

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

~ R.l. Stine

Remember, the village idiot was the spiritual man who built the ark and saved his family. Keep being you and never give up marching to the beat of your own drum!

~ Shannon L. Alder

Later, they also found a camp of outlaws who, when offered the chance to join the rebel ranks, unsheathed their daggers and threatened to cut the three into tiny, bloody pieces and eat them for dinner. They too that as a firm no.

~ Morgan Rhodes

I believe great things are ahead for each of us. Now we just have to go ahead and create them.

~ Tom Althouse

That’s the key, you know, confidence. I know for a fact that if you genuinely like your body, so can others. It doesn’t really matter if it’s short, tall, fat or thin, it just matters that you can find some things to like about it. Even if that means having a good laugh at the bits of it that wobble independently, occasionally, that’s all right. It might take you a while to believe me on this one, lots of people don’t because they seem to suffer from self-hatred that precludes them from imagining that a big woman could ever love herself because they don’t. But I do. I know what I’ve got is a bit strange and difficult to love but those are the very aspects that I love the most! It’s a bit like people. I’ve never been particularly attracted to the uniform of conventional beauty. I’m always a bit suspicious of people who feel compelled to conform. I personally like the adventure of difference. And what’s beauty, anyway?

~ Dawn French

Sadness is like growing of hairs around our ass; we may not like it or want it, but it is surprisingly always there.

~ M.f. Moonzajer

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

~ Jonathan Tropper

Lila! he said cheerfully. So you aren't a figment of my brothers imagination after all.

~ V.e. Schwab

Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all.

~ Anne Burack Sayre

You aren’t allowed back until you’ve learned to willingly suspend disbelief.

~ Rebecca Murphy

Us is my favorite people.

~ Rick Riordan

Greg: Scott, great horde.My realization was that I could never *actually* live a life where I had to be constantly doing things like praising a dude's horde.So that made me feel better about myself.

~ Jesse Andrews

Sandra.”“Thomas, I….”“You called.” He sounded concerned.“Yes, I….”“Why are you calling? Are you harmed?”“No….”“Are you rescheduling our Saturday lunch?”“No….”“Is this an emergency?”“Stop asking questions and just listen.”“Why are you calling?”I sighed, rolled my eyes. This was why I never called Thomas. “I need your help.”“Do you need money?”“Thomas, I swear, if you ask me another question, I will secretly switch your caffeinated with decaf during Saturday lunch at least three times over the next six months.”I could tell he was thinking about my threat, weighing it against the compulsion of his curiosity. Belatedly he said, “Proceed

~ Penny Reid

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'damn, we fucked up'.

~ Rotten Ecards

I wasn't concerned, but I was thinking that the fastest way to get your mind off him and on me would be to tell you something truly appalling about him.

~ Jodi Meadows

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.”“…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.”“Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

~ Rebecca Mcnutt