Humor Quotes

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If you absolutely had to have sex with one of the Three Stooges, who would it be?

~ Douglas Carter Beane

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

In this, then, lies their power of understanding--understanding, without words, what is authentic or inauthentic. Thus it was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the voice, which rang false for those wordless but immensely sensitive patients. It was to these (for them) most glaring, even grotesque, incongruities and improprieties that my aphasic patients responded, undeceived and undeceivable by words.This is why they laughed at the President's speech.

~ Oliver Sacks

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

~ Demetri Martin

Wisdom of the Ages: Brian Williams Week Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month leave I wonder if he will be Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!

~ Matthew Heines

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

~ Jacob M. Appel

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

Seriously, what would you prefer? To stand out from everyone else, or disappear in the crowd? Because I call the latter 'sheep.

~ G.p. Burdon

The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or two.

~ Mark Twain

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school’s last bastion of patriarchal society.

~ G.g. Silverman

A vine from one tree shot out, tripping Blaise. He and Merewyn rolled to the ground. Varian stood between them and the trees, which shot blast after blast at him. He deflected them, but even so the heat from the fire was scorching. 'Go, Blaise,' he said. 'Get Merewyn out of here.'Blaise nodded before he crawled to Merewyn under the barrage.'Hold!'The blast stopped as the three of them froze into place.Again the woman appeared in the fire to stare at them maliciously. 'What is it you do?''I'm crawling,' Blaise answered.

~ Kinley Macgregor

You know, Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head.

~ Becky Lewellen Povich

If I want to dress up like Princess Leia and lightsaber fight the clone army in my living room, well the Han Solo in my life is just going to have to accept it.

~ Michelle M. Pillow

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

~ Tanya Masse

They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea.

~ Sophie Kinsella

Well, thank the gods,' he sighed.'Oh? And what would it be you're thanking them for?' Bahzell inquired, and Brandark grinned.'For making roads and letting us find one. Not that I'm complaining, you understand, but this business of following you cross-country without the faintest idea where I am can worry a man.

~ David Weber

Did we really come all that way? She asked. Time flies when you're scared out of your mind. He answered.

~ Nights Raven

Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.

~ Michael Hogan

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills.

~ Guillermo Del Toro

I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...

~ Laura L. Sullivan