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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

It's curling ribbon, but you don't have to curl it. You don't have to do everything the ribbon tells you to do. Don't live your life like that.

~ Dan Bergstein

Dan Bergstein Humor Life Lessons

Let me tell you: the only way to get rid of dragons is to have one of your own.

~ Evgeny Shvarts

Evgeny Shvarts Death And Love Dragon Fantasy Humor Life Lessons Play

You doan go diggin' for gold in an outhouse.

~ Sandra Hill

Sandra Hill Dating Humor Life Lessons Love

People are less quick to applaud you as you grow older. Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.

~ Sloane Crosley

Sloane Crosley Humor Life Lessons

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

~ Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman Humor Life Lessons

I wouldn't doubt it for a second if any of these literature teachers had a hand-sculpted custom-made replica of Shakespeare's dick.

~ Eliza Gubbins

Eliza Gubbins Humor Life Lessons Reality Check

When you're twenty-one, life is a roadmap. It's only when you get to twenty-five or so that you begin to suspect you've been looking at the map upside down, and not until you're forty are you entirely sure. By the time you're sixty, take it from me, you're fucking lost.

~ Stephen King

Stephen King Advice Advice Quotes Age Experience Humor Humorous Quotes Inspirational Inspirational Life Life Life Lessons Truth Truth Of Life

If Pierre Bon-Bon had his failings--and what great man has not a thousand?--if Pierre Bon-Bon, I say, had his failings, they were failings of very little importance--faults indeed which, in other tempers, have often been looked upon rather in the light of virtues.

~ Edgar Allan Poe

Edgar Allan Poe Humor Life Lessons

Wise is the fool who becomes a master at laughter.

~ Curtis Tyrone Jones

Curtis Tyrone Jones Burden Fool Funny Heaviness Humor Inspirational Laughing Laughter Life Life Lessons Lighten Up Master Paradox Proverb Self Love Wisdom Wise

Momma always said when Randy got an idea in his head it was more likely to come attached to a foot in his ass than a check in the bank.

~ Joe Schwartz

Joe Schwartz Brothers Family Humor Life Lessons Parenting Siblings

There is always time for another last minute

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Humor Time

The moment seemed endless, but it was probably only half that.

~ Steve Toltz

Steve Toltz Anticipation Humor Relativity Suspense Time

You can't make footprints in the sand of time if you're sitting on your butt, and who wants to make buttprints in the sand of time?

~ Bob Moawad

Bob Moawad Future Humor Inspirational Time

We are unable to discount the hypotheses that the world began three years ago.

~ Nagaru Tanigawa

Nagaru Tanigawa Humor Humour Scientific Theories Time

The next visit I paid to Nancy Brown was in the second week in March: for, though I had many spare minutes during the day, I seldom could look upon an hour as entirely my own; since, when everything was left to the caprices of Miss Matilda and her sister, there could be no order or regularity. Whatever occupation I chose, when not actually busied about them or their concerns, I had, as it were, to keep my loins girded, my shoes on my feet, and my staff in my hand; for not to be immediately forthcoming when called for, was regarded as a grave and inexcusable offence: not only by my pupils and their mother, but by the very servant, who came in breathless haste to call me, exclaiming 'You're to go to the school-room directly, mum- the young ladies is WAITING!!' Climax of horror! actually waiting for their governess!!!

~ Anne Brontë

Anne Brontë Humor Time Waiting

Life could be horrible in the wrong trouser of time.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Discworld Humor Parallel Universe Time

Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest!

~ D.s. Mixell

D.s. Mixell Day Friday Friends Happy Hours Humor Laugh Leisure Life Long Short Sunday Time Travel Understand Week Weekend Work

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impos

~ Lewis Carroll

Lewis Carroll Alice Alice In Wonderland Door Funny Humor Wordplay

Are you a female dog?What? Massie asked.

~ Lisi Harrison

Lisi Harrison Bitch Clique Comebacks Dog Female Fun Funkalicous Funny Harrison Humor Lisi Massie

So it's true what they say about warlocks,

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Alec Lightwood Cassandra Clare City Of Fallen Angels Clary Fray Funny Humor Jealousy Jordan Kyle Magnus Bane Mermaids Not Funny Simon Lewis The Mortal Instruments

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

~ Graham Parke

Graham Parke Breakdown Funny Humor Mental Philosophy Quirky

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

~ George Carlin

George Carlin Funny Humor

I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma.You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma.

~ Kami Garcia

Kami Garcia Funny Humor Kami Garcia

America used to live by the motto Father Knows Best. Now we're lucky if Father Knows He Has Children. We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

~ Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert Babies Children Fathers Funny Humor

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.

~ Brett Tate

Brett Tate Comedy Funny Humor Humour Memoir Sex

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

~ Lewis Black

Lewis Black Comedy Funny Humor Noremorse

I think so,” she [Claire] said. “Just watch your back, okay?” “Nah, Michael’s got mine.” He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes.“I’ve got yours.

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Claire Danvers Eve Rosser Funny Ghost Town Humor Michael Glass Morganville Vampires Myrnin Rachel Caine Shane Collins Vampire Vampires

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

~ Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert Funny Humor

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

~ Victor Borge

Victor Borge Borge Fire Fireplace Funny Humor Humorous Victor Victor Borge

Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up.“I thought you must be dead …” he said simply.“So did I for a while,” said Ford, “and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic.

~ Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams Funny Humor Lemon

Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Australia Baby Safety Child Safety Dingo Dingoes Funny Humor Humorous Precaution Wild Animals

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Funny Humor Joke Vindictive

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

~ Bauvard

Bauvard Aging Funny Humor Women

Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?” “Make love. I meant make love … of course. I would never just stick my dick in you. I would make mad, passionate love to this sweet, sweet body of yours for days, no, weeks. It would be beautiful, pumpkin. There’d be little angels, and birdies, and you know … all just hanging around, watching. Perverts.

~ Kylie Scott

Kylie Scott Funny Humor Mal Play Stage Dive

He would have shaved the centaurs, dipped them in honey, covered them with feathers, and hung them up like a bunch of pinatas. I'm just saying. - Warren

~ Brandon Mull

Brandon Mull Burgess Centaurs Funny Humor Patton Warren

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

~ Carroll Bryant

Carroll Bryant Funny Funny But True Humor Humorous Humorous Quotes

Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) No. You'll fuck it up and die.So I took it apart.

~ Andy Weir

Andy Weir Funny Humor Science

She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea.

~ Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens Funny Humor

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Die Demigod Scum Funny Hilarious Humor Laugh Out Loud Name Badge Random Rick Riordan The Son Of Neptune

Are you okay with what we ordered?” Angeline asked him. “You didn’t pipe up with any requests.” Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would’ve loved. “I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you’ll learn not to argue about any food coming your way.” Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they’d ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Adrian Ivashkov Angeline Dawes Bloodlines Cute Eddie Castile Funny Humor Jill Dragomir Swoon Worthy Sydney Sage Sydrian The Fiery Heart
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