Humor Quotes

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

~ Christina Scalise

Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.

~ Tom Althouse

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips.

~ Tom Althouse

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden, and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

~ Mark Jackman

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.

~ Sol Luckman

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

~ Groucho Marx

He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time.

~ Katherine Rundell

That is not what I was saying, you crazy twit! Kylie faced her with a growl, causing Kat to reach over and smack her on the upper arm...hard, Cut its out! You don not get to play the I'm-so-dark-and- twisty-I-deserve-to-be-punished card.

~ Heather Fleener

Pissing out the window, and sh*tting out the window, are two different things!

~ Tourettes Guy

Let me tell you something about me. I love vengeance like normal people love sunsets and long walks on the beach. I eat vengeance with a spoon like it's honey. In fact, I may not even be a real person, but just a vow of vengeance made flesh.

~ Laini Taylor

Diesel sucked air. You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.

~ Janet Evanovich

Free will always results in collateral damage.

~ J. Lincoln Fenn

There is a cookie trail of all my interests lodged in some digital sphere which will one day consolidate the collected data of six billion souls and vomit out—I don’t know—personalized infomercials for deodorant and car wax.

~ J. Lincoln Fenn

College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you're qualified.

~ Korey Miracle

You can do this (this thing, where your body will cease to produce hormones and your skin, hair, muscles and bones... basically every part of you will notice, go into withdrawals, and stage a coup). Be prepared for this mentally, and you'll own this thing.

~ Lisa Jey Davis

I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

~ Brian Maclearn

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.

~ Robert J. Morrissette

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship

~ Malcolm Bradbury

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I'm taking a break from it tonight. I'll be back at it tomorrow.

~ C.c. Alma

The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.

~ Christy Hall

McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here? McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me. Seriously, Lilly, if you’ve got one, groom that shit unless you want to see a grown alpha male curl into the fetal position and cry. It won’t be pretty. Just sayin

~ Ella Dominguez

Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.

~ Jacob M. Appel

Basset Hounds never get scared. We’re fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.

~ Elias Zapple

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You're incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou're a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.

~ Chocolate Waters

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.’ Prov. xxvi. 4.‘Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.’ Prov. xxvi. 5.

~ Samuel Grant Oliphant

What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?

~ Esther Spurrill Jones

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.''Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?''This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.

~ Eoin Colfer

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

~ Will Cuppy

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

~ Flip Wilson

... a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative.

~ Terry Pratchett

I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?''People who like things neat?''Its not natural.

~ Rachel Caine

I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism.

~ Veronica Blade

Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties.

~ Tracy Brogan

Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn't get any better than this.''You have low standards,' Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. 'If I had two hot girls in my kitchen, I'd want them naked.' I stood immobile, seeing Chait and Hayden in my minds eye. Naked, cooking for me.Hayden glanced my way and chuckled as I dashed away.

~ Veronica Blade

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave.

~ Michelle M. Pillow

So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.

~ Julio Alexi Genao

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

~ Jon S. Lewis

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes! Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

~ Mark Buff