Funny Quotes

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

~ Galinda Glinda

Don't plead with anyone if you were not at fault, you'll only look inferior, stupid and funny, bolster your ego by doing the undoing.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

~ Shannon L. Alder

It's not that I can't express myself,it's that I still feel present when I'm not expressing myself.

~ Kim Myungsoo

JASON: 'Intended wings.' How depressing.MICHAEL: Yes. Makes them into suicides, really, the pigeons.JASON: No - no, it doesn't. It could mean the wings were 'intended' to carry them upwards, out of the darkness, but they were defective in some way, these wings, so the pigeons aren't suicidal, not at all, just badly equipped for flying. Like the rest of us.

~ Simon Gray

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.

~ Criss Jami

I’ve written for the waste basket so often that we’ve become friends. He writes too, but it’s mostly garbage.

~ Ryan Lilly

You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.'Nope,' I replied.

~ Eoin Colfer

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story--''Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain?

~ Eoin Colfer

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

~ Lois Greiman

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

~ Lois Greiman

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court.

~ Lois Greiman

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet.

~ Lois Greiman

You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.

~ Lois Greiman

If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it

~ Lois Greiman

Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.

~ Lois Greiman

If there's no sea-gull there's no meeting, Wicklow had said. No sea-gull means abort. That's my epitaph, thought Barley. 'There was no sea-gull, so he aborted.

~ John Le Carré

Do you get a percentage for every soul you corrupt or is this just how you get your kicks?” I enquired.“Take it as a compliment. I only try to corrupt people I like.

~ Jane Cousins

The good thing about the aristocracy – German or English – was that they were easily traced, Mirabelle thought.

~ Sara Sheridan

Though everyone in the bar knew who he was, no one asked him about the death, though one old man did rustle his newspaper suggestively.

~ Donna Leon

It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of nature whereas physicists are convinced that it is a mathematical theorem.

~ Mark Kac

Indignation is often the best defense.

~ Diane Capri

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash drives around)on Boone's computer. I hit the close button and watched the smelly part of my delicious dinner slide away. Boone would have a great time wondering 'where's that smell coming from?

~ Duffy Brown

Please, be sure to display your stickers, so that I won’t misplace any of you. I lost a few people, while crossing the street, during the last tour. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but apparently, the boss frowns upon that sort of thing.

~ Jason Medina

Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.

~ David C. Holley

When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing.

~ Patricia C. Wrede

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

~ Cora Carmack

When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there.

~ Amit Kalantri

Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang.

~ Amit Kalantri

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius!

~ Gian-Carlo Rota

Don't go to the circus.

~ Angie Sage

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

~ Habeeb Akande

Merrill Krause - My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me.Granny Lassiter - Well, if a man can't stand up to those brothers of yours, you needn't even consider him. A man ought to be able to hold his own with his wife's family.

~ Tracie Peterson

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

~ Ellen Degeneres

I liked my face. Ethan liked my face. A lot of people liked my face. Besides, makeup was really just glorified face paint.

~ D.a. Paul

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

~ Sol Luckman

His hands still on his shoulders. “Hi,” he says. “Sorry.” “For what?” “For the fact that you are such a big flirt.” He laughs. “You’re the one in my lap. I was just sitting here minding my own business.” “Just the plane, then?” “Of course.” I try to stand up, but he pulls me back down again. “Man, the plane is really bumpy today,” he says.

~ Kasie West

Yes, from drinking too much beer and generally being a tyrannical egomaniac.

~ Sarah Dalton

I’ve brought you some things from home,’ I said, gesturing at the bag on the floor. ‘Some clothes and books – things like that.’‘Books – great! That’ll make things easier. You know I can’t read worth a damn right now!’‘There’s also some music. Schubert’s fifth, Mendelssohn’s third, Mozart’s Clarinet Concerto, Mahler’s fourth—’‘I would have preferred his sixth.’‘You’re not well enough for his sixth'.

~ Gavin Extence